5 for a 5k

Today I ran my first 5k in about 4 years.  A sad performance but least I am more cool than some people at the race.  I might be slow, but I am friggin' awesome.

I was pleased to see that none of my old 5k annoyance have changed...such as:

1.  Nerds that wear their 5k shirt to the 5k.  Yes - this is my most bitchy complaint so it is first.  I just think it is nerdy.  There it is off my chest - now get that shirt off your chest.....
That was a nerdy joke for a nerd complaint.

2.  I line up in the back of the pack because I recognize that I am a slow runner.  In this particular race they had it clearly marked where to line up by your mile time.  A sign for 7 minute milers in the front...then a sign for 7.5 minute milers, etc.  These are not decorations celebrating the different times it may take to finish a mile but I guess that is what people think....or they are super dumb and believe they can walk a mile in under 10 minutes.  (which - I probably could.  I am an Olympic speed walker.) There is no reason my slow fat ass should be passing your walking body 3 blocks from the start line.  What is going on here? 

Perhaps next time I will bring a clipboard and pencil and wear one of them old time reporter hats and interview these folks.  Did you strain your quad out the gate?  Did you get a block and say "fuck it, I'm walkin'"?  Is this a protest to society and the way we are constantly discriminated against and pigeonholed by mile time?  I can't tell you how many times I have been turned down a job because a simple Google search revealed my slow running.  Curse the man!!!  Or....are you just a fucking idiot?  

The most SUPER annoying is when there is a gaggle of ladies chatting about nonsense while they push their strollers.  FOUR OF THEM IN A ROW - taking up half the road.  COME ON....why did you not start in the back? 

I don't mind passing people - it feels better to pass than to be passed, but when I am trying to pass the mom-stroller road block it is annoying....mostly because it forces me to run more.  My lazy ass wants to run 5 kilometers.  NOT 5.1 kilometers.  Out of the way.  Orale!

3.  The stinkin' announcers at these things.  Is it a joke?  They sound like parodies of radio dudes.  I run the fastest in the beginning just to get away from it.  Then I find myself running to it at the end which I do not like!  That is not welcoming!   I kinda wish the dude would be hiding with a megaphone at every turn - I would shave a good 10 minutes off my time just trying to flee from his voice and stupid adages.

4.  My favorite and a favorite of my good friend Liz:  The hydration belt.  IT IS 3.1 MILES DUDE!  What the hell?  You are not going to dehydrate in your 3 mile run...for cryin' out loud... you are a fool.  Did you mistake this for a 50k?  Only reasonable explanation.  In fact I think they should get rid of the hydration stations in the 5k, unless it is super hot.  Let's make this tiny race a real challenge!  They certainly should not be handing out Gatorade...really?  Your electrolytes have been depleted after running 1.5 miles.   Forgo the race and see a doctor.

5.  I don't have a 5, but this dude was holding a sign along the race that said "YOU ARE ALL REALLY GOOD AT EXERCISE" and that was the highlight of my race.  Hilarious!

Die Hipster Scum

I fucking hate hipsters.

This is not interesting – everyone but hipsters hate hipsters.

As in any major city we have hipsters galore in Chicago … but I am relieved that I do not live in the part of town that is super-saturated with them.   If I did my eyes would be permanently locked in the mid-eye roll position from constantly being annoyed by skinny jeans on dudes, out of season stocking caps, stupid eyeglasses, careless yet deliberate facial hair growth, brightly colored tights, and faux Zooey Deschanel quirkiness.  Stop it.  It is fake.. all fake.

I have made several analogies to hipsters over the years:

My first:
Ok – you know how at ASU a very small part of the population is Greek and basically if you are Greek you think Greek people are cool but if you are not you are like “what the fuck loser?  Way to fit into a stereotype” that is what a hipster is.  Transfer that to a large city.  That is what we are dealing with.  Now – people that played rugby at ASU? Awesome mother-fuckers.

The above really is not fair to my friends that were involved in the Greek system at ASU because they are actually cool and would never lower themselves to being hipsters so I have adjusted that.

The thing about hipsters is – they are frauds.  They are judgmental fucking frauds and they are rude and generally assholes.   Maybe this is part of their “thing” and if so – I got news – NO ONE IS IMPRESSED.

No one on planet earth likes hypocrites – which is what a hipster is.  No one likes judgmental people – which you must be to be a hipster. 

Hipsters remind me of that Cake song – Rock ‘n Roll Lifestyle.  TOTALLY describes hipsters. 

Shut your traps – I know what you are thinking – that I AM JUDGING.  Yes I am – but with license.  I am judging them for being dicks that think they are better than everyone, smarter than everyone, more in tune the world.  Yes – I am judging them because the fact is – I know more than them!  I am better and smarter than them….it is a fact and not a judgment.

Like any group in the world they think they are original when in fact they have clearly opened up a handbook on hipsterism and are adhering to it.  Sure – perhaps the fact that I dress like the norm makes me a follower – but YOU – YOU YOU FUCKING HIPSTER are going out of your way to consciously follow a path.  Sure – I am influence by what I see but the fact that I don’t consciously seek out that path makes me a bigger individual than your sorry ass follower self.

Groups like to say they ‘go against the norm’ and what not…that they will not be a follower.  But who is the follower when you are in a group that consciously decides how they will look and think?  Are we, the common people, followers?  Mmmmmmm no.  You are.  We all follow society and the norms.  We all have smart phones and have jobs and fall into our society.  Until you join a god damn Amish community – do not tell me how you are an individual because you are wearing some retro shit.  I want to see some god damn butter churned by you!  Churn me some fucking butter!

Hipsters are brainwashed.  They judge those that have not been brainwashed.  They are idiots.

So…on a scale of 1 to 10 on being a judgemental-hypocrite (10 being the most) – 10 is definitely a hipster.  NO ONE is more judgey and hypocritical. 

Evengelical – Christian – Right wingers – they register a 7 on the scale…far more tolerable people. 

Correct me if I am wrong – but I assure you, I am not.  

Hipsters!  Your time is up  - find a new identity, the rest of us are bored of the current one.