Apparently, I am now a movie critic.

I am NOT a movie critic. AT ALL. I don't look for meaning or depth in movies. I only want to be entertained for 90 minutes...and I certainly don't like ones based on good literature (little joke for Amber and Alyssa)

Tonight I saw Juno.

The only reason I mention this is because previously I mentioned my dismay with the crap fest of a movie: "Knocked Up" --- and since both are about unwanted pregnancies - I feel the need to mention Juno.

Loved it. Maybe I have a different sense of humor the the general public. But I also know that Denmark is not the same country as The Netherlands so I like to think my humor is more advanced and more intelligent.

On a scale of funny, KU ranks a 3, J ranks a 9.

Besides the humor I think the movie ends on a good note:

a. baby goes to a fit home
b. a teen gets to lead her life
c. childish man gets live out his pathetic dream of loft living

It should be noted that at the end of Knocked Up there are scenes of a seemingly happy existence. The Disney movie, Enchanted, is more realistic than that load of bastard child crap. Yes, that is correct, I 100% believe there is a better chance of a cartoon character turned human emerging out a manhole in Time Square than some dumb bitch that lives in her sister's backyard getting knocked up by some dope smoking loser and living happily ever after in designer clothing. Call me a bitter single 30 year old or call me realistic --- the choice is yours.


I was to be dining on oysters tonight but I decided the snow would be too much of a hassle.

So ventured out to Dominick's to get myself a nice can of soup.

Soup...oysters...what is the difference?

It is dark time and the snow is falling at a pace that is not perfect but terrible. It is dry snow so it is light, not that big chunky-delicate-fall-to-the-ground, won't-you-kiss-me-on-that-midnight-street-sweep-me-off-my-feet kind of snow. (Only two people know what I speak of...but that is okay)

Anyway - there were some little kids laughing and running and sliding up and down the sidewalk. It was cute. I love the scene of a neighborhood: families, snow, christmas lights, So nice. Reminds one of being child. It just makes you smile.

THEN...enter loud obnoxious hip-hop tunes blaring out of a car. Yes...please blare your crappy music while you scream back and forth to your carmates and brush the snow off your car. FYI - if you turn down your tits and ass music you would not have to scream.

You ruined my pleasant moment. Thanks.

Crack Cocaine

This is my crack cocaine.

Today at work we played some silly Christmas gift game. My friend, sitting next to me received this as her gift.

I instructed her NOT to open in. Under no circumstances should she open the bucket. It would not be pretty.

She opened it five minutes later.

One can not just eat a few pieces. Oh no. One must eat handfuls.

I go into some kind of desperate out of control panic when I eat it:

Why can't I stop eating it?
Will there be enough?
What if this is the last bucket of Garrett's on the planet?

I try to tell myself to stop. I stop - I wipe off my filthy cheesed hands and then 2 seconds later I am diving in for more. The cycle continues. The wiping of the hands in vein - only to return to the sweet sweet lovely popcorn 1 second later.

I keep eating it and keep eating it. I can't stop. I am like an addict. Why can everyone else stop and I must keep going?

Later in the day the bucket was placed in the kitchen area.

I could not even do work, knowing my fix was just around the corner.

Several times I got up and marched in there for more. YUM!

I was eating it and looking over my shoulder to see if anyone saw me.

I was like an addict in the corner of an alley hitting the rock.

There was a very unpleasant scene in front of the American Girl Store involving me, my friend Natalie, and this popcorn not too long ago. A homeless man was so repulsed by the shoveling we were doing that he did not bother asking us for change. Imagine that.

I am not kidding. It is the crack cocaine.

Fishy Business

I have decided to purchase a fish friend when I get back from my Christmas Holiday.

I think knowing I have the task of caring for an aquatic animal that lives in a small unfiltered, yet fashionable bowl will help me focus and keep my Adult ADD in check.

What will actually happen is I will forget to feed it, never clean the bowl, and then be annoyed when it dies because I will be faced with the task of removing the body from it's living quarters.


I hate dead fish. Unless I am eating them.

Beet the Ice

I was just listening to the news and I learned the following:

A DEADLY ICE STORM is headed to Chicago.

As my friend, Megan, says: Meteorologists are alarmists. So, I have no fear.

What I fear is...The Beet Juice.

Apparently, they will utilizing not only salt but also beet juice to fight the ice on the roads.


Beet Juice?

Yes, beet juice, not to be confused with Beetlejuice, the popular 1988 film staring Michael Keaton. Which, quite frankly, I thought was a stupid movie and I hold strong on that opinion. I strongly dislike it or any other film involving shrunken heads. That is actually all I remember from the movie.

So now the streets will be beet red? Like the streets are running with blood. It will be Biblical. I can't wait until an area Catholic finds Mary in the smearings of beet juice somewhere. A shrine will be built. I look forward to it.

Anyway - I hope they don't go down Webster Avenue with some ice/beet juice truck. That will NOT look cool on my white car. I actually don't care if my car has a beet juice splatterings. The problem is I only get the car cleaned twice per year so that beet juice will be there until March or April and which point...I am not sure it will be removable.

However...if I am getting beet juiced and if Mary chooses to reveal herself...I can only hope it will be on my driver's side passenger door. I would enjoy coming out to my car to find flowers, candles burning, and of course - don't forget the money my sweet Catholic friends.