The Demise of America...

What is the demise? Is it the financial ruin we may face? The polarizing of our great nation over politics? Is it corn syrup?

The answers to the above are: NO. NO. and NO.

It is the TV programing of: The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and The Bachelor Pad.

I have never been an avid viewer of this garbage.

That is a lie.

I recall a certain group of hung over girls that chose to stay in their hotel room all day in New Orleans and watch an entire season of The Bachelor instead of facing the brutal heat, humidity, and raw sewage smell of the city.

Side note: New Orleans is a lovely and charming city, it is a city everyone should visit at least one. BUT DO NOT go there in August.

I have, on occasion, watched an episode to laugh at it and bolster my self esteem. I kept up with most of Jake's season. Mostly because that Jake is a complete tool and I was amazed that these women thought he was a catch. I assume all the bachelors are of this ... 'quality'.

The other night I helped myself to some Bachelor Pad. I don't really understand the premise of this show and that really doesn't matter. It was so terrible, I had to flee from my friend's apartment so I wouldn't have to watch another second.

Don't get me wrong, there is a huge comedy aspect to this crap programming. But, this Bachelor Pad situation has taken a turn. A bad turn.

You can only yell at a TV screen so much and tell someone they are out of their minds so much before it gets old. Then you just get filled with annoyance and anxiety which is not feelings anyone wants.

For instance: The part I saw is this Vienna moron getting worked up that Jake the Tool might join the group. How emotionally awful that would be. wa wa wa cry cry cry

I have a fucking crazy ass idea, VIENNA....if it is that horrifying, don't go on the TV show. YOU KNOW he might be on it. Why would you put yourself in a situation you claim to be so heart breaking?

For instance - A horrifying situation for me is getting mauled by a lion. Hence - I do all in my power to refrain from jumping into the lion exhibit at the local zoo. Even if the lions are not currently in the outside area...I still don't jump in!

Side note: I actually have been in the lion exhibit at Lincoln Park Zoo...but I was in on business and personally witnessed the lions were secured.

In another situation...a woman said that she was attracted to this man because he used 'big words'. In the scene before that...the 'big word' he used was: dysfunctional.

OHHHHHHH to be simple and consider dysfunctional to be a big word. I pray to all the gods currently and previously worshiped on this earth, the producers cut something out to make her look a fool.

I get this is all about ratings and this is what people like to see. But, I will not subscribe to this tomfoolery! EVERYONE STOP WATCHING THIS HORSESHIT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD - BRING BACK THE SITCOM!

Oh wait...what do I hear?

Perhaps you assume I am just some bitter, old, single lady. A bitter, old, single lady that doesn't believe in true love. True, manufactured love that only elaborate, cross-country casting calls, several cameras, and a prime time network TV slot can supply.


Perhaps you think I hate this programming so much because I am not the type of girl that could be on it so....I MUST be jealous.


1. Let's discuss these men and women together:

What are these jobs they have?

Who has the ability to leave their job for several months to embark on an 'adventure of love'? This is sweet, sweet America. You are lucky if you get 3 weeks vacation in this country. The only way you get more than a month off and are guaranteed a job upon return is if a human being comes out of your vagina. I am not aware of the "I Am Pathetic And Need To Go On A Game Show To Find Love Act" that allows for this time.

Do they all have shit jobs?

When they say they are a 'marketing specialist' do they actually stock food at the grocery store and consider the arrangement of soup cans to be marketing?

Let's say they left a decent job for their 'journey of love'...have they seen the news? The world's economy isn't doing great. Do they expect to just jump into another job with 'The Bachelor/ette Pad' on their resume? What? Does that look good?

This must be the same mentality people use when spending $50K on an M.B.A. from an on-line university.

Newsflash: Wasted a whole lotta money and time on something that makes you look foolish and will get you nothing. Contrary to the are NOT a phoenix rising from the are a dirty park pigeon eating out of an ash tray.

Oh wait - it IS SO endearing and romantic how they gamble everything on this 'journey'...isn't it?! They have such FAITH IN LOVE!! WHAT!?! WHAT!?! NOOOO!

Would it be adorable and touching if I my broke-ass drove my 2000 Jetta down to Vegas, hoisted the Jetta up on Red 5, and got all teary eyed and said into a camera "I just have so much faith in this process, I've never had luck here but I believe it it!!! I know that I'm gambling everything I have...but it will be worth it!"????

No. No. No. Dumb. You'd say I was an idiot.

2. Let's discuss the men:

I don't even want to be friends with or even remotely acquainted with a man that has toyed with the idea of being on this TV show.

It is gay to be a man on these programs. And by gay I mean both the controversial '80's/90's slang for lame and homosexual.

I can't imagine any dude I know wanting to appear of this program. I am cool. I have cool friends, not lame ones. Why would some lady want to be on this show? To meet lame dudes? I just don't get it. The dude selection is weak.

If they aren't lame, they are homosexuals. Homos that just can't admit they are homos. They have gone to great lengths to appear on a lame hetero dating show in an attempt to prove to Nana that they are straight and deserving of an inheritance. This is the only is 2011...everyone is cool with gays. If you aren't cool with the gays - you are far more lame than the jags on The Bachelore/ette/ Pad.

