I have decided that men come in two flavors. Don't take this as some kind of bitter old spinster rant. I am just sayin'...two flavors.
It is rough times when people show their true colors. Are you a helpful and decent? Or are you just a worthless bag-a-dicks?
I went to venture out in my car on Saturday. It was chilly. My car door was frozen shut. So I do what you do when that happens: Throw myself against the car door, yank it open, throw myself against the car door, yank.
As this scene is going down the man getting into his car behind me said "you need help?" I replied with a thanks, but I think I almost got it and I gave it a yank and it opened. I smiled and thanked him again and he said "well I guess you can only get one person on that job". True. And clearly I am the size of an ox so no need for you.
I then had to do some fancy maneuvering to get my car over the 18 inches of snow. I technique I shall discuss in a later post. Then when I was out on the town, I purchased a car shovel as to avoid the ridiculousness of getting over the snow. Much easier to just shovel out of there.
The next day I needed to go out and replace my spare tire which has been flat since my friend's baby shower. That baby turned 3 this year. I need this tire as I will be traveling to MN via my trusty Jetta and it is good to have a spare.
It is bitter cold. Negative 35 wind chill. Yikes. Shoot me. So I get in my car. Let it warm up a bit and go. NOPE. Not going. Just sitting her spinning my wheels, as they say.
Hmmm. Well. I need that darn tire. I need to pick up my laundry. I got to get out of here. There is no choice.
So I try to go again. Spinning.
I get out of my car and try to clear any snow. Well the snow has frozen into a mass. It is not soft. It is like ice. White ice. A jagged glacier of sorts. Send the polar bears here for temporary housing. My plastic shovel is worthless. I should have bought some kind of welder's torch that plugs into the cigarette lighter. I am inventing that....no one take my idea. I sue you.
I go around and crack what ice I can with my crappy $10 shovel.
Get back in the car. Still spinning. So I sit there. I start to theorize that heat from the engine will eventually start melting the ice. This is an absurd notion but I must have hope. So I sit there for 10 minutes and then try to go I actually do move about 4 inches. It is a start but again I am stuck. I can't go forward or back. I am just lodged and spinning. Forward, reverse, forward, reverse...nothing. I remain calm and just sit there. Looking cool and pretty.
It is then that a kind man comes to my aid. He is pushing my car back while I am in reverse. He is pushing from behind when I'm in first. He is chipping away ice with me. Finally I am set free. It was on the reverse. I think the man actually picked my car up to get it over the glacier that my car was on. I am not sure how you repay someone that was kind enough to dick around with you and your car for 20 minutes in negative 35 degree weather. All I could do was thank him and wish him merry Christmas. I hope karma treats him well and he wins the lottery or a loved one is cured of a disease. This is all I can do.
That man was clearly a saint.
I take my car to Just Tires. The name of this institution should be "Just Worthless Bastards". So I am sitting there waiting for it to be finished and this dude comes in and says "I can't get your trunk open". I go with him and take the key and say "It is probably frozen shut"....you f-ing moron. It is NEGATIVE 35...CLEARLY this car has been sitting outside for hours if not the last 4 years.
UGH! Let me get that for you, sir!
So I go to my car, press unlock and pull the frozen trunk open with my brute strength.
Just took a little bit of this yankee doin' some yankin'.
I look at him and smile.
He says "uhhhhh...I didn't want to break anything"
I call your bullshit, sir. You are a weakling. A weakling that must get a GIRL to help you. Are fucking kidding me? Is this what the world has come to? Let me handle this. Let me open the frozen trunk since you clearly do not have the strength to do so, you having a cock and balls and all. You having more testosterone than I running through your body. You having a natural muscle mass that far exceeds my own. Please...put your feet up somewhere while this GIRL opens the fucking frozen trunk. And anyone - with any sense would know - it was NOT a mechanical issue. It was simply frozen shut. You could hear it unlock, dickslap. Are you deaf? You are not the dude with one ear from yesterday that told me it would take 4 hours to replace the spare. So I am going to go ahead and assume you can in fact HEAR. You have muscles. I assume you have a brain. Figure it the fuck out. Figure it out and put some power in it before you run to a GIRL for help, you F-ing SALLY.
I swear to god, if I was a man - I would get a hair dryer, an ice pick and a god damn crowbar, before I would ask a GIRL to help me open a fucking frozen trunk. I would pull the car into the warm garage and let it thaw. I would have the fucking ingenuity and respect for myself and the rest of the male species to NEVER seek the GOD DAMN help from a FUCKING GIRL!!!!
Well - here it is. This is what the world has come to. Why stop at frozen trunks? I may as well assist men with heavy parcels. I may as well open doors for them and insist they enter an elevator before me. When I see a man struggling to get his heavy piece of luggage from the overhead bin in an airplane, I will step in and say "no no...let me get that for you". Perhaps I should start walking grown men across streets.
However - I will let it go.
After all, the score from the weekend was: