Crazy People Love Me.

Crazy people love me. Mind my business and they find me. There is little I can do about this. I don't seek these people out. They come to me.

I was sitting on a bench waiting for a train, doing a crossword when a 50 year old black man sat down and began a conversation. A conversation that was uncomfortable and I did not ask for. It was really a one sided conversation because I wasn't sure how to react to it.

After making some kind of opening pleasantry about the day or the weather or something of that nature, he said "You know, my neighborhood on the southeast side is just disgusting. Black people are filthy disgusting animals that do nothing but kill each other like dogs. You can't walk down the street, kids can't go to school, all the mothers are crack addicts" we gooooooooooooooo.

How exactly is a white person to respond to this? I certainly wasn't going to argue, it is terrible that people live in these conditions. But, since I am white, it is not my place to say anything. I just smile and nod.

"you know what those black people say? They say 'look at the Mexicans and Puerto Ricans', you know what I say? They are hard working people. They might be in gangs but they are not filthy drug addicts like all the damn black people"


He went on...and on "and white people? I never seen in my life a bad white neighborhood. Black people act like white people are a problem. I say to them, white people are not afraid of their own neighborhoods. But, you know, white people are crazy too, don't get me wrong. They are crazy in their own way. They have Republicans trying to make some Tea Party. White people got nothing better to do than make a Tea Party? Go have a tea party. Why are they making a Tea Party? Stupid white people"

That...humored me. But still I wished my train would arrive.

On he went "you know, the only thing that makes someone filthy and disgusting is laziness. Black people are lazy. Lazy is what makes you filthy."

Then a train on the opposite platform arrived and a group of black people got off....

He pointed them out: "you see that, that is another thing about black people, they gotta travel in packs. Packs of lazy drug addicts. Just roaming the streets. I guarantee you they are all on the food stamps and the section 8 housing. Oh yeah, they all got their LINK cards, guarantee you that. Lazy killing dogs."

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE??? This black man is shit talking his race like a member of the Klan. I don't understand what I am supposed to do. Doesn't he know only white people are allowed to shit talk their own kind in front of other races??? It is the golden rule of race relations. Only whites can hate on their race in the presence of other races.

This made me think about all the times I have had encounters with people like this. Why is it me? Always me? I have strange encounters with people. It could be anything: a conversation like this, a verbal assault on my whiteness, just something I was present for. I started to tally up the races involved.

-Bizarre situation when Bank One Ballpark was being built and this crazy man that I presume was homeless.
-The free spirited man in Mexico (presumably hiding from U.S. law) that was clearly not right and then lit up a joint on the Sea of Cortez while Mexican Police boats were all around.
-The homeless woman that would spit on me and put some kind of curse on me in Latvian.

-The man at the DMV that asked me if me or any of my friends were interested in having sex with a black man.
-The cracked out woman that was stalking me at Safeway and calling me a white bitch.
-The kid that threw a fruit flavored chew at me and called me a white bitch
-The man screaming "suck my dick" at the drive thru liquor store

Native Americans:
-The man at the Walgreens that was roaming up and down the line of white people screaming and getting in our faces about how the red man is diabetic because of the white man. I'm not sure why in the 30 minutes this was going on the police were not called. I was convinced I would be scalped if I made eye contact as did everyone else.

-The girl that got in my face while I was walking into a Mexican grocery store and said: what do you think you are doing here you white bitch.

I can conclude four things from this:

1. I am a white bitch
2. Whites and blacks are insane
3. Asians don't tend to mess with giant white girls
4. Crazy people LOVE me

I thought about all this and my train was still not there. My new friend was going on and on and on. The conversation turned to me. He asked if I ever played a sport. I said I did. He asked what sport and I said rugby.

He went on to say " can tell. You are all thick"

This is what I love to hear.

Then he said "you must have several men fighting over you"

This is where he didn't understand white men. No white man wants a 'thick' girl. I told him he was wrong. He went on to tell me that he has never been married nor did he ever father a child, this was what he had in common.

That is where the conversation turned from typical oddness to complete insanity as it always does when you are dealing with a maniac. This is the point I love in these conversations. Just when you thought it couldn't get more does.

