Natural Disasters

People are braced in the northeast for Sandy.

People are being told to evacuate.

They closed down the stock market...that is some serious business.

So please - evacuate and take care.

People are insane when it comes to natural disasters.  They want to ride shit out and protect their property.  WHAT? 

When I lived in Arizona and we had insane fires all over the state people would refuse to evacuate - they wanted to stand their ground.  DUDE - it is an insane ravaging fire...not a calvary of Indians on horseback.  You can't reason with a fire.  You can't wave a gun around and scare it off.  So - just get the fuck out before you die.  The fire shall take you.  Do you want to go the way of Bambi's mom?

I am passionate for taking proper precautions... but I am a hypocrite.

I have felt an earthquake three times in my life, all times while laying in bed and just couldn't be bothered to take any sort of action.  I just laid there....shakin'

When I was watching TV one night a tornado siren went off and I was annoyed.  It took me ten minutes to get off the couch.  The only thing I did was put some pants on.   I don't like wearing pants sometimes...ok.   I figured if I was going to be tossed a couple miles via wind I should at least have the decency to be wearing pants.  Then...I got in my car and drove to Target.  Yup - took that seriously.

When the blizzard struck Chicago - I walked myself down to the local bar.  Staying indoors was not something I took seriously.

I HATED having building fire drills when I worked downtown.  UGH!  I got better things to do than skip down all those stairs and stand outside for a period of time.  PLUS - I am big.  I don't need a fucking drill.  If shit goes down and I need to get the fuck out of somewhere I will knock down the small and weak to save myself.  I have NO problem admitting this.  Drills are for the little people and they shouldn't be drills to exit the building.  They should be drills on how to defend yourself from the giant people of Northern European decent that will come barreling down the stairwell and toss you aside. 

Really we have all become desensitized to tornado sirens and drills and warnings.  The weathermen are typically such alarmists that we don't think much of these warnings. 

But I guess when the TODAY show is telling you to purchase kitty litter to poop in and the President is telling you to listen to local should take action.  I am not sure what I would do in that situation....probably go to Target or a bar. 

Things I Hate - Sunglass Edition

Hate is a strong word.  I use it freely and unnecessarily.  It is bad.

My friend, Cara, suggested I make a blog of things I hate.  This could be reoccuring as I am a hater.
This focuses on the inappropriate use of sunglasses:

1.  Sunglasses Indoors:
Stop it.  You are a jag.  Two choices:
  A.   You want to look like some celebrity- this makes you a jag or Italian, most likely both:

  B.   You are a celebrity trying to go unnoticed:  REALLY?  You may as well be wearing a giant hat that says "I am a fucking celebrity!  Look at me....but don't notice me".  Fool:

2.  Strangers that try to talk to me while sunglassed:

  I actively ignore these people.  Ask my friend Kelly - I did it with her present once.  Take off the glasses and look at me with your eyeballs.  If you don't, I do not know if you are actually trying to communicate with me. You could be talking on a Bluetooth, criminally insane, or wanting to rob me or splash acid in my face while protecting your identity. is fucking rude.
You want to know how to get to The Bean from here?  I am sorry sir, if you remove your sunglasses I would know you are talking to me and not Siri.  I will be more than willing to help once you have indicated you are talking to a human.  That involves eye contact.  

3. Sunglasses and a baseball hat:

  One or the other dude.  It looks silly otherwise.  The purpose of the baseball hat style is to provide your eyes shade from the sun.  Wearing both at once - well that is like me skipping through the rain with an umbrella while wearing a wetsuit. This double protection is not needed unless you are robbing a bank.
  Double offense for wearing a baseball hat backwards with sunglasses.  Biggest douche look on the planet.  Or you went ahead and went Greek during college and took the whole "it isn't 4 years, it is 4 life" WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.
4.   Anyone thinking I would purchase sunglasses that cost more than $9.99

  I lose sunglasses like it is my job.  Just lost a pair last week.  It is my talent.
5.  The intentional sunglass tan:

  Oh look!  You are so outdoorsy!  Were you being active outdoors all weekend?  Fuck you.  Put some sunscreen on your god damn face and you wouldn't look like a tool.  Oddly you think this makes you look cool.  You are wrong. 

