Year in Review 2008:

Nothing changed.

I have the same life as I did 365 days ago.

Happy New Year.

Are you Worthless or are you Decent?

I have decided that men come in two flavors. Don't take this as some kind of bitter old spinster rant. I am just sayin'...two flavors.

It is rough times when people show their true colors. Are you a helpful and decent? Or are you just a worthless bag-a-dicks?

Incident #1:

I went to venture out in my car on Saturday. It was chilly. My car door was frozen shut. So I do what you do when that happens: Throw myself against the car door, yank it open, throw myself against the car door, yank.

As this scene is going down the man getting into his car behind me said "you need help?" I replied with a thanks, but I think I almost got it and I gave it a yank and it opened. I smiled and thanked him again and he said "well I guess you can only get one person on that job". True. And clearly I am the size of an ox so no need for you.

I then had to do some fancy maneuvering to get my car over the 18 inches of snow. I technique I shall discuss in a later post. Then when I was out on the town, I purchased a car shovel as to avoid the ridiculousness of getting over the snow. Much easier to just shovel out of there.

Incident #2:

The next day I needed to go out and replace my spare tire which has been flat since my friend's baby shower. That baby turned 3 this year. I need this tire as I will be traveling to MN via my trusty Jetta and it is good to have a spare.

It is bitter cold. Negative 35 wind chill. Yikes. Shoot me. So I get in my car. Let it warm up a bit and go. NOPE. Not going. Just sitting her spinning my wheels, as they say.

Hmmm. Well. I need that darn tire. I need to pick up my laundry. I got to get out of here. There is no choice.

So I try to go again. Spinning.

I get out of my car and try to clear any snow. Well the snow has frozen into a mass. It is not soft. It is like ice. White ice. A jagged glacier of sorts. Send the polar bears here for temporary housing. My plastic shovel is worthless. I should have bought some kind of welder's torch that plugs into the cigarette lighter. I am inventing one take my idea. I sue you.

I go around and crack what ice I can with my crappy $10 shovel.

Get back in the car. Still spinning. So I sit there. I start to theorize that heat from the engine will eventually start melting the ice. This is an absurd notion but I must have hope. So I sit there for 10 minutes and then try to go I actually do move about 4 inches. It is a start but again I am stuck. I can't go forward or back. I am just lodged and spinning. Forward, reverse, forward, reverse...nothing. I remain calm and just sit there. Looking cool and pretty.

It is then that a kind man comes to my aid. He is pushing my car back while I am in reverse. He is pushing from behind when I'm in first. He is chipping away ice with me. Finally I am set free. It was on the reverse. I think the man actually picked my car up to get it over the glacier that my car was on. I am not sure how you repay someone that was kind enough to dick around with you and your car for 20 minutes in negative 35 degree weather. All I could do was thank him and wish him merry Christmas. I hope karma treats him well and he wins the lottery or a loved one is cured of a disease. This is all I can do.

That man was clearly a saint.

Incident #3:

I take my car to Just Tires. The name of this institution should be "Just Worthless Bastards". So I am sitting there waiting for it to be finished and this dude comes in and says "I can't get your trunk open". I go with him and take the key and say "It is probably frozen shut" f-ing moron. It is NEGATIVE 35...CLEARLY this car has been sitting outside for hours if not the last 4 years.

UGH! Let me get that for you, sir!

So I go to my car, press unlock and pull the frozen trunk open with my brute strength.

Just took a little bit of this yankee doin' some yankin'.

I look at him and smile.

He says "uhhhhh...I didn't want to break anything"

I call your bullshit, sir. You are a weakling. A weakling that must get a GIRL to help you. Are fucking kidding me? Is this what the world has come to? Let me handle this. Let me open the frozen trunk since you clearly do not have the strength to do so, you having a cock and balls and all. You having more testosterone than I running through your body. You having a natural muscle mass that far exceeds my own. Please...put your feet up somewhere while this GIRL opens the fucking frozen trunk. And anyone - with any sense would know - it was NOT a mechanical issue. It was simply frozen shut. You could hear it unlock, dickslap. Are you deaf? You are not the dude with one ear from yesterday that told me it would take 4 hours to replace the spare. So I am going to go ahead and assume you can in fact HEAR. You have muscles. I assume you have a brain. Figure it the fuck out. Figure it out and put some power in it before you run to a GIRL for help, you F-ing SALLY.

I swear to god, if I was a man - I would get a hair dryer, an ice pick and a god damn crowbar, before I would ask a GIRL to help me open a fucking frozen trunk. I would pull the car into the warm garage and let it thaw. I would have the fucking ingenuity and respect for myself and the rest of the male species to NEVER seek the GOD DAMN help from a FUCKING GIRL!!!!

Well - here it is. This is what the world has come to. Why stop at frozen trunks? I may as well assist men with heavy parcels. I may as well open doors for them and insist they enter an elevator before me. When I see a man struggling to get his heavy piece of luggage from the overhead bin in an airplane, I will step in and say "no no...let me get that for you". Perhaps I should start walking grown men across streets.

