Quite the scene...

After bringing my laundry down...

I couldn't bring myself to go back up the stairs.

So instead I went outside and around the building to the front door.

Then I realized...it is clear I have a gun of some sort stuck in the back of my pants.

Then I saw some police so I started to do some kind of side-step-grapevine move with my back to the building.

No...that is not suspicious behavior at all...


Turns out there is a good reason guns should be illegal.

When you don't use them for 3 years you forget how to use them and you are fiddling with them, you are peering down the barrel, you are shooting around your house to see if it is loaded and how to shoot it.

If I only I could have taped what I have been doing for the last 15 minutes I could have made a video called "What Not To Do With a Gun of Any Sort"

UGH! I have no clue how to load the damn BBs....


Update: went on-line and is loaded and ready. I had to cock it to open the BB depository...and I have no clue how to uncock it...unless i shoot. It remains cocked.

ahhhh- ha here I am with my discreetly placed BB

Lock and Load

Well...it was bound to happen.

Saw a mouse in my faux patio stairwell.

I am saying it was mouse when I know it is a rat...it makes me feel better.

I did my crazy sally scream. A shrill up and down scream. We were at a stand off mid-way up the second stair case. I was screaming he moved toward me. I did my shrill scream again and he ran for cover.

Reload the BB. I will be carrying that with me when I do laundry and I will now just be exiting out the front door.

I have taken to making my music match my most recent blog again.

Only the first line of Cotton...and let me tell you, happiness is indeed a warm gun...or in my case - a cold spring loaded BB. I actually forgot how much I love that song.

Rain Man

Last night...at 2AM my friend and I were walking back to my apartment and there was a fully nude man - jerking off - in the alley - in the pouring rain.

This is not something one sees everyday.

I yelled to him "What are you doin'?????"

I am not sure he answered me - but he did stop his manic self pleasure..

Bike Ride to CBG

I went on a bike ride, a long one. I headed north and saw this. So I thought I would send a shout out to my Mormon friends:

On the ride there was lots of this:

And this:

And endless amounts of these:

Then...there was this...odd:

The fabulous North Branch of the Chicago River...which reminds me of Deliverance and then I freak out:

The Skokie Lagoons...hmmm....I'm not impressed.

Finally...my destination: The Chicago Botanical Gardens...mind you not located in Chicago. Pretty place:

There were free roaming swans...These animals should be caged. They are aggressive beasts.

I wasn't at the gardens long because I fear darkness would fall upon the land before I made it home and we all know that these turn into savage flesh eating demons at dusk...

Perhaps the End of the Squirrel Era

Yesterday evening I went to leave my apartment - via squirrel area.

I heard his cackling scream...similar to the laugh of the devil himself from the depths of hell.

I closed the door, hung my defeated head and left out the front door.

Damn it. IT IS running my life.

This morning I left out the back door and I noticed something suspicious at some one's back door...a cardboard box with towels draped on it.

I have seen movies.

When people rescue injured birds or other woodland creatures - there is always a cardboard box and towels to make it comfortable.

I am led to believe someone has set up a nice bed for this beast. That is not right. People are crazy.

Oh well - let's invite in the rats. Why stop there? Let's get some opossums and pigeons. Let's make this the Ritz for disease carrying animals.

Now, this could just be me jumping to conclusions. I noted the box was gone when I returned home. I have not seen the squirrel again, but I continue to live in fear.

This evening I finally got my BB from my car. I looked like a common criminal: Opened up my trunk. Looked over both shoulders. Opened my secret compartment. Again, looked over both shoulders...took out my BB - looked at it - and shoved it in my bag along with my carton of 6,000 Copperhead BBs (there is probably 5,758 left).

I feel like I am living on the edge. Like, I am bad ass. Me and my BB. I think it is the fact that the BB is illegal. I am an outlaw. I have an illegal item in my home now and I enjoy it. I am thinking of getting a antique display case for it as though it is a relic from the civil war....my plastic BB gun. Come on - it would be so funny.

