Odd...but true...

So I have a new neighbor. The man has a beautiful singing voice and him and his lady friend have some fantastic passionate fights. I often linger outside my door to listen to both the singing and fighting.

The odd thing is what is posted on their front door. It is not like they are 60...they are late twenties, early 30's. So this simply makes no sense. My favorite thing is imagining someone uncovering this in the move and then mounting the beast to the door. Also I like to picture it's ownership coming to question when they break up: "That lute/scroll/grape hideous bronze door decoration is mine! Not yours"

Here it is:

The weirder part...in The Office this week I spotted it on the wall in Jim's house.

Not that you are going to do this unless you are bored out of your mind or think that I lie like a rug but you can see it via the link below. The version in The Office is a beautiful gleaming gold. Perhaps it is the original.


It is Episode 509. You don't need to watch the entire episode you can click to it. It is at 18:13, I suggest getting ready to pause at 18:13....it is viewable for 2 seconds, but my quick, observant, fancy eye picked it up. I am not sure you are that good.

I did...click back, pause it. Look at my computer...ran to my front door to confirm it was the same piece of art and ran back to my computer to resume watching the episode and was humored.

That is a bizarre coincidence, if I do say so...or maybe it is not.

Some things...

I saw recently:

#1. The other night I was walking back from the grocer and saw a opossum. Opossums scare the crap out of me. I believe them to be aggressive, rabid and have teeth sharp as razors and as large as refrigerators. I saw it cross the road and stopped and waited for it to find itself into someone's front yard. Then I walked quicker, than my already Olympic pace walking, and I am pretty sure I heard it growl at me.

I know what outsiders may think...that we don't have wildlife in the city besides pesky squirrels and disgusting rats. We do. Coyote, bunnies galore and the occasional deer.

Besides...a opossum is just a giant rat. Or at least it looks like one.

#2 ?????

Someone/thing that could only be described as a lost Latino Elf. If only I carried my camera around for such events....I'd have a picture and you too would say: "that can only be described as a lost Latino Elf"

It was this small woman sitting atop a garbage can on Washington, dressed flamboyantly with large faux gems glued to either side of her eyes. She donned some fantastic gold winter boots. Not a fashion boot...but something one might hike through the North Pole in if they were Lead Elf. She yelled things in a jovial manner in a language I could not understand but I believed to be Spanish or a dialect of. Needless to say, it was odd. But one of the reasons I love the city.

#3 Macy's window

I planned on taking a picture of this and sending a letter to Macy's to get them to understand some things about Chicago and Chicagoans. But today I noted it was gone. Good. And let me tell you, this lady is no stranger to filing complaint letters about worthless crap that annoys her. War? Starvation? Guantanamo Bay? No no...that is not my concern. But retail outlets...don't get me started. I was publically mocked on a Phoenix radio station for my complaints. I still hate Subway because they won't take Jared off their commercials....even though I formally requested the act.

Back to heartless Macy's, it was a window display and in the background was a black and white picture of a city skyline featuring the Chrysler building.

OK....this is the issue, Macy's:

a. You fucking raped us of Marshall Field's. I understand...it is just a store. But it was an icon in Chicago. How mother-f-ing dare you, put a picture of a New York landmark in the god damn window of THE Marshall Field's Building. Let me tell you what this is like doing:

That is like your mom and dad getting divorced. Then your mom dies. Then you go to your dad's house and find he only has photos of his 'new' family and none of you and your brothers and/or sister. You are officially an a-hole. I'm not going to take some kind of stand against it. I am just saying, Macy's, you are an asshole if you think that is appropriate. Do it in Minnesota, do it California, do it anywhere else...just have the SENSE not to do that in Chicago.

b. A true Chicagoan...does not in any way, shape or form envy New York. That is the way it is. Chicago has played second fiddle to NY since it was birthed. We do not think it is better. We think we are better. So please...do not taunt the Chicagoan with images of your beloved city, we actually love our city. We don't need your city. Someone from Dover, DE might need your city. But we...we in Chicago do not NEED your city. We have our own buildings...this is where the skyscraper was born for Christ sake and we take that shit seriously. That and putting immigrants' fingers in sausage. We are proud people.

c. Why is Chicago better? Because, on average, we are fatter. Fat people are fun. If you had the last 12 hours of your life to spend with someone...would it be a bag of bones or someone on the chubby side? Don't fool yourself...it would be the chubby.