However - I will let it go.

After all, the score from the weekend was:

Worthlessness: 1
Decency: 2

Question on Social Acceptability...

Is it acceptable for an adult to eat a piece of chocolate shaped like an animal in public?

Sometimes...I am not sure.

On my flight from Phoenix to Chicago I decided to have my way with a chocolate shaped reindeer my mother gave me. Granted...a small reindeer. It wasn't like it was a 9 inch tall reindeer that I pulled out of my carry-on. He was about 4 inches tall.

I felt foolish in the close quarters an airplane is. But I did not let my modesty get the best of my need to eat chocolate. I took a bite out of his rear end so I could then break off pieces and eat him like a civilized adult. But I still felt silly fumbling around with this reindeer chocolate at age 31.

I realize I should be eating something more adult like a chocolate bar or truffle...but that was not available and desperate times call for desperate measures and if that plane went down in a freak accident my soul would be angry that I did not eat that darn reindeer.

This was a hollow reindeer.

I have an issue with hollow chocolate figures and always have my entire life. I feel ripped off. "ummm...I thought this ENTIRE thing was chocolate...not just the outer shell...WTF?"

Growing up I had these German neighbors. One year their grandmother, from Germany, sent over the mother load of Easter candy delights. I was insanely jealous. As you may know, candy is gold to a child. Watching your neighbors gather gold around their yard is painful when their Easter gold-load is 95 times the size of yours. Plus they had fantastic European delightful chocolate not found in the US. GIVE IT TO ME NOW.

It is especially painful when you are me and your favorite chocolate holiday is Easter. Cadbury Eggs. I know - some don't fancy them. I am a lover. The happiest day of the year for me is the day after Easter when I buy them at a heavy discount. I travel feverishly from store to store to buy them and store them in my freezer like a crazed fall time squirrel and his nuts. It is not normal...this behavior. I admit it.

This German Easter brought one item that made me go green more than anything. An enormous three foot foil wrapped chocolate bunny. Those bitches!

It was kept in the downstairs area that served as some type of play room. It was like a bunny shaped chocolate trough. It would watch me play. Beckoning me to take a bite. Sometimes mocking me with its shiny eyes. A bite never taken.

I wondered when these girls would ever open the darn bunny. It seemed to me the chocolate would be escpecially tasty because it came from a three foot bunny.

Then one day...the foil was folded back on his ears, bites taken to expose the truth.

That bunny was hollow. Hollow like their Grandmother's love.

I was no longer impressed.

The 'Ol Snow Day...

I feel a need to comment on this ridiculous ritual.

The snow day.

I remember being a kid and praying for a snow day.

They were the greatest. However...very unlikely to happen in Chicago. We are tough as nails.

It is not as often as people think. I remember watching the news, praying my district is mentioned. Asking mom what district we were in. It wasn't a big deal in my home because my mother stayed at home until I was in about 3rd or 4th grade. But what about everyone else? It seems like a hardship to me.

Plus....back in the 80's....

I think you needed 12 feet of snow to get a snow day. I recall having a "it is negative 60 out, school is canceled day" in high school.

I remember being dressed for school. In turquoise stretch pants and an ugly long sweatshirt with geometric snowflake-like design on it in like 4th or 5th grade and peeking out the garage and my parents feverishly shoveling the drive way so they could get to work and yelling to me it was a snow day. Those poor people. Paying taxes and laboring on a driveway while the kids and the teachers of the world are sitting with their feet up. What is going on??? What is this???

Those are the only times I recall having a snow day. I also remember the heat being broken at 'ol GW High School and everyone going from class to class in winter coats and finally school was canceled at like 1:30PM. After of course....suffering all day in the pioneers.

I am sure today if the road is lightly dusted with snow somehow these ungrateful little bastards get the day off. Lord knows, these non-tax paying free-loading kids have more rights than minorities in rural Arkansas.

This is what I don't get: If you are a working family. What are you supposed to do with your kids? You already use up all your sick days to care for their snotting noses. A normal working adult has crap for vacation time. It is not like any working adult has such thing as a snow day. It could be negative 95 and 5 feet of snow - you get your dog sled together if the car doesn't start. Just get to work.

So....if an adult must go to work - WHY THE HELL aren't kids going to school? If you can get your ass to work, you can get your kids to school.

What is this ridiculous tradition all about?

Not everyone has the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. Why is this privileged situation catered to?....and certainly if you are a stay at home mom - you want those kids in school and out of your hair!!!

Are children writing the policies to make snowmen?

This is my high school district pay. Pretty sweet for a job with 3 months off and the occasional 'snow day'. 88% of these people have a salary higher than mine. I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'.

Survival Guide, Part I

How not to get raped, mugged or your car broken into...

1. Mugged:

It is easy. Look poor.

I was coming home from the airport and my cheap self did not feel the need to purchase a cab. So instead I took the L, got off at Montrose and waited for the bus. The Montrose/90/94 area does not appear to be the best location on earth in terms of safety. But I am willing to risk it to save a dime. This dime is only to be saved during hours of light. You will not find me standing there at dark time.

