Some things...

I saw recently:

#1. The other night I was walking back from the grocer and saw a opossum. Opossums scare the crap out of me. I believe them to be aggressive, rabid and have teeth sharp as razors and as large as refrigerators. I saw it cross the road and stopped and waited for it to find itself into someone's front yard. Then I walked quicker, than my already Olympic pace walking, and I am pretty sure I heard it growl at me.

I know what outsiders may think...that we don't have wildlife in the city besides pesky squirrels and disgusting rats. We do. Coyote, bunnies galore and the occasional deer.

Besides...a opossum is just a giant rat. Or at least it looks like one.

#2 ?????

Someone/thing that could only be described as a lost Latino Elf. If only I carried my camera around for such events....I'd have a picture and you too would say: "that can only be described as a lost Latino Elf"

It was this small woman sitting atop a garbage can on Washington, dressed flamboyantly with large faux gems glued to either side of her eyes. She donned some fantastic gold winter boots. Not a fashion boot...but something one might hike through the North Pole in if they were Lead Elf. She yelled things in a jovial manner in a language I could not understand but I believed to be Spanish or a dialect of. Needless to say, it was odd. But one of the reasons I love the city.

#3 Macy's window

I planned on taking a picture of this and sending a letter to Macy's to get them to understand some things about Chicago and Chicagoans. But today I noted it was gone. Good. And let me tell you, this lady is no stranger to filing complaint letters about worthless crap that annoys her. War? Starvation? Guantanamo Bay? No no...that is not my concern. But retail outlets...don't get me started. I was publically mocked on a Phoenix radio station for my complaints. I still hate Subway because they won't take Jared off their commercials....even though I formally requested the act.

Back to heartless Macy's, it was a window display and in the background was a black and white picture of a city skyline featuring the Chrysler building.

OK....this is the issue, Macy's:

a. You fucking raped us of Marshall Field's. I is just a store. But it was an icon in Chicago. How mother-f-ing dare you, put a picture of a New York landmark in the god damn window of THE Marshall Field's Building. Let me tell you what this is like doing:

That is like your mom and dad getting divorced. Then your mom dies. Then you go to your dad's house and find he only has photos of his 'new' family and none of you and your brothers and/or sister. You are officially an a-hole. I'm not going to take some kind of stand against it. I am just saying, Macy's, you are an asshole if you think that is appropriate. Do it in Minnesota, do it California, do it anywhere else...just have the SENSE not to do that in Chicago.

b. A true Chicagoan...does not in any way, shape or form envy New York. That is the way it is. Chicago has played second fiddle to NY since it was birthed. We do not think it is better. We think we are better. So not taunt the Chicagoan with images of your beloved city, we actually love our city. We don't need your city. Someone from Dover, DE might need your city. But we...we in Chicago do not NEED your city. We have our own buildings...this is where the skyscraper was born for Christ sake and we take that shit seriously. That and putting immigrants' fingers in sausage. We are proud people.

c. Why is Chicago better? Because, on average, we are fatter. Fat people are fun. If you had the last 12 hours of your life to spend with someone...would it be a bag of bones or someone on the chubby side? Don't fool would be the chubby.

Kate Moss vs. Santa?

You want to hang out with Santa. Yes....stop thinking you don't.

When you sit down for a nice steak you don't want some skinny coked out bitch judging your every bite. NO NO NO NO NO. You want Santa. The fat bastard is going to encourage you to eat it up. Enjoy your steak and the man is going to throw back a few with you. He is unpretentious and has no where better to be. Meanwhile, Kate is checking her watch every second waiting to get the hell out of there and away from your miserable company. Don't flatter yourself. Santa is the way to go. He might be making list...but he is a fair and just man.

Santa is to Chicago as Kate Moss is to NYC.


Melyssa said...

Oh mere you are in rare form with this one... I do agree about the whole Chicago thing- there is nothing like Chicago and if I had to live in a metropolitian city it would only be Chicago....

The Santa reference was to fricken funny.... you make me laugh! Love the blog sis!

Melyssa said...

Oh when are you going to blog about pirates making a comeback????