NATO melee II

I can't stop, these images are fantastic...

I really hope these guys were not protesting anything to do with capitalism.  HE IS WEARING an Abercrombie & Fitch shit.  For fuck sake dude....get it together.

WHAT are you doing?  Chicago is full of beautiful parks.  Why would you get all zen in the middle of a street?  You are stupid.  AND what..what?  The police are telling you to move and you won't?  It is typically never a good idea to sit in some meditation position in the middle of a street.  You would be told to move along regardless of NATO or crowd control measures.  The point you are trying to make is asinine.  I hope that club met your head after this was taken.

Sir - you are donning denim overalls and a Pokemon backpack....this may be why you were detained.
This is the Chicago PD rain gear?  Seems....odd.
For real....why are these people wielding thin plywood sticks?  A paint stirrer would be more effective.  Really?  You couldn't stop at Home Depot or The Crafty Beaver to pick up a real piece of wood?  You are so lazy you just went to the Blick Art Store on State Street.  If you are really going to assault a police officer and deal with the charges....make it count!

This was the scene in my neighborhood as protestors walked to the Mayor's home.  Hey - guys - he is probably not home....just sayin'....

Horses are large.  Don't mess with horses.  What are these people doing?  Not sane.
These folks are probably protesting the battle of Fort Dearborn.  IT IS OVER.  It was 200 years ago.  LET IT GO.  Some Indians died.  Get over it.

Seriously...why are you dressed like that?
The Amish are being arrested?  Perhaps this has gone too far....

NATO melee

I don't care if people protest. I just think it is an odd thing to do when you could spend your time in a more productive manner. In particular, I do not enjoy protestors that can't just follow the rules, listen to police, and be peaceful about it. If you get all rowdy and you are shoving policeman in riot gear, throwing bricks at them, and hitting them with some stick you bought at a craft store - why is it is a surprise you have been bloodied by a billy club? If you do not like government or the police then PLEASE - off the grid somewhere. Refrain from living in a major metropolitan area where normal citizen appreciate order. off the land deep in some forest in Montana, dig a well for water, buy some solar panels for electricity and some guns, and eat squirrel. Is someone stopping you? My favorite pics from NATO:
Yes. I have no idea why the streets were so heavily lined with police. You people are like wild animals or drunk toddlers. You can't stay where you are permitted so you must move blockades. What are you proving besides the fact that you are not fully evolved? I am sure the police of Chicago were SUPER thrilled to go through training to deal with your breed and most likely worked overtime, taking away from their free time because YOU have the free time to run wild and be destructive.
You tried to storm the Art Institute. Yes they were having some dinner in there. What would you have done if you got in there? Probably destroy priceless pieces of art because you are a classless barbarian. Yes - YOU SHOW those French Impressionists what you think of ... NATO! ( is this related?) broke a stick over a policeman's head. You are brilliant. Please - be outraged that you got the beat down for that.
When I want to understand where people are coming from and learn something...I ALWAYS have the most respect for those dressed like freaks.
Oh my god....I had NO IDEA that Rahm invented NATO. The chaos? Yes he is responsible because you have no control of your actions or your body. You are just a puppet. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? You should get kicked in the face for being stupid.
Once again....I am sure nothing brought the police more joy than being in Kevlar and full riot gear....when it is 90 degrees out. Let us also be aware the evil police provided a/c buses and water to the protestors.
You dumb bitch...WHAT ARE YOU DOING???? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? There is just more police and police on horses on the other side of all the police. What is your purpose? Are you high? Do you think this is an elaborate game of Red Rover? Let's say you break through....then what? What have you proved? OH then you are arrested and all mad. Great....YOU SHOULD BE ARRESTED. You were told over and over and over to GO HOME and you didn't. There is nothing over there for you. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
OK fine - you are handing in your military honors and apparently you believe you were 'duped' into participating in the war. HOLD UP UNEDUCATED DUMMIES...ummmmmmmm....was there a draft? NO. YOU WILLING signed up for the military. No one made you. These wars have been going on for a LONG time. You were aware of them. So when you signed knew you would probably go over there. Stop being silly. You can't run around playing the conscientious objector card. This is not the 60's or 70's, this is not Vietnam. Speaking of that....
YOU MAKE ME SICK. STOP trying to recreate some iconic image from the 60's. THIS IS NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING. Your originality is piss poor. You are so lame. You are not, nor will you ever be part of some kind of TIME picture of the century. You are an idiot. Good job picking a weed and trying to be symbolic and failing.
In closing, luckily this is America and if one thing can bring police and protestors is fast food.

