Year in Review 2008:

Nothing changed.

I have the same life as I did 365 days ago.

Happy New Year.

Are you Worthless or are you Decent?

I have decided that men come in two flavors. Don't take this as some kind of bitter old spinster rant. I am just sayin'...two flavors.

It is rough times when people show their true colors. Are you a helpful and decent? Or are you just a worthless bag-a-dicks?

Incident #1:

I went to venture out in my car on Saturday. It was chilly. My car door was frozen shut. So I do what you do when that happens: Throw myself against the car door, yank it open, throw myself against the car door, yank.

As this scene is going down the man getting into his car behind me said "you need help?" I replied with a thanks, but I think I almost got it and I gave it a yank and it opened. I smiled and thanked him again and he said "well I guess you can only get one person on that job". True. And clearly I am the size of an ox so no need for you.

I then had to do some fancy maneuvering to get my car over the 18 inches of snow. I technique I shall discuss in a later post. Then when I was out on the town, I purchased a car shovel as to avoid the ridiculousness of getting over the snow. Much easier to just shovel out of there.

Incident #2:

The next day I needed to go out and replace my spare tire which has been flat since my friend's baby shower. That baby turned 3 this year. I need this tire as I will be traveling to MN via my trusty Jetta and it is good to have a spare.

It is bitter cold. Negative 35 wind chill. Yikes. Shoot me. So I get in my car. Let it warm up a bit and go. NOPE. Not going. Just sitting her spinning my wheels, as they say.

Hmmm. Well. I need that darn tire. I need to pick up my laundry. I got to get out of here. There is no choice.

So I try to go again. Spinning.

I get out of my car and try to clear any snow. Well the snow has frozen into a mass. It is not soft. It is like ice. White ice. A jagged glacier of sorts. Send the polar bears here for temporary housing. My plastic shovel is worthless. I should have bought some kind of welder's torch that plugs into the cigarette lighter. I am inventing one take my idea. I sue you.

I go around and crack what ice I can with my crappy $10 shovel.

Get back in the car. Still spinning. So I sit there. I start to theorize that heat from the engine will eventually start melting the ice. This is an absurd notion but I must have hope. So I sit there for 10 minutes and then try to go I actually do move about 4 inches. It is a start but again I am stuck. I can't go forward or back. I am just lodged and spinning. Forward, reverse, forward, reverse...nothing. I remain calm and just sit there. Looking cool and pretty.

It is then that a kind man comes to my aid. He is pushing my car back while I am in reverse. He is pushing from behind when I'm in first. He is chipping away ice with me. Finally I am set free. It was on the reverse. I think the man actually picked my car up to get it over the glacier that my car was on. I am not sure how you repay someone that was kind enough to dick around with you and your car for 20 minutes in negative 35 degree weather. All I could do was thank him and wish him merry Christmas. I hope karma treats him well and he wins the lottery or a loved one is cured of a disease. This is all I can do.

That man was clearly a saint.

Incident #3:

I take my car to Just Tires. The name of this institution should be "Just Worthless Bastards". So I am sitting there waiting for it to be finished and this dude comes in and says "I can't get your trunk open". I go with him and take the key and say "It is probably frozen shut" f-ing moron. It is NEGATIVE 35...CLEARLY this car has been sitting outside for hours if not the last 4 years.

UGH! Let me get that for you, sir!

So I go to my car, press unlock and pull the frozen trunk open with my brute strength.

Just took a little bit of this yankee doin' some yankin'.

I look at him and smile.

