I'm just sayin'

When I was watching 30 Rock this week...

Jenna - said something to the effect of taking a "silkwood" shower.

ummmm...I made that joke months ago in my RPDSS post.

That is RIGHT...I am funnier than an Emmy winning sitcom. I called that Silkwood shit before they did.

I rule.

WT Food...

White Trash Food...what is it?

We shall explore this topic today.

It is food of poor taste - yet with a price that far exceeds the value.

You see there is a difference between being poor and being white trash.

Poor people are just poor. Where white trash is poor and, most importantly: stupid.

Say there was a big Monster Truck Rally coming up. A poor person that does not have the money will simply not go. Whereas white trash will forgo paying the mortgage to buy 7 prime seats to the event - even though it is the 9th Monster Truck Rally they have been to that year.

White Trash Food and Drink:

Pop Tarts:
Where do I begin? If White Trash had a mascot it would be the Pop Tart. If White Trash had a flag, there would be a picture of a Pop Tart on it. They cost far too much money. I suppose you could purchase an off brand - but nonetheless. The disgustingness of this delight never ends. Some kind of icing, a gooey manufactured center, and bleached white flour paste has been baked together into the land's most offensive breakfast treat. Stop eating them if you have any respect for yourself and the human race.

Grape Jelly:
Not to be confused with a jam or preserves. In reality you can insert any jelly in here but grape is the most popular and is particularly gross. I believe I had an early post on my blog about how I was served dry toast at a well known and respected breakfast establishment and all I got was grape jelly. As though that would be good enough for me. At least give me some margarine for cryin' out loud. I know I am a freak - I like pulp in my OJ. But the thing is - I like to know that actual fruit was present in the making of my fruit food. This is why JELLY is gross. What is it? Plus - UNSPREADABLE. IT just chucks out and moistens the bread. YUCK.

White Zinfandel:
This is a starter wine. It is what you drink in college, out of jug. Lord knows I have been stinkin' drunk on White Zin in my life. All those time: before my 21st year of life. It is for underage drinkers that don't know better. Once you graduate from college it MUST end. You ever wonder why a restaurant will have a list of 10 reds, 10 whites, and there is ONE white zin? Because - no one drinks it. No one drinks it because it is an embarrassment. It is not classy. Graduate to a finer wine, like Charles Shaw's Merlot...it is $3.

Velveeta Cheese:
It is not even cheese. It is solidified oil. It is cheese that sits on a shelf. Plus I believe it costs more money than gold per pound. Now - I am not sayin' it ain't DELICIOUS in a hot chili cheese dip. Lord knows that is one of the finest culinary treats known to man. But it is...white trash. The price to quality ratio makes it WT. Plus no one in their right mind eats Velveeta with out an accompaniment like a can of chili. The flavor is nasty. You need to hide that with some nice canned chili. (also not a nice flavor without the Velveeta - two wrongs do make a right in this case)

There are foods that are commonly miscatorgorized as White Trash Foods. Again - cheapness does not signify WT. If you do not understand that - you do not understand the golden rule of White Trash

Kraft Mac-n-Cheese:
This is one of the greatest treasures of America. You having a bad day? Feeling low? You make yourself a box of MnC and you are on top of the world. I like to heavily sprinkle mine with pepper. Preferably pepper out of a grinder so I get that course pepper that adds just the right amount of class. Now - I remind you I am talking the powder mix.

Now - this is not to be confused with Velveeta's Shells N Cheese with that Velveeta goo in a pouch. That stuff tastes like...well...Velveeta which is gross. Velveeta Shells and Cheese is the White Zinfandel of MnCs. People that prefer it to the powder mix are confused. They think it makes them classy. It costs a premium and they think they are getting value. No no....if you think that...then you are white trash. I don't care how much money you make.

It is childhood favorite of the 80's. Maybe it still is. I can't see myself letting my kids drink sugar water - but hey - everyone needs a quick sugar boost. I won't say I won't. However - it is age appropriate. I am not sure an adult really needs to be drinking Kool-Aid. But maybe this is some people of lower income's only access to a fruit flavored beverage. For them - I say - drink you Kool-Aid if you need. The last time I had Kool-Aid - or the generic brand was when I had dysentery in middle school. My doctor made me drink a anti-dehydration formula and to flavor it: Kool-Aid packets. This formula was obviously make at home, poor man Gatorade. But this formula suited my mother's tight purse strings. Lord knows if she was told to buy Gatorade I would have died - far too pricey. BUT...to this day - I regard lemon lime flavored Gatorade as "dysentery flavor" as that was the only flavor that tasted decent with the mix. And it tasted EXACTLY like the make-at-home Gatorade formula. You take some salt, some water, some baking soda, and a package of lemon-lime Kool-Aid mix --- you got yourself the yellow Gatorade. Yuck.