He said "you know, you gotta get the sex sometimes. In my neighborhood I will buy the ladies a ten dollar rock. I have them come over to my place, but I'll never learn they are just crack addicts because they steal my toilet paper and hot sauce. I buy them rock and they steal my toilet paper and hot sauce, ain't worth it!"

Dear. God. What. The. Hell.

He goes on "you know, all black people have hot sauce. Black people love sauce, but only certain brands, the kind from Louisiana"

At this point my train was approaching. He said "This must be your train, the brown line. There is no way you'd be on the Harlem green"

I got up and told him it was nice meeting him. I am polite. There you have it. Another chapter in my book of insane people that love talking to me.

Ya get whacha don't pay for

Meredyth fun fact #287: I love coupons.

There is a big difference between someone that thinks they are a good shopper and someone that is in fact so wicked awesome at it, the store pays them to walk out the door with their retail goods.

On some occasions, I am the later.

I am pretty good at getting toothpaste for free or a couple dimes, same with shampoo. Typically your Dove, Pantene and Herbal Essence can be purchased for well under fifty cents per bottle if you play your cards or rather your coupons right. And yes...this drug store shampoo is good enough for me.

There is a certain instance that I call The Trifecta of Savings:

#1 Product on sale at Target
#2 Manufacturer coupon
#3 Target coupon

BAM: That crap is nearly free. I love it. I live for this. Nothing brings me more joy.

Most recently I was in the possession of:
#1 $5 off coupon for a product known as "Scrubbing Bubbles Extend-a-Spray with Continuous Sprayer-r-r-r" No really...that triple r attack on the end of the word sprayer is actually on the bottle. Obviously the work of a genius marketing executive, nothing makes you want to purchase a product more than a bunch of r's.
#2 Target coupon for a free $5 gift card if I purchased this particular product.

SCORE! Target paid me over one dollar to march right on out of their establishment with it! I knew NOTHING about this product but since they were paying me, why not take it and clean my bathroom with it.

So I used it today and I have concluded the following:

First, this whole business where it allegedly continues to clean for four days is absolute bullocks. If you believe that, you are out of your skull. Let's be honest, we all know they only thing that is going to continue to clean anything without your effort is an underpaid immigrant with out of date papers that doesn't speak English.

But more importantly, this 'continuous sprayer-r-r-r' is what disturbed me.
a. It uses 2 AA batteries. You are not allowed to employee battery power unless the product is actually going to do the scrubbing. And no...I do not believe as the commercials insist, the bubbles in Scrubbing Bubbles products have tiny little brushes that do the scrubbing. Absurd.
b. What does happen by battery power is this: You hold the trigger down and it continues to spray as though you were pumping the trigger. Yes, ladies and gentleman - gone are the tireless days where you are forced clench, release, clench, release to dispense your product. IT IS CALLED AN AEROSOL CAN! And an aerosol can does have the added expense of batteries. (please no environment comments here for obvious reasons)
c. What in God's name caused someone to invent this? Was there a need? NO. NO there certainly was not. I refuse to believe there was. Nope. Negative. Since we do in fact have aerosol cleaners, what Johnson Company did was reinvent the wheel, a more expensive, more complicated wheel with more parts.

According to their website this product will make cleaning more simple and more manageable. WHAT ARE THEY TAKING ABOUT?
THE GOD DAMN EASIEST PART OF CLEANING IS SQUEEZING THE TRIGGER on the non-aerosol cleaning product of your choice. The hard part is finding the motivation to clean, getting on your knees to clean, reaching to clean, the removal of all items in your bathroom and the putting back to clean, the scrubbing involved. These are the hard parts. NOT SQUEEZING THE TRIGGER.

No one sits around and thinks: 'I would totally clean this bathroom if only I did not have to be bothered with the burden of a squeezing the trigger on my bathroom cleaner. If only, if only there was a product that made that part of cleaning simpler. I am exhausted just thinking about the calories I will burn doing all that clenching and releasing of my right hand."

Congratulations Johnson Company. You have simplified the effortless portion of the cleaning process. I can only hope there is some type of award for this type of brilliance in innovation.

It is clear to me why I was paid take this off the shelves of Target.

I pity the fool that pays any amount for this.