He says "uhhhhh...I didn't want to break anything"

I call your bullshit, sir. You are a weakling. A weakling that must get a GIRL to help you. Are fucking kidding me? Is this what the world has come to? Let me handle this. Let me open the frozen trunk since you clearly do not have the strength to do so, you having a cock and balls and all. You having more testosterone than I running through your body. You having a natural muscle mass that far exceeds my own. Please...put your feet up somewhere while this GIRL opens the fucking frozen trunk. And anyone - with any sense would know - it was NOT a mechanical issue. It was simply frozen shut. You could hear it unlock, dickslap. Are you deaf? You are not the dude with one ear from yesterday that told me it would take 4 hours to replace the spare. So I am going to go ahead and assume you can in fact HEAR. You have muscles. I assume you have a brain. Figure it the fuck out. Figure it out and put some power in it before you run to a GIRL for help, you F-ing SALLY.

I swear to god, if I was a man - I would get a hair dryer, an ice pick and a god damn crowbar, before I would ask a GIRL to help me open a fucking frozen trunk. I would pull the car into the warm garage and let it thaw. I would have the fucking ingenuity and respect for myself and the rest of the male species to NEVER seek the GOD DAMN help from a FUCKING GIRL!!!!

Well - here it is. This is what the world has come to. Why stop at frozen trunks? I may as well assist men with heavy parcels. I may as well open doors for them and insist they enter an elevator before me. When I see a man struggling to get his heavy piece of luggage from the overhead bin in an airplane, I will step in and say "no no...let me get that for you". Perhaps I should start walking grown men across streets.

However - I will let it go.

After all, the score from the weekend was:

Worthlessness: 1
Decency: 2

Question on Social Acceptability...

Is it acceptable for an adult to eat a piece of chocolate shaped like an animal in public?

Sometimes...I am not sure.

On my flight from Phoenix to Chicago I decided to have my way with a chocolate shaped reindeer my mother gave me. Granted...a small reindeer. It wasn't like it was a 9 inch tall reindeer that I pulled out of my carry-on. He was about 4 inches tall.

I felt foolish in the close quarters an airplane is. But I did not let my modesty get the best of my need to eat chocolate. I took a bite out of his rear end so I could then break off pieces and eat him like a civilized adult. But I still felt silly fumbling around with this reindeer chocolate at age 31.

I realize I should be eating something more adult like a chocolate bar or truffle...but that was not available and desperate times call for desperate measures and if that plane went down in a freak accident my soul would be angry that I did not eat that darn reindeer.

This was a hollow reindeer.

I have an issue with hollow chocolate figures and always have my entire life. I feel ripped off. "ummm...I thought this ENTIRE thing was chocolate...not just the outer shell...WTF?"

Growing up I had these German neighbors. One year their grandmother, from Germany, sent over the mother load of Easter candy delights. I was insanely jealous. As you may know, candy is gold to a child. Watching your neighbors gather gold around their yard is painful when their Easter gold-load is 95 times the size of yours. Plus they had fantastic European delightful chocolate not found in the US. GIVE IT TO ME NOW.

It is especially painful when you are me and your favorite chocolate holiday is Easter. Cadbury Eggs. I know - some don't fancy them. I am a lover. The happiest day of the year for me is the day after Easter when I buy them at a heavy discount. I travel feverishly from store to store to buy them and store them in my freezer like a crazed fall time squirrel and his nuts. It is not normal...this behavior. I admit it.

This German Easter brought one item that made me go green more than anything. An enormous three foot foil wrapped chocolate bunny. Those bitches!

It was kept in the downstairs area that served as some type of play room. It was like a bunny shaped chocolate trough. It would watch me play. Beckoning me to take a bite. Sometimes mocking me with its shiny eyes. A bite never taken.

I wondered when these girls would ever open the darn bunny. It seemed to me the chocolate would be escpecially tasty because it came from a three foot bunny.

Then one day...the foil was folded back on his ears, bites taken to expose the truth.

That bunny was hollow. Hollow like their Grandmother's love.

I was no longer impressed.

The 'Ol Snow Day...

I feel a need to comment on this ridiculous ritual.

The snow day.

I remember being a kid and praying for a snow day.

They were the greatest. However...very unlikely to happen in Chicago. We are tough as nails.