I am not even going to go into how absurd it is that BB guns are illegal in this city. I have a right to protect myself against a possibly rabid terrorizing furry tailed tree rat. For all I know - it is working with the Al Qaeda.

I am hoping they have that program this summer where you turn in your gun for $100 Best Buy gift card. I ain't no fool. Then - I am having someone from the burbs get me a proper CO2 BB. YEAH!!!! Then I'll be HARD CORE. Then I will be a squirrel killing machine!

I was going to post a picture of me and my BB. Perhaps with some kind of American flag and the Confederate Flag...perhaps set in a library. Maybe I could have the Bible in one hand, gun in the other. Then I realized - for one thing I don't have access to any of these props and.....people just don't have a sense of humor. But really - it would be funny.

*this post is in jest I house no illegal arms


I successfully enter and left via my back door twice and no squirrel.

Then I left again. I live on the 3rd floor - which is really the 4th.

I go down 2 flights...and I am met with Mr. Squirrel. He started doing that noise...the angry squirrel clicking noise.

In fear for my life, I marched back up the stairs and then left via the front door.

Great. This F-ing squirrel is running my life.

I will not take this.

The problem I see is the elusive behavior. So I can't call my lord of the land...what is he going to do? Sit with some nuts and lure the alleged squirrel out? The guy will think I am crazy after hours of no squirrel.


I have a B B gun. It is in the secret drug smuggling compartment of my car. If you have a VW and do not know about this...don't feel bad. I had the car for at least 3 years before I found it. Right now there is a BB gun and a stuffed Paddington Bear...dont' ask.

Anyway...The BB is coming out. It isn't even CO2. It is spring loaded. If I actually hit the squirrel - it will be like a pinch. So don't worry you nutty animal lovers.

I am going to be armed and dangerous with this BB.


My BB looks like an actual hand gun.

Can you imagine? I am in the faux porch area of my apartment building waving around what appears to be a hand gun???

Someone will call the police.

I will be arrested.

It will make a good blog entry if nothing else.

I am willing to risk it...


This morning I was nearly killed by a deadly squirrel.

I fetched my bike from the bike/laundry room and was about 3 feet from the door when I noticed a squirrel was perched up on the door knob.

Wa. Help me.

I was in this hallway with my bike. I had no idea what to do. I froze. Then whimpered...sending the squirrel into a desperate frenzy.

It freaked out and I screamed like a gad damn sally when it ran towards me. I was holding the bike and he ran between the bike and I and then up and across the back tire and took a leap off my bike to a clear area. Nimble creature. I quickly evacuated.

I like the term sally. I find it to be offensive and demeaning to woman and that is why it is funny.


Scams...panhandling scams...let's discuss:

I was at the farmer's market and this woman tried to scam me: with the 'ol "I just need 75 cents for the train" while holding one dollar bill. The prop is nice....but really.... that will not make it more believable to me.

First of all: I feel bad for people in these desperate situations. I think for one half second maybe they are telling the truth. What would I do? You know what I would do??? Start walking. I mean really...you are going to beg for 3 hours on your feet or you could just walk to your destination. The CTA is not getting you that far. You certainly aren't getting on an airplane in your current state of mess.

So - it is some kind of desperation or simple scamming that makes people do this. It is sad and awful, blah blah blah....however - I will not give my money to a liar. Well - it is my policy not to give money to any homeless person* or any person on the street unless they are preforming a service to me: like playing an instrument and enhancing the enjoyableness of my stroll.

When will this little scam end? I did not just move here. I am aware you are a liar.

I said no to her.

I went about my business in the market. She approaches me again.

I informed her that she already tried to scam me and the answer was still no. I am a fearless mouthy b!tch with the panhandlers.

This is one thing. But now - summer is nearly here so we will soon have the f-ing child exploiters out.

Who? What?

Oh you know it - if you live in Chicago:

"Will you buy some candy, my baseball team is buying new uniforms"

I have come to answer with "There is no baseball team"

I will probably be shot dead one day...lord knows with the statistics in this "guns are illegal" city - it is the scamming kids from the ghetto that have them.