Kate Moss vs. Santa?

You want to hang out with Santa. Yes....stop thinking you don't.

When you sit down for a nice steak you don't want some skinny coked out bitch judging your every bite. NO NO NO NO NO. You want Santa. The fat bastard is going to encourage you to eat it up. Enjoy your steak and the man is going to throw back a few with you. He is unpretentious and has no where better to be. Meanwhile, Kate is checking her watch every second waiting to get the hell out of there and away from your miserable company. Don't flatter yourself. Santa is the way to go. He might be making list...but he is a fair and just man.

Santa is to Chicago as Kate Moss is to NYC.

A Message:

This goes out to nearly everyone I know and is amused by me:

Correct me if I am wrong...

She bugs
Her face is kind of annoying
She is doomed for a future of trash, smut and drugs...it shall be entertaining.

Bitch Cunt and back to the Bitch

That is what I was called today as I crossed the street on a walk signal.

This is what a fella in what appeared to be a migrant worker truck or a truck used to collect alley treasures called me...

I got off the bus and was delighted to see I had a walk signal. Hooray. No waiting for me. As I crossed I noted the truck on the other side of the street was quickly attempting to make a left turn and kill me.

This prompted me to walk at a snail pace as to alert him that I, the pedestrian, had the right of way. Go ahead...hit me. All that crap in that back of your truck will be mine. The three rakes, the broken lamp, the like new navy blue sweatshirt, and the toilet.

This prompted him to call me a bitch and tell me that it was a red light.

"Nope...I have a walk signal" -me

"you are a cunt" - truck jerk

"you are unfamiliar with how the road signals work" -me

"bitch" - truck jerk

The whole time, an older gay man was yelling at him with various profanities. After we were safe on the sidewalk he said "Pardon my French back there but that guy was in the wrong"

Two things:

1. Love the term "Pardon my French", let's go ahead and bring that back.

2. I can't stand trucks.
They are a dumb automobile and I can only assume the soul reason for demise of the American car industry. If your job or hobby does not require you to haul around calves or futons, what the heck do you need one for? It is frowned upon to put humans back there. So what is the purpose of all that open air space?

Down with trucks.

No really.....

..watch it again.

Unless you are ignorant, racist or blindly for one party and not the other...how can you watch this and not want to be a better American? Be the change, my friends.


A leader inspires people to be the best the can. If you can, put your issues aside for 10 minutes and just listen to what he says. How can you not want to be a better citizen? If you can't....I can't understand you. But I'll probably like you anyway...

Update on RPDSS

So.....my cheap bastard self purchased some new deodorant about 2 weeks ago.

I was under this impression that a miracle had occurred.

You can part as many seas as you want and cure as many cases of leprosy as you see fit - but let's talk REAL MIRACLES...that being getting this right pit to not smell like that of a squirrel carcass. Or for my regional friends...it smells like the alley just north of Madison between Wells and LaSalle - which has the distinct odor of rotting body of prostitute.

I am not kidding, please visit this alley if you ever have the need to rid yourself of the contents of your stomach and can't bring yourself to vomit. The odor of this alley induces gagging. I bury my nose in my right pit (OF ALL PLACES!) to avoid the stench. Then I want to cleanse myself 'Silkwood' style.

There hadn't been a sign of Right Pit Dead Squirrel Syndrome since the implement of the new product.

But today...it struck again.

What the mother loving heck is going on?

I think I have a plan to combat the RPDSS and keep up with my cheap bastard lifestyle....

I will buy 3 different deodorants and switch them each week.

I am not sure why I did not come up with this before...it seems so obvious.

Fool..I am one at times.

If this doesn't work I am totally going to blame this on Obama winning the election. I mean really...is it just coincidence that my pit acted up the first full day he is President Elect? I think not my friends....I think not.

I had The Hope for my pit...Hope don't cure RPDSS. Nope...it sure don't.


My guy won!!!!
I am so happy!!!!

Things don't really go my way. I had two nightmares last week where McCain won.
I would wake up confused and sad.

But this all seems real. Hooray!!!!!

I'd like to send a special thanks to McCain...for rolling over for the religious maniacs and changing your views to appease them and - more importantly for picking the shittiest running mate known to the earth. If it had not been for these retarded and erratic choices...I am not sure this would have happened!!!

Thanks! You are tops!!!!