Nonetheless...I quickly spotted a thug. He wandered in and out of the L entrance. I kept an eye on him. On his 3rd trip out to the open air I noted he pulled out an IPhone.

To keep my self safe I immediately pulled out my crappy flip phone circa 2004.

What this says to a would-be-mugger is: "I have nothing to offer you. I am poor. There is nothing in this bag but debt, a five dollar bill, a bottle of water and a crappy library book." Now...if you are a high roller and have a fancy SmartPhone or IPhone or what have you...I suggest you keep your crappy old phone with you and pull that out when you feel threatened in any manner.

2. Raped and mugged for that matter.

A lit cigarette. This is as good as wielding a knife or having a gun strapped to your hip. Let's be honest, even if you had some pepper spray, you would have to dig it out of your pocket or bag. Plus the type of pepper spray legal in most states is no good. You need to get yourself some good stuff. The kind only legal in Arizona, Texas, Wyoming and Idaho. If it is legal in states that are still the wild west or hate gays and is GOOD STUFF. Cause those people are nuts. However, a lit cigarette is a mini flaming torch. No one likes to be the eyeball. Even if you don't smoke always carry around a pack of cigarettes and a lighter if you expect to be traveling on foot during dark hours.

side story:

Once I was being verbally assaulted by a man in a giant truck (of course). I was in my tiny Mitsubishi Eclipse. I was simply informing him that he was traveling on the wrong side of the lane in a parking lot. When the argument reached its pinnacle I was luckily armed with a cigarette and proceeded to extinguish it on his forearm. I take satisfaction in knowing this man still has a scar from this incident. When people ask him "What is that?" he may claim he was burned by a crazy bitch. But in reality we all know he was burned by a clever, delightful and perhaps cunning woman of sound mind that was reacting to his unnecessary verbal abuse.

3.Car Broken into:

Make your car look like a piece of junk.

For me this is easy. I have my side view mirror taped on. Once I was going to get this fixed. However, due to the electronic nature of the car's is $800 to get fixed. Instead it is taped on and looks great. Great because no one thinks the car could possibly hold anything of interest or value. I could leave an open bag of high dollar street drugs on the back one is going to get in there.

An added layer of safety is the tape deck. 2000 Jetta has a tape deck. People may laugh at this useless antiquated devise BUT...guess what. The 'ol CD player converter works with the IPod. YEAH! I saw that passing CD trend coming. That CD with no means of transferring to IPod convertibility. Not really. I was just to cheap to get the tape deck upgraded. Sometimes being a cheap bastard pays off. Plus - when you have two tapes still: Neil Diamond and Social Distortion....what more does one really need in times of trouble?

So...just throw some tape on your side view mirror and enlarge and print this photo of a tape deck and just tape it on over your fancy after factory sound devise and you are set.

I know best....follow my rules for survival.

A little something...

...I can't get rid of....


I can't do it. I can't get rid of this gem. I have it hanging on a door knob as though it is decoration. Fancy sparkling fringe filled decoration that is!

It just brings back memories of a former life. The good times. The carefree times. Waking up in a strange tent on a rugby field with no recollection of how I got there and wondering where my money, my ID, my credit card was. Then breathing a sign of relief when I noted The Original Safety Purse was strapped to me...safely.

...Hence the name...

Product Endorsements

I endorse these products:

1. Nivea Creme

I forget about this crap all the time. Today I was at work and my chapped nose was begging for treatment. Ahhh...the Nivea in my desk drawer. This is a fabulous all propose product that was created by the Germans and now manufactured by the Mexicans. You can use it on your lips, your face, or where ever you see fit. I am not ashamed to say I am a sucker for packaging. It comes in a delightful tin. I love any product in a tin. Who wants something in a plastic tube if you can have it in a fine tin? Plus look at those cute kids. They laugh in the face of frostbite...they know Nivea is waiting at home. This good safe wintertime fun is brought to you by Nivea.

2. The Velcro Roller (hair not included)

Simple and easy. Dry your hair with some volumizing spray, pop a couple in while you do your make-up. You have smooth hair with some volume. Until you put a hat on. Whatever - you looked good for the 5 minutes before you left for work.

3. The Forearm Warmer

Don't get me started on the evil world of clothing manufacturing. I am not obscenely tall. Must I buy the long length for pants? But it doesn't stop at pants. Winter coats are never long enough in the arm unless you have a man's coat. Who are coats made for? Midgets? People with flipper arms? Who? Must there be a gap between my glove and the end of my sleeve? Am I an ape with my knuckles dragging on the ground? No. I do not have long arms to my knowledge. So I am forced to remedy this problem with my forearm warmer....which I refer to as my Avril Lavignes. I am punk, yo!

