Survival Guide, Part I

How not to get raped, mugged or your car broken into...

1. Mugged:

It is easy. Look poor.

I was coming home from the airport and my cheap self did not feel the need to purchase a cab. So instead I took the L, got off at Montrose and waited for the bus. The Montrose/90/94 area does not appear to be the best location on earth in terms of safety. But I am willing to risk it to save a dime. This dime is only to be saved during hours of light. You will not find me standing there at dark time.

Nonetheless...I quickly spotted a thug. He wandered in and out of the L entrance. I kept an eye on him. On his 3rd trip out to the open air I noted he pulled out an IPhone.

To keep my self safe I immediately pulled out my crappy flip phone circa 2004.

What this says to a would-be-mugger is: "I have nothing to offer you. I am poor. There is nothing in this bag but debt, a five dollar bill, a bottle of water and a crappy library book." Now...if you are a high roller and have a fancy SmartPhone or IPhone or what have you...I suggest you keep your crappy old phone with you and pull that out when you feel threatened in any manner.

2. Raped and mugged for that matter.

A lit cigarette. This is as good as wielding a knife or having a gun strapped to your hip. Let's be honest, even if you had some pepper spray, you would have to dig it out of your pocket or bag. Plus the type of pepper spray legal in most states is no good. You need to get yourself some good stuff. The kind only legal in Arizona, Texas, Wyoming and Idaho. If it is legal in states that are still the wild west or hate gays and blacks...it is GOOD STUFF. Cause those people are nuts. However, a lit cigarette is a mini flaming torch. No one likes to be burned...in the eyeball. Even if you don't smoke always carry around a pack of cigarettes and a lighter if you expect to be traveling on foot during dark hours.

side story:

Once I was being verbally assaulted by a man in a giant truck (of course). I was in my tiny Mitsubishi Eclipse. I was simply informing him that he was traveling on the wrong side of the lane in a parking lot. When the argument reached its pinnacle I was luckily armed with a cigarette and proceeded to extinguish it on his forearm. I take satisfaction in knowing this man still has a scar from this incident. When people ask him "What is that?" he may claim he was burned by a crazy bitch. But in reality we all know he was burned by a clever, delightful and perhaps cunning woman of sound mind that was reacting to his unnecessary verbal abuse.

3.Car Broken into:

Make your car look like a piece of junk.

For me this is easy. I have my side view mirror taped on. Once I was going to get this fixed. However, due to the electronic nature of the car's appendage...it is $800 to get fixed. Ummm...no. Instead it is taped on and looks great. Great because no one thinks the car could possibly hold anything of interest or value. I could leave an open bag of high dollar street drugs on the back seat...no one is going to get in there.

An added layer of safety is the tape deck. Yes...my 2000 Jetta has a tape deck. People may laugh at this useless antiquated devise BUT...guess what. The 'ol CD player converter works with the IPod. YEAH! I saw that passing CD trend coming. That CD with no means of transferring to IPod convertibility. Not really. I was just to cheap to get the tape deck upgraded. Sometimes being a cheap bastard pays off. Plus - when you have two tapes still: Neil Diamond and Social Distortion....what more does one really need in times of trouble?

So...just throw some tape on your side view mirror and enlarge and print this photo of a tape deck and just tape it on over your fancy after factory sound devise and you are set.

I know best....follow my rules for survival.