I wasn't bothered the first few times I was faced with this. It was typically 12 - 15 year olds. I knew the were big fat liars - but they had an entrepreneurial spirit that I SUPPOSE - I could appreciate. At least they were not robbing people. I bought their products on several occasions - but always with disapproving eyes.

Then - I was told by a policeman friend that this is what happens:

Some a-hole buys a bunch of candy at Costco and then rounds these kids up in the ghetto and drives them to various locations to sell the goods. Then picks them up later for the spoils.

So....he is the pimp and they are the prostitutes. To put it simply. I am sure this guy is ripping them off.

Then - I saw a turn late last fall. I saw twice in my neighborhood a man with a five year old doing it.

Of course, I did my normal routine: "There is no basketball team" is what I said.

The man is exploiting his young child.

I don't care what your desperate measure is...you are exploiting your child.

So this season...I have my plan:

1. Person with young child: I am calling the police. You know how I love being a crime stopper. Be it illegal garbage disposal or higher crimes. First of all, they have no permit. Second - there will be no exploiting of small children under my watch.

2. Tween to teen: I will make them admit that there is no team. Then I will suggest they do two things:
a. Actually join some kind of team - and actually sell candy for it.
b. Cut out the middle man. The profit will be larger if they don't have this pimp. And perhaps add a bit of honesty into it. I will in fact buy a package of king size peanut M&Ms from some young kid trying to make a dime rather than a liar. However - keep the 'ol team uniform routine up when you are in high tourist area...that might be a good routine. I shall train them in reading the local from the tourist.

Either way - I'll probably be killed by September.

*I was on the red line on a Saturday afternoon. I hate the red line - it is dirty and smells of piss. So I was on a train car with 2 other women and a large scary man. Suddenly he stood up and said: "Ladies I was just released from prison" WHAT THE F??? Not a good icebreaker, my friend. Then he held up this document with his mug shot on it. I thought I was about to meet my maker. He went on to say that he was trying to make a new start, blah blah blah and need a few bucks. There is a 99% chance this was a scam. But then I thought about it through several stops - maybe it isn't and he really is trying to turn his life around. So I gave him $2. The $2 seemed worth it if he really was and he was being honest. FINE - he probably wasn't. But I slept that night...I would have been pondering it all night if I had not.

*as a note: Once....I was saw a girl begging on a train. She looked familiar to me. Then I figured it out. She wasn't MY friend in high school...but a friend of a friend. I went to a R.E.M. concert with her. I hung out with her several times. She was a drug addict so I was not completely surprised - but still - SHOCKING.

The Wink

If there is one thing I could be in life...it would be a winker.

You know these people...you KNOW you want to be them. There are VERY FEW of these that have mastered it...but surely you have run across them:

The people that slide in a wink when talking. It is THE MOST CHARMING thing. It makes you feel special. "oh look...they winked at me...I am in their special circle. I am chosen. I am in their royal favor" that is what you think.

Today I learned that the power of the wink is something that even small children are amused and spellbound by.

I was seated next to a two year old. She was staring at me and I tried the simple smile and got nothing out of her. Just the who-are-you-and-why-are-you-seated-next-to-me-stare.

Then...something came over me and when I looked back at her I winked. She smiled a cute open mouth smile. I won her over with a wink.

The power of the wink is not to be taken lightly. Surely Hitler was a winker...I of course would use my wink for good, unlike him. But we can not deny the power.

I will become a winker. I will. I have said this a million times and it never happens. But...I will try.

Lord - make me a winker.

For the love of all things...

please Hillary...hire an acting coach.

You are so fake and so insincere. What was the Indiana speech about getting your engines started? Was that for real?

I can not believe people are buying what you are selling.

PLEASE - if you are going to continue....FOR THE LOVE OF GOD - GET AN ACTING COACH!!

It's an Urban Bike Ride, Yo!

I was out riding about town up north and then as I was about to turn home...I decided it was so nice out that I would ride down to the zoo and photo document my adventures...

It's an urban bike ride, yo!!