4. The 180. The ear cuff. Etc.

I don't have one to actually photograph as I have already lost mine this year. This is what I do. I loose about $100 worth of winter gear each winter. This is the greatest invention of the modern winterworld. It will not ruin your hair. It is a discreet earmuff of sorts. It can be used in conjunction with a fashionable winter hat that does not cover the ears. Personally I have no clue how people run around without warmth on their heads. I do not sacrifice my comfort of fashion. Call me lame. I'll call you an overgrown child. I am Goldilocks. I do not like to be too cold or too hot. I will not suffer. If I could have figured out how to remove the skin from my body I would still be living in Phoenix.

5. Tea Pots shaped like Elephants I didn't have a number five and he was just laying around. Whatever....he is adorable...don't fight it.

Odd...but true...

So I have a new neighbor. The man has a beautiful singing voice and him and his lady friend have some fantastic passionate fights. I often linger outside my door to listen to both the singing and fighting.

The odd thing is what is posted on their front door. It is not like they are 60...they are late twenties, early 30's. So this simply makes no sense. My favorite thing is imagining someone uncovering this in the move and then mounting the beast to the door. Also I like to picture it's ownership coming to question when they break up: "That lute/scroll/grape hideous bronze door decoration is mine! Not yours"

Here it is:

The weirder The Office this week I spotted it on the wall in Jim's house.

Not that you are going to do this unless you are bored out of your mind or think that I lie like a rug but you can see it via the link below. The version in The Office is a beautiful gleaming gold. Perhaps it is the original.

It is Episode 509. You don't need to watch the entire episode you can click to it. It is at 18:13, I suggest getting ready to pause at is viewable for 2 seconds, but my quick, observant, fancy eye picked it up. I am not sure you are that good.

I back, pause it. Look at my computer...ran to my front door to confirm it was the same piece of art and ran back to my computer to resume watching the episode and was humored.

That is a bizarre coincidence, if I do say so...or maybe it is not.

Some things...

I saw recently:

#1. The other night I was walking back from the grocer and saw a opossum. Opossums scare the crap out of me. I believe them to be aggressive, rabid and have teeth sharp as razors and as large as refrigerators. I saw it cross the road and stopped and waited for it to find itself into someone's front yard. Then I walked quicker, than my already Olympic pace walking, and I am pretty sure I heard it growl at me.

I know what outsiders may think...that we don't have wildlife in the city besides pesky squirrels and disgusting rats. We do. Coyote, bunnies galore and the occasional deer.

Besides...a opossum is just a giant rat. Or at least it looks like one.

#2 ?????

Someone/thing that could only be described as a lost Latino Elf. If only I carried my camera around for such events....I'd have a picture and you too would say: "that can only be described as a lost Latino Elf"

It was this small woman sitting atop a garbage can on Washington, dressed flamboyantly with large faux gems glued to either side of her eyes. She donned some fantastic gold winter boots. Not a fashion boot...but something one might hike through the North Pole in if they were Lead Elf. She yelled things in a jovial manner in a language I could not understand but I believed to be Spanish or a dialect of. Needless to say, it was odd. But one of the reasons I love the city.

#3 Macy's window

I planned on taking a picture of this and sending a letter to Macy's to get them to understand some things about Chicago and Chicagoans. But today I noted it was gone. Good. And let me tell you, this lady is no stranger to filing complaint letters about worthless crap that annoys her. War? Starvation? Guantanamo Bay? No no...that is not my concern. But retail outlets...don't get me started. I was publically mocked on a Phoenix radio station for my complaints. I still hate Subway because they won't take Jared off their commercials....even though I formally requested the act.

Back to heartless Macy's, it was a window display and in the background was a black and white picture of a city skyline featuring the Chrysler building.

OK....this is the issue, Macy's:

a. You fucking raped us of Marshall Field's. I is just a store. But it was an icon in Chicago. How mother-f-ing dare you, put a picture of a New York landmark in the god damn window of THE Marshall Field's Building. Let me tell you what this is like doing:

That is like your mom and dad getting divorced. Then your mom dies. Then you go to your dad's house and find he only has photos of his 'new' family and none of you and your brothers and/or sister. You are officially an a-hole. I'm not going to take some kind of stand against it. I am just saying, Macy's, you are an asshole if you think that is appropriate. Do it in Minnesota, do it California, do it anywhere else...just have the SENSE not to do that in Chicago.

b. A true Chicagoan...does not in any way, shape or form envy New York. That is the way it is. Chicago has played second fiddle to NY since it was birthed. We do not think it is better. We think we are better. So not taunt the Chicagoan with images of your beloved city, we actually love our city. We don't need your city. Someone from Dover, DE might need your city. But we...we in Chicago do not NEED your city. We have our own buildings...this is where the skyscraper was born for Christ sake and we take that shit seriously. That and putting immigrants' fingers in sausage. We are proud people.

c. Why is Chicago better? Because, on average, we are fatter. Fat people are fun. If you had the last 12 hours of your life to spend with someone...would it be a bag of bones or someone on the chubby side? Don't fool would be the chubby.

Kate Moss vs. Santa?

You want to hang out with Santa. Yes....stop thinking you don't.