"I Can't Cook..."

Many things annoy me in life and the statement "I can't cook" is one of them. I believe this was birthed out of the Sex & The City era. "OH LOOK AT ME! I am a dumb bitch! I love $700 shoes and have no idea how to cook! I am so sophisticated, yet adorable!!!!" NO NO NO NO NO
Dumb bitches took this TV program way too literally. If you, as a person, are so simple that you could be easily described as a character in a TV are lame. If you aspire to BE THAT character, you should be in a mental hospital. decided that not being able to cook is some ADORABLE quality - YET you are a powerful, successful professinal woman!!! You are a FEMINIST! NO! YOU, my friend, are an idiot. Do you want to know what successful woman is a FUCKING genius? Love her or hate her. There is NO denying it: Martha Stewart.
She was a model as a teen, became a stockbroker, THEN created an fucking empire based on doing shit any self respecting woman should innately know how to do. THAT, my friends, is a role model. You can take your fake characters from an HBO series that you model your life after and shove that up your ass. Martha Stewart? You don't have to like her. But she is incredible and REAL!!! Back to cooking: This is how you cook something: take item wanting to be cooked and expose it to a source of heat. Fire, oven, microwave, radiator, car engine, dishwasher on heated dry. That is how something is cooked.
Now - I get that people say "I can't cook" and really mean "I don't want to cook" "I don't like to cook" "I care not to learn something new that is typically needed for survival on earth". When I say cook, I mean ANYTHING. I am not suggesting some novice cook open up a gourmet cookbook and make it happen. No no. Like anything in life you need to practice and work up to more difficult things. When one learns to play the piano they aren't handed some complicated piece and told to learn it. NO. They learn how to play Mary Had A Little Lamb and move forward. No one hands Anna Karenina over to a 7 year old to read. Once a child learns addition they don't move on to calculus. So - that is the thing. There are a zillion simple recipes in this world. Start there and move on. Realize something about me: I am not taken care of, nor have I been in a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. There may be a bit of jealousy in my outrage. More - it is my annoyance for idiots which we will get to later. Maybe I am jealous. I wish I had one less task on my plate. But I have taken care of myself forever. Some people have this luxury of going from mama and dada to college to living with a significant other and...cut. Scene. Done. Never actually had to take care of themselves.
I do everything. I take out the fucking garbage, I clean, I make the money, I pay the bills, I make meals, I do the taxes, I take care of ALL car issues (maintenance, oil change, city sticker, plate renewal, tire change, battery change), I replace belts on vacuum cleaners, I can haul a 150 pound air conditioner up 3 flights of stairs, I hang shelves, I get to and from airports, I unclog drains, I drive myself to the emergency room, I attach DVD players to TVs, I walk alone at night, I fix computers, I can navigate around my city, I relight pilot lights, I can put a 9 foot long orange coach in a Ford Explorer and drive it to a storage unit while steering with one hand and holding onto the couch with the other, I change light bulbs, I refill the ink on the printer, I do all the grocery shopping, I can miss a flight in a foreign land and rebook it ALL BY MYSELF. AMAZING! NO NO NO Not amazing. I am a human. These are the cards I was dealt and I figure it out. I am an able bodied human. I have a brain. When you have these can in fact do all normal life maintenance. is annoying when one claims they "can't cook". Most that say they 'can't cook' have not or do not actively do 90% of the above list. So figure it the fuck out. Unless you are handicapped, illiterate, or so dumb you can not follow directions....there is no reason you 'can't cook'. You just don't want to or have to. WHICH is awesome. Just don't say you 'can not' do it. You are spoiled, admit it. There are undoubtedly people that can't cook or have trouble cooking or just shouldn't cook: These guys:
No. I just don't want to eat meat from a rabid raccoon you found dead on the side of the road. This lady:
BUT...I bet she does cook. I would put money on it. She cooks up a storm. The person attached to this:
A little difficult, but again, they probably make more of an effort than those that "can't cook" This dude:
I would say he CAN NOT cook. BUT DON'T YOU DARE compare yourself to that. Your lack of cooking is purely laziness and an unwilling to learn and enrich your life. YOU ARE NOT A crippled genius. Don't fool yourself. This friend:
Calm down. I am not saying those with mental disabilities CAN'T cook. I am just saying...perhaps they should be supervised around an open flame. Microwave? Totally cool. IN fact...I bet many mentally challenged people enjoy cooking and would like to do more. So....what does that say about those able minded that 'can't cook'????

