Crazy People Love Me.

Crazy people love me. Mind my business and they find me. There is little I can do about this. I don't seek these people out. They come to me.

I was sitting on a bench waiting for a train, doing a crossword when a 50 year old black man sat down and began a conversation. A conversation that was uncomfortable and I did not ask for. It was really a one sided conversation because I wasn't sure how to react to it.

After making some kind of opening pleasantry about the day or the weather or something of that nature, he said "You know, my neighborhood on the southeast side is just disgusting. Black people are filthy disgusting animals that do nothing but kill each other like dogs. You can't walk down the street, kids can't go to school, all the mothers are crack addicts" we gooooooooooooooo.

How exactly is a white person to respond to this? I certainly wasn't going to argue, it is terrible that people live in these conditions. But, since I am white, it is not my place to say anything. I just smile and nod.

"you know what those black people say? They say 'look at the Mexicans and Puerto Ricans', you know what I say? They are hard working people. They might be in gangs but they are not filthy drug addicts like all the damn black people"


He went on...and on "and white people? I never seen in my life a bad white neighborhood. Black people act like white people are a problem. I say to them, white people are not afraid of their own neighborhoods. But, you know, white people are crazy too, don't get me wrong. They are crazy in their own way. They have Republicans trying to make some Tea Party. White people got nothing better to do than make a Tea Party? Go have a tea party. Why are they making a Tea Party? Stupid white people"

That...humored me. But still I wished my train would arrive.

On he went "you know, the only thing that makes someone filthy and disgusting is laziness. Black people are lazy. Lazy is what makes you filthy."

Then a train on the opposite platform arrived and a group of black people got off....

He pointed them out: "you see that, that is another thing about black people, they gotta travel in packs. Packs of lazy drug addicts. Just roaming the streets. I guarantee you they are all on the food stamps and the section 8 housing. Oh yeah, they all got their LINK cards, guarantee you that. Lazy killing dogs."

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE??? This black man is shit talking his race like a member of the Klan. I don't understand what I am supposed to do. Doesn't he know only white people are allowed to shit talk their own kind in front of other races??? It is the golden rule of race relations. Only whites can hate on their race in the presence of other races.

This made me think about all the times I have had encounters with people like this. Why is it me? Always me? I have strange encounters with people. It could be anything: a conversation like this, a verbal assault on my whiteness, just something I was present for. I started to tally up the races involved.

-Bizarre situation when Bank One Ballpark was being built and this crazy man that I presume was homeless.
-The free spirited man in Mexico (presumably hiding from U.S. law) that was clearly not right and then lit up a joint on the Sea of Cortez while Mexican Police boats were all around.
-The homeless woman that would spit on me and put some kind of curse on me in Latvian.

-The man at the DMV that asked me if me or any of my friends were interested in having sex with a black man.
-The cracked out woman that was stalking me at Safeway and calling me a white bitch.
-The kid that threw a fruit flavored chew at me and called me a white bitch
-The man screaming "suck my dick" at the drive thru liquor store

Native Americans:
-The man at the Walgreens that was roaming up and down the line of white people screaming and getting in our faces about how the red man is diabetic because of the white man. I'm not sure why in the 30 minutes this was going on the police were not called. I was convinced I would be scalped if I made eye contact as did everyone else.

-The girl that got in my face while I was walking into a Mexican grocery store and said: what do you think you are doing here you white bitch.

I can conclude four things from this:

1. I am a white bitch
2. Whites and blacks are insane
3. Asians don't tend to mess with giant white girls
4. Crazy people LOVE me

I thought about all this and my train was still not there. My new friend was going on and on and on. The conversation turned to me. He asked if I ever played a sport. I said I did. He asked what sport and I said rugby.

He went on to say " can tell. You are all thick"

This is what I love to hear.

Then he said "you must have several men fighting over you"

This is where he didn't understand white men. No white man wants a 'thick' girl. I told him he was wrong. He went on to tell me that he has never been married nor did he ever father a child, this was what he had in common.

That is where the conversation turned from typical oddness to complete insanity as it always does when you are dealing with a maniac. This is the point I love in these conversations. Just when you thought it couldn't get more does.

He said "you know, you gotta get the sex sometimes. In my neighborhood I will buy the ladies a ten dollar rock. I have them come over to my place, but I'll never learn they are just crack addicts because they steal my toilet paper and hot sauce. I buy them rock and they steal my toilet paper and hot sauce, ain't worth it!"

Dear. God. What. The. Hell.

He goes on "you know, all black people have hot sauce. Black people love sauce, but only certain brands, the kind from Louisiana"

At this point my train was approaching. He said "This must be your train, the brown line. There is no way you'd be on the Harlem green"

I got up and told him it was nice meeting him. I am polite. There you have it. Another chapter in my book of insane people that love talking to me.