When you sit down for a nice steak you don't want some skinny coked out bitch judging your every bite. NO NO NO NO NO. You want Santa. The fat bastard is going to encourage you to eat it up. Enjoy your steak and the man is going to throw back a few with you. He is unpretentious and has no where better to be. Meanwhile, Kate is checking her watch every second waiting to get the hell out of there and away from your miserable company. Don't flatter yourself. Santa is the way to go. He might be making list...but he is a fair and just man.

Santa is to Chicago as Kate Moss is to NYC.

A Message:

This goes out to nearly everyone I know and is amused by me:

Correct me if I am wrong...

She bugs
Her face is kind of annoying
She is doomed for a future of trash, smut and shall be entertaining.

Bitch Cunt and back to the Bitch

That is what I was called today as I crossed the street on a walk signal.

This is what a fella in what appeared to be a migrant worker truck or a truck used to collect alley treasures called me...

I got off the bus and was delighted to see I had a walk signal. Hooray. No waiting for me. As I crossed I noted the truck on the other side of the street was quickly attempting to make a left turn and kill me.

This prompted me to walk at a snail pace as to alert him that I, the pedestrian, had the right of way. Go ahead...hit me. All that crap in that back of your truck will be mine. The three rakes, the broken lamp, the like new navy blue sweatshirt, and the toilet.

This prompted him to call me a bitch and tell me that it was a red light.

"Nope...I have a walk signal" -me

"you are a cunt" - truck jerk

"you are unfamiliar with how the road signals work" -me

"bitch" - truck jerk

The whole time, an older gay man was yelling at him with various profanities. After we were safe on the sidewalk he said "Pardon my French back there but that guy was in the wrong"

Two things:

1. Love the term "Pardon my French", let's go ahead and bring that back.

2. I can't stand trucks.
They are a dumb automobile and I can only assume the soul reason for demise of the American car industry. If your job or hobby does not require you to haul around calves or futons, what the heck do you need one for? It is frowned upon to put humans back there. So what is the purpose of all that open air space?

Down with trucks.

No really..... it again.

Unless you are ignorant, racist or blindly for one party and not the can you watch this and not want to be a better American? Be the change, my friends.

A leader inspires people to be the best the can. If you can, put your issues aside for 10 minutes and just listen to what he says. How can you not want to be a better citizen? If you can't....I can't understand you. But I'll probably like you anyway...

Update on RPDSS cheap bastard self purchased some new deodorant about 2 weeks ago.

I was under this impression that a miracle had occurred.

You can part as many seas as you want and cure as many cases of leprosy as you see fit - but let's talk REAL MIRACLES...that being getting this right pit to not smell like that of a squirrel carcass. Or for my regional smells like the alley just north of Madison between Wells and LaSalle - which has the distinct odor of rotting body of prostitute.

I am not kidding, please visit this alley if you ever have the need to rid yourself of the contents of your stomach and can't bring yourself to vomit. The odor of this alley induces gagging. I bury my nose in my right pit (OF ALL PLACES!) to avoid the stench. Then I want to cleanse myself 'Silkwood' style.

There hadn't been a sign of Right Pit Dead Squirrel Syndrome since the implement of the new product.

But struck again.

What the mother loving heck is going on?

I think I have a plan to combat the RPDSS and keep up with my cheap bastard lifestyle....

I will buy 3 different deodorants and switch them each week.

I am not sure why I did not come up with this seems so obvious.

Fool..I am one at times.

If this doesn't work I am totally going to blame this on Obama winning the election. I mean it just coincidence that my pit acted up the first full day he is President Elect? I think not my friends....I think not.

I had The Hope for my pit...Hope don't cure RPDSS. sure don't.


My guy won!!!!
I am so happy!!!!

Things don't really go my way. I had two nightmares last week where McCain won.
I would wake up confused and sad.

But this all seems real. Hooray!!!!!

I'd like to send a special thanks to McCain...for rolling over for the religious maniacs and changing your views to appease them and - more importantly for picking the shittiest running mate known to the earth. If it had not been for these retarded and erratic choices...I am not sure this would have happened!!!

Thanks! You are tops!!!!

How to sooth a fat girl in 48 hours...

It is interesting to how people try to soothe the chubbies of the world...

I simply have not been terrifically happy in the past few months. My life is going no where fast. It is annoying. It is depressing. I spend time crying about it. Whatever. I'll get over it. I've gotten over it before.

It is fantastic when your life crisis coincides with high tax season. Oh yes friends...don't be fooled. Tax season ain't doesn't come but once per year. October 15 is the other big deadline. April 15 is volume. Oct 15 is complexity.

To make a long story short, I had worked the past week getting an absurd tax return in balance and then for reasons I can not explain, when I opened it up...not in balance. I flipped the fuck out.

Crying. Crying at work.

Awesome. The thing is, only part of the tears were for the tax return.

You many from my generation - I never learned how to deal with my emotions. So instead of ever dealing or understanding my feelings, instead of ever trying to make sense of them or deeming them worthy, I just shove them into my bottle. Then...something...anything will set off that emotionally packed bottle and it will explode like a shaken 2 liter bottle of Coca-Cola Classic.