It is not as often as people think. I remember watching the news, praying my district is mentioned. Asking mom what district we were in. It wasn't a big deal in my home because my mother stayed at home until I was in about 3rd or 4th grade. But what about everyone else? It seems like a hardship to me.

Plus....back in the 80's....

I think you needed 12 feet of snow to get a snow day. I recall having a "it is negative 60 out, school is canceled day" in high school.

I remember being dressed for school. In turquoise stretch pants and an ugly long sweatshirt with geometric snowflake-like design on it in like 4th or 5th grade and peeking out the garage and my parents feverishly shoveling the drive way so they could get to work and yelling to me it was a snow day. Those poor people. Paying taxes and laboring on a driveway while the kids and the teachers of the world are sitting with their feet up. What is going on??? What is this???

Those are the only times I recall having a snow day. I also remember the heat being broken at 'ol GW High School and everyone going from class to class in winter coats and finally school was canceled at like 1:30PM. After of course....suffering all day in the pioneers.

I am sure today if the road is lightly dusted with snow somehow these ungrateful little bastards get the day off. Lord knows, these non-tax paying free-loading kids have more rights than minorities in rural Arkansas.

This is what I don't get: If you are a working family. What are you supposed to do with your kids? You already use up all your sick days to care for their snotting noses. A normal working adult has crap for vacation time. It is not like any working adult has such thing as a snow day. It could be negative 95 and 5 feet of snow - you get your dog sled together if the car doesn't start. Just get to work.

So....if an adult must go to work - WHY THE HELL aren't kids going to school? If you can get your ass to work, you can get your kids to school.

What is this ridiculous tradition all about?

Not everyone has the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. Why is this privileged situation catered to?....and certainly if you are a stay at home mom - you want those kids in school and out of your hair!!!

Are children writing the policies to make snowmen?

This is my high school district pay. Pretty sweet for a job with 3 months off and the occasional 'snow day'. 88% of these people have a salary higher than mine. I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'.

Survival Guide, Part I

How not to get raped, mugged or your car broken into...

1. Mugged:

It is easy. Look poor.

I was coming home from the airport and my cheap self did not feel the need to purchase a cab. So instead I took the L, got off at Montrose and waited for the bus. The Montrose/90/94 area does not appear to be the best location on earth in terms of safety. But I am willing to risk it to save a dime. This dime is only to be saved during hours of light. You will not find me standing there at dark time.

Nonetheless...I quickly spotted a thug. He wandered in and out of the L entrance. I kept an eye on him. On his 3rd trip out to the open air I noted he pulled out an IPhone.

To keep my self safe I immediately pulled out my crappy flip phone circa 2004.

What this says to a would-be-mugger is: "I have nothing to offer you. I am poor. There is nothing in this bag but debt, a five dollar bill, a bottle of water and a crappy library book." Now...if you are a high roller and have a fancy SmartPhone or IPhone or what have you...I suggest you keep your crappy old phone with you and pull that out when you feel threatened in any manner.

2. Raped and mugged for that matter.

A lit cigarette. This is as good as wielding a knife or having a gun strapped to your hip. Let's be honest, even if you had some pepper spray, you would have to dig it out of your pocket or bag. Plus the type of pepper spray legal in most states is no good. You need to get yourself some good stuff. The kind only legal in Arizona, Texas, Wyoming and Idaho. If it is legal in states that are still the wild west or hate gays and is GOOD STUFF. Cause those people are nuts. However, a lit cigarette is a mini flaming torch. No one likes to be the eyeball. Even if you don't smoke always carry around a pack of cigarettes and a lighter if you expect to be traveling on foot during dark hours.

side story:

Once I was being verbally assaulted by a man in a giant truck (of course). I was in my tiny Mitsubishi Eclipse. I was simply informing him that he was traveling on the wrong side of the lane in a parking lot. When the argument reached its pinnacle I was luckily armed with a cigarette and proceeded to extinguish it on his forearm. I take satisfaction in knowing this man still has a scar from this incident. When people ask him "What is that?" he may claim he was burned by a crazy bitch. But in reality we all know he was burned by a clever, delightful and perhaps cunning woman of sound mind that was reacting to his unnecessary verbal abuse.

