Down with it.

I hate this:

FIRST LINE: "I am a college senior" The fact this little bitch is about to go on some self righteous diatribe and is a college senior - presumably 21 years old - is hilarious. It is hilarious to anyone that was 21. Yes - we all think we know everything at that age. But then we grow up a realize we knew shit about shit. The people that HONESTLY think they did in fact have it figured out at 21 or any age - ARE ASSHOLES that know SHIT about SHIT.

Dear Dummy,

I have some points to make:

1. You make minimum wage, work less than full time, and have no debt. Perhaps you should refrain from wasting your time writing shit on giant paper with a Sharpie (I'd love to know HOW YOU AFFORDED the Sharpie and that fancy paper - neither is cheap - they are strictly a middle class purchase not for the poverty level you live in) you should write a book, get your own TV show. Suzie Orman has NOTHING on your financial brilliance.

2. A state university? You act like that is a sacrifice. MOST PEOPLE go to state universities. OH.MY.GOD. Do you also make the sacrifice to breathe the same air as everyone? Drive on the same roads? WOW. You are a humanitarian.

3. You started saving for college at 17? WHAT THE FUCK? UNLESS you started school at 30 --- this statement is ABSURD at best. On this statement alone - you should have your degree revoked.

4. You got 'decent' grades and received NOT ONE...BUT TWO scholarships. Ok...I am going to call you BULLSHIT. You got decent grades and enrolled at a decent university and have scholarships flowing out your ass? Are you disabled? An orphan? A minority? Something is setting you apart. STOP BEING AN ASS!!!!

5. A scholarship is a handout you fucking asshole!!!!

6. The laundry list of shit you don't have. I don't have half that shit. WHY is this a sacrifice? When I was in college, we had a saying in my house "the alley shall provide"....when we needed a piece of furniture we would just roam alleys looking for shit. Stop being a little bitch. We've all been there. Some more than others.

7. Oh golly! And the rest - got IT ALL FIGURED OUT!!! Congrats. I got news for you sweetheart, you live in a dream world. I hope life continues to be a piece of cake as it has been so you can look down on everyone else. Everyone else that has also worked hard and found themselves in situations they NEVER thought they'd be in when they were a know-it-all college senior.

When You're a Jet, You're a Jet

...from your first cigarette till your last dying day!!!!!!!!!!!

OR....something like that. It's from West Side Story.

I love a good musical.

I have a story in my life where I say "it was like West Side Story"

I like it. NO. I LOVE saying that.

What happened? Me. I happened.

There was a disagreement of some sort at a Filibertos.

Filibertos is a popular Mexican eatery for drunks. I could write an entire blog post about Fils. How you order. How you don't. How I nearly died on a bike trying to keep balance while holding a burrito while drunk. How I found a giant raw shrimp in the middle of my "Arizona burrito, no pico, plus sour cream"....but I won't. We are focusing on one evening.

So...some disagreement. Some white girls and some Hispanics.

West Side Story.

I, drunk, ironed it out. I wanted to make peace. Then , I, drunk, JUST HAD TO HAVE the last word. The Hispanics walk to the door. I am kneeling at a booth, holding a soda in my hand. I say some smart ass thing as they are walking out the door. The dude looks at me. "ahh crap" I think...just pissed him off. He back hands me across the face, knocks my drink out of my hand.

My friend, Mary, is up before my drink even meets the wall. She grabs him, punches him in the face.



I did nothing in this battle but provoke it. I didn't throw one punch. This shames me. But, it was confusing. I wasn't prepared. The insanity was overwhelming.

Suddenly there was punches to the head and screaming. At one point someone picked up one of the Hispanics and threw him across a condiment stand and straws went flying everywhere. It was the 4th of July of straws.

I am not kidding. You take away the blades and queer was West Side Story.

I remember looking over at the workers at one point and they were all behind walls, watching with only their heads poking out.

It is Arizona. I can't believe no one had a gun. Someone yelled they were calling the police. My other friend said "NO NO NO. We are drunk, no calling the police".

The Hispanics left at a police threat and someone did call. The police were there in moments but the Hispanics already left. They were not new to crime. This was not their first rodeo, they backed their car out of the parking lot. In AZ we don't have front license plates so...this is a good idea. We couldn't get a plate number.

The police talked to us about it. One said "let me get this straight, you girls got in a fist fight with some Mexican thugs, are unharmed, and they ran away?"

Yes...yes...that is true.

It is a lesson to all. Do not fuck with me or my friends. Mostly my friends because I was worthless in this event.