You may or may not be one of these people. You may have no understanding of why you can handle things sometimes and other times you flip out over nothing., like me, get set off and then every god damn emotion is set free. You are no longer just mad that the dog shat on the rug. You are mad and hurt about everything you denied actually happened to your precious little ego in the past 3 months. Suddenly that bullshit your friend of 10 years said to you in passing and you thought was nothing is coming up. Suddenly you are pissed at your parents for failing you when you were a child. Suddenly you realize you hate every aspect of your life and no matter who you try to can't be changed so it doesn't really matter. are just hating life. And then you are crying not about the dog's are crying about everything you never dealt with.

Some like to assume you are 'PMSing". NO. My emotional breakdowns do not routinely run with 'that time of the month'. I prefer to refer to it as BLSS...Baby of the Late Seventies Syndrome. (I am talking time of birth)

*I have a lot of like that?

We, seventies babies grew up in an age where mental health was just coming to light.

Some how everything got fucked up with us. We got sandwiched between the keeping-your-bullshit-to-yourself-and-shut-up generation and the express-every-god-damn-feeling-you-have-and-mommy-will-take-care-of-it generation.

*personally...I feel the entitlement of the later will be the demise of the American society. You gotta have some self hate - let's hope the BLSS kids keep everyone in check. But both are fucked.

Most of my lady friends have done it. They flip out. They injured property, themselves or spouses as a result of a flip out. Or - like me, they make a fool of themselves.

So - I am working on that return and I loose my mind. I am crying. My office mate calls in another co-worker to help me find the difference. I get up from my desk, crying and close the door in the face of one of our partners.


I can't win no matter the situation. Either I am a maniac because I can't handle my job or I explain the situation and am psychotic 31 year old spinster that is so unhappy she is can no longer work and they commit me.

Everything eventually works out with the return but I am crying all god damn day. Not just about the return. Yes - part of the frustration, but the other part is just my life and how tired of it I am.

And ladies and gentleman - how do you soothe a chub?


The other partner comes in and gives me marble pound cake and some Vitamin Water.

At lunch my officemate gives me half of her pasta dish.

Today I was crying all day again. Cried on the L on the way to work like a maniac, cried in the elevator to work. Cried all day again. My officemate buys me a cheeseburger.

I really love and appreciate these people. They are so very kind.

But, it also humors me. It makes me wonder...if I were thin - would I receive diamonds and gems? Would I receive something pretty like flowers or a fancy paperweight? Perhaps something I could sell on E-Bay when my emotional storm has settled?

Well..I do have to admit...I think a cheeseburger is pretty.

Which might explain a thing or two...

It makes me laugh:

I wish I knew someone I could send this greeting to. I think it is the use of the word "empire" that I find entertaining...

See poll



When you choose choose my best friend, Sarah.

He could die.

Then we are left with this run the free world.

I love when then the response is "well the president really don't anything without advisement"

DUDE.....YOU want a moron representing the US? You want her seeking advisement and making a reasonable choice? Have you seen the interviews? The woman is rumored to not believe in dinosaurs. It ain't Santa is BONES. IF NOT ACTUAL BONES THEN FOSSILIZED IMPRINTS OF LARGE BONES. She should consider flying to Chicago and taking a look at Sue.

*by the way - not sure that is true...

Let us remember: the only reason she is Governor is because she ran against the current unpopular Governor.

So let me break this down for you:

For those outside of IL: Our Gov is nuts. He lives within a mile from me. I try to find him on runs and I can't...if only I could.

For those in IL:
I COULD RUN AGAINST ROD TOMORROW...I guarantee you - I would win.

Then, when I am picked by the maverick for the next election, as VP...when you ask me what foreign countries I have visited - I am NOT going to include Japan and Korea where I simply made a stop over. Even though I was in Korea for near 24 hours. Nor will I say that I can see Canada from the Sears Tower on a clear day. I don't even know if that is possible - but that is how absurd it all is.

However....the US can take comfort in knowing...I am far more intelligent than this Palin character.

God Bless. Vote Obama.

3 faves. 3 don't care fors

I have nothing funny to say. This happens. I should be working - but I prefer to procrastinate like only a winning procrastinator can.

These are currently 3 favorite things:

1. Adam Carolla
The man is the finest man in all the land. I started listening to his morning radio show under the direction of my good friend, Katie. Shout out to Katie. Everything he says, I completely agree with. In fact, I am not convinced that man has not stolen some of my material. Some intriguing topics include: Men are no longer real men, people that freak about germs are always sick, a woman must be tall to be sexy (and have boobs), shit happens and you can't stop it...I love him.

2. The Cubs
I'm on the bandwagon and I am not afraid to admit it. I also enjoy the Sox but I have a special place in my heart for the Cubs...those Lovable Losers...I too am a Lovable Loser. I feel connected to them. They give me hope. If the Cubs can take it to the World Series, then I too can accomplish things. I would be even more thrilled if the Sox could also go the World Series. A Red Line Series would be killer...literally...I will probably not leave my home if that happens.

I dig the song 'Electric Feel" kinda makes me want to do this little shoulder and head dance while I prepare taxes at my fact, I do.