3.Car Broken into:

Make your car look like a piece of junk.

For me this is easy. I have my side view mirror taped on. Once I was going to get this fixed. However, due to the electronic nature of the car's is $800 to get fixed. Instead it is taped on and looks great. Great because no one thinks the car could possibly hold anything of interest or value. I could leave an open bag of high dollar street drugs on the back one is going to get in there.

An added layer of safety is the tape deck. 2000 Jetta has a tape deck. People may laugh at this useless antiquated devise BUT...guess what. The 'ol CD player converter works with the IPod. YEAH! I saw that passing CD trend coming. That CD with no means of transferring to IPod convertibility. Not really. I was just to cheap to get the tape deck upgraded. Sometimes being a cheap bastard pays off. Plus - when you have two tapes still: Neil Diamond and Social Distortion....what more does one really need in times of trouble?

So...just throw some tape on your side view mirror and enlarge and print this photo of a tape deck and just tape it on over your fancy after factory sound devise and you are set.

I know best....follow my rules for survival.

A little something...

...I can't get rid of....


I can't do it. I can't get rid of this gem. I have it hanging on a door knob as though it is decoration. Fancy sparkling fringe filled decoration that is!

It just brings back memories of a former life. The good times. The carefree times. Waking up in a strange tent on a rugby field with no recollection of how I got there and wondering where my money, my ID, my credit card was. Then breathing a sign of relief when I noted The Original Safety Purse was strapped to me...safely.

...Hence the name...

Product Endorsements

I endorse these products:

1. Nivea Creme

I forget about this crap all the time. Today I was at work and my chapped nose was begging for treatment. Ahhh...the Nivea in my desk drawer. This is a fabulous all propose product that was created by the Germans and now manufactured by the Mexicans. You can use it on your lips, your face, or where ever you see fit. I am not ashamed to say I am a sucker for packaging. It comes in a delightful tin. I love any product in a tin. Who wants something in a plastic tube if you can have it in a fine tin? Plus look at those cute kids. They laugh in the face of frostbite...they know Nivea is waiting at home. This good safe wintertime fun is brought to you by Nivea.

2. The Velcro Roller (hair not included)

Simple and easy. Dry your hair with some volumizing spray, pop a couple in while you do your make-up. You have smooth hair with some volume. Until you put a hat on. Whatever - you looked good for the 5 minutes before you left for work.

3. The Forearm Warmer

Don't get me started on the evil world of clothing manufacturing. I am not obscenely tall. Must I buy the long length for pants? But it doesn't stop at pants. Winter coats are never long enough in the arm unless you have a man's coat. Who are coats made for? Midgets? People with flipper arms? Who? Must there be a gap between my glove and the end of my sleeve? Am I an ape with my knuckles dragging on the ground? No. I do not have long arms to my knowledge. So I am forced to remedy this problem with my forearm warmer....which I refer to as my Avril Lavignes. I am punk, yo!

4. The 180. The ear cuff. Etc.

I don't have one to actually photograph as I have already lost mine this year. This is what I do. I loose about $100 worth of winter gear each winter. This is the greatest invention of the modern winterworld. It will not ruin your hair. It is a discreet earmuff of sorts. It can be used in conjunction with a fashionable winter hat that does not cover the ears. Personally I have no clue how people run around without warmth on their heads. I do not sacrifice my comfort of fashion. Call me lame. I'll call you an overgrown child. I am Goldilocks. I do not like to be too cold or too hot. I will not suffer. If I could have figured out how to remove the skin from my body I would still be living in Phoenix.

5. Tea Pots shaped like Elephants I didn't have a number five and he was just laying around. Whatever....he is adorable...don't fight it.