Turn around so I can take a nice picture you lazy worthless beast:

I became hungry on my voyage so I ate this:

People great and small love the polar bears:

I am glad this is not my job:

I am a lover of the conservatory:

One day the kingdom that I was kidnapped from will find me. Then when I return to rule my land I will have a greenhouse with the flowers from above and a giant palm...

and a koi pond...

And a nice tree that has these giant blooms...

The next time I come down here, these gardens better be planted. Or there will be hell to pay:

The gentleman with the sweater tied around his neck hijacked the boy's razr scooter and then wiped out on it. It was cool

I smelled someone smoking the dope on the lake front path:

Did I ride my bike to Phoenix? El Pollo Loco is in Chicago, ready to serve you some flamed grilled chicken

Thas Right, Ya'll:

I am also a lover of grand city churches. This one needs some work but it is still charming

What is going on here? There is a sign that says "Happy Birthday Buddah 2632", Will there be a performance?

What I am looking for is....

I have been to various card stores looking for a card for mother's day. This task is difficult. I can not find a card.

Most cards make me want to puke. Do people seriously send this mushy crap to their mom? There should be a camera on me when I read these cards. I visibly freak out when I read them and then shove them back in their display case in complete disdain.

I am looking for a card that says something like:

Clearly you have done a fine job rearing me. You have taken part in giving me good looks...Look at me for Christ sake...I am fantastic looking. But you drive me nuts. Absolutely NUTS! But I love you. Happy Mother's Day.

Time to toot my own funny horn...

I am funny.

I don't care what anyone says. I am the funniest person I know.

I believe the mark of a truly funny person is when they make jokes when half asleep or when wildly drunk.

Last night I was asleep and my friend called from Arizona.

It was 10:45 her time. She asked what time it was here. I said "12:15". I meant to say 12:45 but I was half asleep and I couldn't get the words out.

She explain that it is was not possible it was 12:15....

I said "I am in my own time zone, bitch"

Maybe it isn't that funny. But it really was. I am funny.

I think one of the funniest things I ever said was when I was wildly drunk at Stanford and I was causing all kinds of trouble trying to escape this dorm lunchroom that the rich bitches at Stanford put us up in.

Side note: You know how I feel about private schools. This fact only feeds my disapproval: Ummmm...hello? That was the richest school we ever stayed at and it was the worst in hospitality. What? Did they think that at state schools we actually lived in the cafeteria, hence we would feel at home? Probably. Whatever - I am sure that 90% of Stanford graduates run around with a stick lodged up their ass and that is uncomfortable and makes for an unhappy individual...if they are trying to figure out why they are unhappy - I would say the stick and...they paid $150K for an undergrad degree. You are smart.

I hope Stanford is in fact private after I made all my comments. I also hope I offended everyone that went to a fancy private school. I am kidding - this is not meant to offend. People are only offended who take themselves too seriously. Which if you went to a private school...you probably do. HAHAHAHAHA.

So anyway...there I was trying to escape and I said: "I could escape this Alcatraz, if only I had an accomplice"

Given the area we are in: One must admit...it was clever. I am clever little hell raising state school educated drunk.

I had no memory of saying this. So when I was told I did...I couldn't stop laughing or congratulating myself on how darn funny I am.

Coming Soon....

A Julius Meinl is coming to my hood. This further proves I made an excellent choice in hoods.

I enjoy Julius Meinl because one is served their hot beverage choice on a silver platter with a piece of chocolate. All food served to me should come on a silver platter with a piece of chocolate. There is a lot to be said for presentation.

I will pay extra for presentation.

When I was getting the Julius Meinl image for this blog I found out something quite disturbing...it appears that the Julius Meinl on Southport in Chicago is the only one in The United States. Could this be accurate?

This is a crime. Brining more Julius to the U.S. should be on the lips of everyone running for President. I mean really people, health care reform and war can take a back seat to this issue. Let's be real.

Why as Americans are we settling for Starbucks in a paper cup when we could have coffee on a silver platter? We are Americans, damn it. Self absorbed, entitled Americans that should be demanding the very best. Fuck the cup, give me a silver tray.