Hate is a strong word...these are three things I don't care for:

1. My right arm pit
It is possible Paris has my same issue and she is checking. For years I have been suffering from RPS. Right Pit Syndrome...this is a condition in which your right pit out sweats the left. has developed into RPDSS...Right Pit Dead Squirrel Syndrome. What is this? My right pit smells like what only can be described as a dead squirrel. Although it is true I have never smelled a dead squirrel, it is what I imagine one to smell like. The sweating has ceased and I have nothing but a unpleasant odor. This is the part where everyone suggests numerous deodorants. Well...I also have CBS. Cheap Bastard Syndrome. God forbid I buy new deodorant before I am out. Besides...this syndrome has lasted through 2 deodorants. Even my Lush powder is failing me....

2. Sarah Palin
Besides the fact that she a freak, she is a terrible mother. Women that have small children and choose a job that requires more than 40 hours per week when it is not needed should not have children. It is pretty simple. It is not sexist, it is nature. is also neglect. Women that think she is some kind of hero should seek help. Oh, no they don't need to. Their children will be seeking the help at age five and for the rest of their lives. Remember my friends...a cluster of cells in the womb is worth so very much that we need to make abortion illegal...BUT...once that baby is in the world and need to nurture it. Send it off so mommy can seek a high ranking job and make lots of money!!!!!!!

3. My job
It is not that I hate my job. I like it. It is entertaining and I work with awesome people. certain times of the year...I want to jump out the window to stop all the numbers from running through my head. I simply was not meant to work.

I love fall, part 1

Fall is upon us!!!

I love it. I love fall. I will never ever live somewhere where fall does not come. The cool, crisp air, THE LEAVES. And....the food that is in season!

#1. Honeycrisp!

I LOVE HONEYCRISP APPLES. There is NO BETTER APPLE on this planet. They are amazing! They seem to only be available during a very short period of time and that time is ON!!!!

I would like to thank the good people at the University of Minnesota for crossbreeding and creating this tasty gem. This is the best invention ever. The wheel is nothing compared to the Honeycrisp. You can't eat a wheel.

#2. Squash!

Why is the squash so delicious? It is easy to make and you can make it savory or sweet. It is a versatile wonder!

#3. Soups and Stews!

It is time to tell salads to hit the road and roll out the soups, stews! Right now I have a Moroccan stew cooking!!! I suppose it is a little warm for that at the moment...

I love to eat. It is my favorite activity.

Big Bunny

This big bunny amuses me! I couldn't be bothered to read the article...something about starving people in Korea and this German Rabbit being able to feed 8 people.

Caution: Things in the Blog are Larger Than They Appear...

That thing being my arm. This is one of the most excellent photos ever taken of me. I am not sure if it is the angle, the lighting, the vibrations from passing trains...but I look good here, ladies and gentleman.

I will be utilizing this L platform for all my photo shoot needs from this point on.

This was me before running the Human Race 10K.

This is me after:

As you can see I have a way of maintaining my striking beauty even after running 6.2 miles. arms mysteriously beefed up.

Yon know what Nike sucks at? Besides making a shoe that's toe box is too narrow for my feet? They suck at races...which I find ironic.

I don't know about you but after I run 6 miles I would like a spot of water. I nearly died. I nearly went into a claustrophobic attack. Apparently handing me some kind of baton with a stupid promotional bracelet in it and getting my damn chip is more important than giving me LIFE SAVING WATER.

It was just dreadful. I was so thirsty and tired and all I wanted was some water. I was stuck in this crowd of sweaty people...we were filtered down a 75 yard cattle shoot before water appeared. It was just awful. Who has ever heard of such a thing? To not offer water first?

At one point I thought I was going to go into an attack. For those that are life long friends of may recall an episode in Southern California in the back of a jeep where I went nuts and was pounding on the window to be let out of the automobile because I went all claustrophobic. That is what was about to happen.

Anyway...I survived, as I survived this. I am survivor.

Another thing that really chapped my hide in the past few days...

Listen to this:

This morning I am on the train there were no seats and I was fiddling around with some papers and crap. This fine gentleman saw me struggling, stood up and gestured for me to take his seat. I nearly died because rarely does one see such kindness these days. However - this kindness was quickly balanced out by the inconsiderate behavior of an opportunistic dickslap.

I took one half step toward the seat said "thanks!" and some pony tailed looser hustled around two people and a bike to take the seat intended for me!!!!!!!

I hope that loser never gets laid again. And shan't with that kind of behavior.

As of Late:

Random things:

1. I am a lover of Obama. I had the chance to watch the DNC and was at times moved to tears. Hope brings tears. It does. I eat it up. I am jealous that Lindsey went to Denver.

2. I have decided that we all need to love our country before we can expect it to change. We are all lucky mother lovers for living here, accept it. Realize it. It is like that old thing where people say "you need to love yourself before someone can love you". Well...we need to love our country before it can love us back.

3. I was on the L this evening...there is this little nook in cars. It is closed off if it is the driver's car. There was a man in there. I am certain no one knew the craziest man on earth was seated in there. But then...randomly...this horrifying laugh came from that area of the car. It was a LOUD "I am about to take over the world and I am pure evil laugh". Everyone looked and looked around "what the heck" was written across everyone's face with a splash of fear.

I am a doomsday kind of lady. You should probably want me around when terror strikes because I always masterminding a plan and I am not afraid to be the one that takes action.

I imagine he might come out wielding a knife or a gun. We would all be held hostage by the madman. I looked around the train and saw .... mmmm....maybe one guy that had any balls.

Men just aren't tough these days. They are pussies. I blame diminishing gender roles and the growing popularity of wine and fine cheeses. Really ladies, if you refuse to learn how to cook and bake - a man is certainly not going to know how to change a tire or fight off an intruder. We've made the bed. We shall sleep, unprotected in it. However...I am NOT to blame for this decay. Please, stand up and raise your hand if you are and walk away from me in shame.

So, I figure I can always plan and attack at an unsuspected in movies. Yup...that is where I get all my plans.

I am unnaturally strong when I have been drinking so I figure the same is true in emergency situations. Only time will tell, only time will tell.

I figure it takes one person to start a revolution so once I have pinned the psycho down, others will assist.

I will be victorious and be interviewed by local TV stations and my undoubted 15 minutes of fame will begin.

These are the things I think...


was one of these days:

and if you don't know what a billing code is...your job is luxurious.

The Dark Knight

I went to see The Dark Knight...

I am not about to bore anyone with my opinion. That is not what you come to me for. You come to me for comments like this:

Maggie's tits were successfully contained in a film for the first time in movie making history.

I still think she was not wearing a bra at any time. However they had her in suit jackets and vests. There was an excess of jiggle at one point when she was walking. When she was not dressed in some type of stiff double layer there was not enough movement or the material was the kind to not allow for excess nipple and flop.

Congrats to her! I was not distracted by her flip flopping ta-tas!

I like that Maggie. I just wish she would exercise her freedom to wear a bra in her movies.

Near death? Not really...

Often times I make fun of my friends that are afraid of being killed by a psycho killer. The people that are afraid of parking lots, elevators, and being alone in general watch too much Law and Order or CSI or Dateline. It is absurd. People need to stop watching that shit. It doesn't make you aware. It makes you a nutcase. AND....quite frankly - STOP flattering yourself. No one wants to murder you. However:

Well...I was a victim of the irrational thought twice on Friday when I was out on the streets. I believe the second psycho thought was just a psycho thought hang-over from the morning psycho thought.

On my way to work, I stop for a RedEye. I bent down to pick one up and a man said "here...take this one"

"thanks" I said and then I thought:

This thought is insane. Then I looked up and noted it was a black man that gave me his newspaper.

OH...I thought....nevermind that silly thought. Black people do not participate in any kind of chemical warfare so I am totally in the clear. That kind of deranged behavior is exclusively reserved for my people, the white people. High Five!

This thought is funny to me on two levels: Number one: this clearly comes from all that hub-bub last week about that anthrax dude killing himself.

Second - I don't know anything about anthrax. Could some be sprinkled on my newspaper and I die? If so - wouldn't the man that handed it to me also die? Really - I don't even know what happens when you come in contact with it. I do know it is bad for the post office and Tom Brokaw. I never took the time to research the...whatever it is.

I was walking home and it was dark out. There was a man about a half block in front of me. He was shadow boxing with his shadow cast by the street light. Lunatic behavior...he is practicing killing me.

He was a tall white male with a buzzed hair cut he seemed very strong to me - in a clumsy way...I pictured him swatting my head like a silverback gorilla. I would fall into the street and my ear would bleed. Then I would die. Right there on Sunnyside. He would take my bag and be pissed that I have nothing to offer but access to an account with little money and some shoes I purchased at Target for $6.24.

Then...he stopped. He turned around started looking at me. He moved from one side of the sidewalk to the other - clearly trying to make me out in the shadows he was previously boxing in.


I really am going to die.

I considered moving to the other side of the street. But I never know if this is a good idea. You don't want to set off the maniac. Any wrong move - it could be over. It is my theory you don't want offend white psychopaths or someone of any race you think may have a gun or a blade.

So...I stayed in my path.

When I was 2 feet from him he said:

"Oh hey! I'm sorry! I thought you were someone else"

Yeah right you insane killing madman! Clearly you were sizing me up. You could see I was above 5'6" and I could bust you up.

I said "oh yeah...that is ok...I considered moving to the other side of the street.........then...I didn't"

Great - why did I just say that. Now he will be pissed and kill me. I am not convinced he is a rational man.

"Ohhh - no...ugghh I'm sorry" he said.

"no no - it's okay" I said and hustled past him. When I looked back, I saw him duck into some kind of recovering addict center. Let's hope he doesn't relapse and find me.

I wonder if the FBI is going to read my blog since I used the word anthrax several times. If so - please leave a comment...and call me...and follow me in a white van for 2 days. Then I will have something to blog about.