How to sooth a fat girl in 48 hours...

It is interesting to how people try to soothe the chubbies of the world...

I simply have not been terrifically happy in the past few months. My life is going no where fast. It is annoying. It is depressing. I spend time crying about it. Whatever. I'll get over it. I've gotten over it before.

It is fantastic when your life crisis coincides with high tax season. Oh yes friends...don't be fooled. Tax season ain't doesn't come but once per year. October 15 is the other big deadline. April 15 is volume. Oct 15 is complexity.

To make a long story short, I had worked the past week getting an absurd tax return in balance and then for reasons I can not explain, when I opened it up...not in balance. I flipped the fuck out.

Crying. Crying at work.

Awesome. The thing is, only part of the tears were for the tax return.

You many from my generation - I never learned how to deal with my emotions. So instead of ever dealing or understanding my feelings, instead of ever trying to make sense of them or deeming them worthy, I just shove them into my bottle. Then...something...anything will set off that emotionally packed bottle and it will explode like a shaken 2 liter bottle of Coca-Cola Classic.

You may or may not be one of these people. You may have no understanding of why you can handle things sometimes and other times you flip out over nothing., like me, get set off and then every god damn emotion is set free. You are no longer just mad that the dog shat on the rug. You are mad and hurt about everything you denied actually happened to your precious little ego in the past 3 months. Suddenly that bullshit your friend of 10 years said to you in passing and you thought was nothing is coming up. Suddenly you are pissed at your parents for failing you when you were a child. Suddenly you realize you hate every aspect of your life and no matter who you try to can't be changed so it doesn't really matter. are just hating life. And then you are crying not about the dog's are crying about everything you never dealt with.

Some like to assume you are 'PMSing". NO. My emotional breakdowns do not routinely run with 'that time of the month'. I prefer to refer to it as BLSS...Baby of the Late Seventies Syndrome. (I am talking time of birth)

*I have a lot of like that?

We, seventies babies grew up in an age where mental health was just coming to light.

Some how everything got fucked up with us. We got sandwiched between the keeping-your-bullshit-to-yourself-and-shut-up generation and the express-every-god-damn-feeling-you-have-and-mommy-will-take-care-of-it generation.

*personally...I feel the entitlement of the later will be the demise of the American society. You gotta have some self hate - let's hope the BLSS kids keep everyone in check. But both are fucked.

Most of my lady friends have done it. They flip out. They injured property, themselves or spouses as a result of a flip out. Or - like me, they make a fool of themselves.

So - I am working on that return and I loose my mind. I am crying. My office mate calls in another co-worker to help me find the difference. I get up from my desk, crying and close the door in the face of one of our partners.


I can't win no matter the situation. Either I am a maniac because I can't handle my job or I explain the situation and am psychotic 31 year old spinster that is so unhappy she is can no longer work and they commit me.

Everything eventually works out with the return but I am crying all god damn day. Not just about the return. Yes - part of the frustration, but the other part is just my life and how tired of it I am.

And ladies and gentleman - how do you soothe a chub?


The other partner comes in and gives me marble pound cake and some Vitamin Water.

At lunch my officemate gives me half of her pasta dish.

Today I was crying all day again. Cried on the L on the way to work like a maniac, cried in the elevator to work. Cried all day again. My officemate buys me a cheeseburger.

I really love and appreciate these people. They are so very kind.

But, it also humors me. It makes me wonder...if I were thin - would I receive diamonds and gems? Would I receive something pretty like flowers or a fancy paperweight? Perhaps something I could sell on E-Bay when my emotional storm has settled?

Well..I do have to admit...I think a cheeseburger is pretty.

Which might explain a thing or two...

It makes me laugh:

I wish I knew someone I could send this greeting to. I think it is the use of the word "empire" that I find entertaining...

See poll



When you choose choose my best friend, Sarah.

He could die.

Then we are left with this run the free world.

I love when then the response is "well the president really don't anything without advisement"

DUDE.....YOU want a moron representing the US? You want her seeking advisement and making a reasonable choice? Have you seen the interviews? The woman is rumored to not believe in dinosaurs. It ain't Santa is BONES. IF NOT ACTUAL BONES THEN FOSSILIZED IMPRINTS OF LARGE BONES. She should consider flying to Chicago and taking a look at Sue.

*by the way - not sure that is true...

Let us remember: the only reason she is Governor is because she ran against the current unpopular Governor.

So let me break this down for you:

For those outside of IL: Our Gov is nuts. He lives within a mile from me. I try to find him on runs and I can't...if only I could.

For those in IL:
I COULD RUN AGAINST ROD TOMORROW...I guarantee you - I would win.

Then, when I am picked by the maverick for the next election, as VP...when you ask me what foreign countries I have visited - I am NOT going to include Japan and Korea where I simply made a stop over. Even though I was in Korea for near 24 hours. Nor will I say that I can see Canada from the Sears Tower on a clear day. I don't even know if that is possible - but that is how absurd it all is.

However....the US can take comfort in knowing...I am far more intelligent than this Palin character.

God Bless. Vote Obama.

3 faves. 3 don't care fors

I have nothing funny to say. This happens. I should be working - but I prefer to procrastinate like only a winning procrastinator can.

These are currently 3 favorite things:

1. Adam Carolla
The man is the finest man in all the land. I started listening to his morning radio show under the direction of my good friend, Katie. Shout out to Katie. Everything he says, I completely agree with. In fact, I am not convinced that man has not stolen some of my material. Some intriguing topics include: Men are no longer real men, people that freak about germs are always sick, a woman must be tall to be sexy (and have boobs), shit happens and you can't stop it...I love him.

2. The Cubs
I'm on the bandwagon and I am not afraid to admit it. I also enjoy the Sox but I have a special place in my heart for the Cubs...those Lovable Losers...I too am a Lovable Loser. I feel connected to them. They give me hope. If the Cubs can take it to the World Series, then I too can accomplish things. I would be even more thrilled if the Sox could also go the World Series. A Red Line Series would be killer...literally...I will probably not leave my home if that happens.

I dig the song 'Electric Feel" kinda makes me want to do this little shoulder and head dance while I prepare taxes at my fact, I do.

Hate is a strong word...these are three things I don't care for:

1. My right arm pit
It is possible Paris has my same issue and she is checking. For years I have been suffering from RPS. Right Pit Syndrome...this is a condition in which your right pit out sweats the left. has developed into RPDSS...Right Pit Dead Squirrel Syndrome. What is this? My right pit smells like what only can be described as a dead squirrel. Although it is true I have never smelled a dead squirrel, it is what I imagine one to smell like. The sweating has ceased and I have nothing but a unpleasant odor. This is the part where everyone suggests numerous deodorants. Well...I also have CBS. Cheap Bastard Syndrome. God forbid I buy new deodorant before I am out. Besides...this syndrome has lasted through 2 deodorants. Even my Lush powder is failing me....

2. Sarah Palin
Besides the fact that she a freak, she is a terrible mother. Women that have small children and choose a job that requires more than 40 hours per week when it is not needed should not have children. It is pretty simple. It is not sexist, it is nature. is also neglect. Women that think she is some kind of hero should seek help. Oh, no they don't need to. Their children will be seeking the help at age five and for the rest of their lives. Remember my friends...a cluster of cells in the womb is worth so very much that we need to make abortion illegal...BUT...once that baby is in the world and need to nurture it. Send it off so mommy can seek a high ranking job and make lots of money!!!!!!!

3. My job
It is not that I hate my job. I like it. It is entertaining and I work with awesome people. certain times of the year...I want to jump out the window to stop all the numbers from running through my head. I simply was not meant to work.