Masters of Inefficiency

Nothing is more annoying to me than witnessing inefficiency.

In particular when it is interfering with my precious God-damn time. My time is actually not that precious. I JUST CAN'T STAND watching someone act like a fool. It just annoys me. I can't figure out what goes through their heads. It is like watching an adult eat a crayon or drink bleach. Why? Why would you do that? I don't get it.

For instance: when I buy alcohol and the person asks for my ID. IF ANYONE knows me they know I CAN NEVER find my freakin' ID. So I start fumbling through my wallet. I have an idea - while I am doing that, kindly bag up the beer. We both know you are only asking for it for legal reasons. LOOK AT ME! Yes - I have been blessed with amazing skin HOWEVER - we all know I am NOT under 21. Bag the beer while I look for the ID. Note the wrinkles in the billboard of a forehead I have.

I decided to video the most extreme case of inefficiency I have ever seen in my life.

The things that annoy me:

1. She is in the self check-out. She does not belong there. She is slow and has a lot of items.

2. LOOK AT IT! WATCH! She is moving items from her stupid personal cart to the counter/shelf. Then from the little counter/shelf she scans the item and places it in the bagging area..but not in a bag. I guess step three was placing them in a bag....

What in the holy hell? Why not remove the item from your cart, scan it, place in bag in one movement.

3. Something falls off the side and she takes the time to retrieve it....VERY carefully. The careful nature in the pick-up is disturbing. She handles it as though it has a spinal cord injury. REALLY? REALLY? Why not just leave it there till you bag? All you are doing is putting it in your bizarre bagging area. Why not just leave it there until you put it in an actual bag.

4. Please note the way she lifts the single roll of paper towels from the cart. She used two hands, it was a slow movement and involved a slight bend at the knee. IT IS A ROLL OF PAPER TOWELS! It is NOT an anvil.

5. I am an asshole...ok. I admit it. This annoyed me. FINE FINE...maybe she has some issue. Perhaps an old injury. If that is the case...why be in the self check-out?

6. SHE was not running around saving the earth...she bagged that shit later. So don't be thinking she had the items on deck to place in her stupid cart.

Video is below.

Mere on Current Events

The Murder of Trayvon Martin

This is disturbing. No one is allowed the authority to act as police on the streets. Everyone should be outraged by this.

There is only one thing anyone needs to know about this and that is the 911 call that child murderer, George Zimmerman made. He was told to stop pursuing him. He did not. Apparently there was a scuffle and George Zimmerman, murdered this boy.

I typically use my blog for humor. But - this is outrageous.

George Zimmerman murdered a minor and was not put in jail immediately?

I think he is in jail now. Maybe not. I don't really have a clear understanding.

Dude best be in jail. He is clearly a threat as his judgement is in crazytown.

Then I saw that Geraldo Rivera was blaming the fact that Trayvon was wearing a hoodie was the reason for the murder.

Couple things:
1. This is the same reasoning that says when a girl is drunk, she may be legally raped.
2. Well...let's outlaw hoodies. WHAT? NO. That will send Old Navy into bankruptcy and hence the second financial crisis of the world.

I have a crazy idea: how about...MANIACS CAN'T HAVE GUNS!!!!

Seems easier to control gun sales than hoodie sales.

I don't get why people need guns, but hey - if that makes you feel better - that is your right and that is cool.

BUT - you lost that right when you are fucking maniac. Do you hate gays? Do you hate doctors that preform abortions? Do you hate people outside your race? Do you think a black minor with a bag of Skittles is a threat to you that you must murder? If you answered yes to any of those things...your 'rights' to a gun are done.

Hoodies, on the other hand, buy as many as you want.