Ramen Noodles:

Cheap. For poor people. For people on a strict budget to live another day...not white trash. Don't judge. However - if you are eating this and not getting an Earned Income Credit on your taxes...please rethink your choice. It is 15 cents a package for a reason: it is crap.

Chicken Drumsticks:
What is wrong with chicken drumsticks? They are very economical and provide protein for your body. Sure it might be considered the greasiest part of the chicken - but it provides something, unlike a pop tart or grape jelly. We have become a society that shuns the drumstick. We are entitled mother-f-ers that want out boneless skinless chicken breast. Sure - it is healthier. But - The drumstick should never be overlooked for an occasional dinner. It is inexpensive, has nutritional value and is moist and tasty.

Now - I know this will enrage and offend people across this great earth. But remember - this is only my opinion. I certainly don't think you are WT if you enjoy these treats from time to time. But if all my WT foods are on you daily food intake...I might suggest there are actually far tastier and more nutritional food out there for your dollar.
So when I wheeled my 2 wheel drive 2000 Jetta out of the snow a couple weeks ago, I was reminded of one thing: Drivers Education.

Or is it Driver's Education. Is the driver owning the education? It could. Or is the Education being described as that for Drivers. It could.

I have no idea and I care not for grammar. It is a silly practice.

The important thing is that I know the difference between its and it's and their, they're, there... that is all I care about.

Anyway - I would like to send a shout out to all that had the pleasant experience of Drivers Ed with Mr. Arnold. I only had the pleasure of 'Behind The Wheel' with Mr. Arnold once. Once - for parallel parking.

I am very good at parallel parking. I can get my car into the most absurd places...then when the car leaves behind me...the color of said car is all over my bumper and sometimes on the side of my car. Whatever. They ain't good, like I good. I RULE at The P-Park. I am not too proud to brag. Perhaps I have MR. Arnold to thank. I doubt it. I just remember him flipping out and then drawing a diagram of what the tires were doing while I struggled to park in downtown Wheaton.

The reason I was reminded of DE (that is Drivers Ed, not Delaware) is because I was doing this forward - reverse - forward - reverse - forward - reverse action to get over the wall of snow.

I learned this action in simulator. Simulator. Did anyone have simulator besides those that attended G-Dub? UGH! It was by far the stupidest things know to man.

I sat in the seat in the back corner next to Mr. Arnold as he manned the projection of video circa 1967. I believe it was car 20. Let's just say it was for the sake of this story.

He would always yell at me because I was the closest target and he could see everything I did wrong. In the snow film we needed to get out of the snow. So I was forwarding and reversing my 'car' to get out. Yet...not in time with what the film was doing hence I got a 2 out of 100 score. The entire time he was screaming "Car 20 you are NEVER getting out of there. NEVER. What is going through your mind? What are you doing car 20??"

I am humored that he thought the damn simulator was an accurate evaluation of your driving skill. For those that don't know...the simulator was a room of at least 20 god damn fake drivers seat and controls and you had to drive according to whatever was going on in the outdated and retard film had going on...like 1932 to the closest current year of 1970.

I swear to God there was either a simulator film or classroom film in black and white of a man in a f-ing Model T driving down the road giving out "friendly honks" to possible collisions. So that man was driving and sending out a friendly honk every 2 seconds. "there is a car" HONK. "There is a person getting in a car" HONK. "I see someone in that car, they may open their door" HONK. "we are approaching an uncontrolled intersection" HONK. "there is a child looking out the window of his home and he might escape his home and run like lightening into the street" HONK. "I haven't honked in over 4 seconds, something must be going on" HONK

It was beyond absurd.

I also recall the most current Drivers Ed film in Glenbard West's collection of archives. It was made at whatever time Laugh In was the hit TV show. It was a bunch of drunk people go-go dancing and drinking. The message was that you can't eat or drink coffee to sober up before driving.

Anyway- my point is. I was reminded of Mr. Arnold. Screaming at me about getting out of the snow in a simulator when I was practicing the method.

You are a lucky person if you had drivers ed anywhere but GW. All films predated the Korean War, sunglasses, personal computers, dishwashers and perhaps the bayonet.