3. Finally, the women:

They are all beautiful and hot. They have the outgoing personality to appear on TV.

Beautiful, hot, outgoing.....that is the recipe for finding a husband.

CLEARLY - these women are extremely and severely flawed in some manner that hides deep beneath the skin...a psychotic manner. THESE are the women that gave women the "crazy bitch' name. These are the women that guys go on a two dates with...dude doesn't call them again and before he knows it there is a rabbit boiling on his stove.

Again - only reasonable explanation.

OH...I hear are thinking one of two things:

a. But Mere, you are so stunningly beautiful and single in your old age, are you a crazy bitch?

Answer: NO. I am a fattie. A 5'9" fattie. Never been thin. I have always had the chub. I go up and down in weight dramatically, but have never been at an attractive weight. The cocktail for crazy and single is "beautiful, hot, outgoing". Not hot...also not the recipe.

b. You are just jealous of those beautiful, hot, outgoing girls!!!!!

Answer: NO. If I was hot and outgoing in addition to my amazing looks, grade-A sense of humor, and far above average intelligence...I would rule the world. Frankly, I don't want that kind of responsibility. This is an excellent example of how God is fair - no one gets it all. More importantly, I wouldn't waste my time on some TV show of jags if I was hot.

So there it is.

I demand everyone stop watching this bullshit. At the very least...only watch it on occasion. No need to keep ratings high. It is madness.

All I want in this world is America to be restored to the secure days during the Reagan administration...where TV programing was quality sitcoms about orphans and their golden retrievers residing legally with an old dude, where a midget black boy finds a home with a well-off white couple, where an ornery butler serves an average middle class family, or another average middle class family has a cat eating alien living with them.

These real America scenarios are far more realistic than a TV show about a bunch of a hot, attractive people who can't get a date.


I have been recently seduced by radio ads for the National Guard.

Maybe I should join the National Guard?!?! One weekend a month and 2 weeks per year. I can do that. I get a check and they pay for school. Sounds good!

This is how you get lured in. They sell it as helping your community.

Great! Super!

Then...reality set it.

#1 I am probably too old.

#2 I envision it as me throwing sandbags around when a random local river rises, beating down some unruly hippies at a Widespread Panic show, or maybe crowd controlling some drunk Croatians as an ethnic fest. This is probably not it.

#3 I thought maybe it would be like some mandatory monthly workout that I got paid for. I'd run around in mud, do a jig through some tires, scale a wall made of wood.

It is more likely I will have to wear camouflage and stand at attention or some shit which...would make me feel silly and then I would laugh.

Then...then...can you imagine? It is all Full Metal Jacket and some dude is screaming in my face "two things come from Chicago, people that work at banks and skanks, you don't look much like a banker!"

Then skank it is, sir!

Some high ranking officer would be screaming at me to climb the wall and I'd start crying like in Officer and a Gentleman or whatever movie I am thinking of.

Point is...I seriously considered this for about 12 hours - I went as far as to go on to the IL National Guard website. Which - by the way - SUCKS.

I can only assume someone in a military uniform will be buzzing my door in the next week. They know. They know I was looking.

Too bad I came to my senses. It's not all glorious sandbags and racially profiled crowd control.

Most importantly....I can not be disciplined at this age. I just can't. I can't take it seriously.

Maybe that is why there is an age limit on the military. My brain can not be properly washed, my soul not properly terrorized.

When I played rugby my coach was all over the forwards for being fat, lazy, and out of shape. My response: " ever think maybe I don't want to be fit"

Not a good idea.

Hence...I would be discharged.


NATURALLY - the blizzard of 2011 would be followed by the heat wave of 2011.

I have 4 digits for you: 1995

That winter we had negative 60 wind chill ... followed by the death summer of heat.

No need to consult your Almanac...I am here.

I enjoy summers in Chicago. Ever since I moved back it has been mild. A couple stretches of 90 plus but for the most part a summer of 80 degrees. FANTASTIC! Beautiful! PERFECTION!

I should have known this would not last. Now...I am bitter.

That damn blizzard was the warning...from shit winters comes shit summers.

I am a bitter, angry, sweaty bitch.

I would take the lives of numerous puppies to have The Snowtorious B.I.G. roll its 9 foot snow drifts of furry through this town right now.

Show me a cute puppy...I'll snap its neck if you can guarantee me we can keep it at 85 degrees and below for the rest of summer.

I don't kid.

I'll snap the entire helpless litter's necks. That is how serious I am about hating this relentless heat.

Then....I'll kill your grandma.

I'll smother her with a pillow. I'll smother everyone's grandmother with a pillow if it means this heat is done. It is win - win. I get an enjoyable temperature and you get your inheritance. EVERYBODY wins on my plan.

I get it. We all don't agree on temperatures...The world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. Diff'rent strokes to move the world and what not.

BUT - there is NOTHING tolerable about this weather. And let me tell you - the masses have spoken. Barely anyone is at the park: your casual book reader adult to your child in the playground to the old immigrants that drink wine and play bocce.

Most everyone is just looking out the window, "Oh look, it is sunny, it looks nice." They paw helplessly at the window like some kind of abused and forgotten shelter animal, awaiting its day of execution. They give a heavy sigh and walk away from the window, knowing it is not safe out there. No. It is not safe.

It is sad. This summer blows.