Near death? Not really...

Often times I make fun of my friends that are afraid of being killed by a psycho killer. The people that are afraid of parking lots, elevators, and being alone in general watch too much Law and Order or CSI or Dateline. It is absurd. People need to stop watching that shit. It doesn't make you aware. It makes you a nutcase. AND....quite frankly - STOP flattering yourself. No one wants to murder you. However:



Well...I was a victim of the irrational thought twice on Friday when I was out on the streets. I believe the second psycho thought was just a psycho thought hang-over from the morning psycho thought.

#1:
On my way to work, I stop for a RedEye. I bent down to pick one up and a man said "here...take this one"

"thanks" I said and then I thought:
OH MY GOD, THIS NEWSPAPER HAS ANTHRAX ON IT AND I AM GOING TO DIE

This thought is insane. Then I looked up and noted it was a black man that gave me his newspaper.

OH...I thought....nevermind that silly thought. Black people do not participate in any kind of chemical warfare so I am totally in the clear. That kind of deranged behavior is exclusively reserved for my people, the white people. High Five!

This thought is funny to me on two levels: Number one: this clearly comes from all that hub-bub last week about that anthrax dude killing himself.

Second - I don't know anything about anthrax. Could some be sprinkled on my newspaper and I die? If so - wouldn't the man that handed it to me also die? Really - I don't even know what happens when you come in contact with it. I do know it is bad for the post office and Tom Brokaw. I never took the time to research the...whatever it is.

#2:
I was walking home and it was dark out. There was a man about a half block in front of me. He was shadow boxing with his shadow cast by the street light. Lunatic behavior...he is practicing killing me.

He was a tall white male with a buzzed hair cut he seemed very strong to me - in a clumsy way...I pictured him swatting my head like a silverback gorilla. I would fall into the street and my ear would bleed. Then I would die. Right there on Sunnyside. He would take my bag and be pissed that I have nothing to offer but access to an account with little money and some shoes I purchased at Target for $6.24.

Then...he stopped. He turned around started looking at me. He moved from one side of the sidewalk to the other - clearly trying to make me out in the shadows he was previously boxing in.

Fack.

I really am going to die.

I considered moving to the other side of the street. But I never know if this is a good idea. You don't want to set off the maniac. Any wrong move - it could be over. It is my theory you don't want offend white psychopaths or someone of any race you think may have a gun or a blade.

So...I stayed in my path.

When I was 2 feet from him he said:

"Oh hey! I'm sorry! I thought you were someone else"

Yeah right you insane killing madman! Clearly you were sizing me up. You could see I was above 5'6" and I could bust you up.

I said "oh yeah...that is ok...I considered moving to the other side of the street.........then...I didn't"

Great - why did I just say that. Now he will be pissed and kill me. I am not convinced he is a rational man.

"Ohhh - no...ugghh I'm sorry" he said.

"no no - it's okay" I said and hustled past him. When I looked back, I saw him duck into some kind of recovering addict center. Let's hope he doesn't relapse and find me.

I wonder if the FBI is going to read my blog since I used the word anthrax several times. If so - please leave a comment...and call me...and follow me in a white van for 2 days. Then I will have something to blog about.

3 comments:

Melyssa said...

Mere- that made me laugh- you are quite funny. You have the most interesting things happen to you. hahaheheha ahahhehe As I read I totally pictured it... funny stuff...

Muffin Cake said...

YES! YES! Do you switch sides of the street, and risk the wrath of the psycho, or stay your path and risk a switchblade to the kidneys?

The good news about him being in recovery is he can't likely remember how to get back to his halfway house, much less what you looked like.

Mere said...

Because man, all you need is love. You show the psycho a little love and he don't stab you in the kidneys, man....

In this situation...had I switched I really think he would have also moved to follow me, I would start running, he would yell "wait wait - do I know you"...then I would have been doing my sally scream. I would run into a crowd of people enjoying al fresco dining, made a large scene...the way I see it: I saved some embarrassment.