Perhaps the End of the Squirrel Era

Yesterday evening I went to leave my apartment - via squirrel area.

I heard his cackling scream...similar to the laugh of the devil himself from the depths of hell.

I closed the door, hung my defeated head and left out the front door.

Damn it. IT IS running my life.

This morning I left out the back door and I noticed something suspicious at some one's back door...a cardboard box with towels draped on it.

I have seen movies.

When people rescue injured birds or other woodland creatures - there is always a cardboard box and towels to make it comfortable.

I am led to believe someone has set up a nice bed for this beast. That is not right. People are crazy.

Oh well - let's invite in the rats. Why stop there? Let's get some opossums and pigeons. Let's make this the Ritz for disease carrying animals.

Now, this could just be me jumping to conclusions. I noted the box was gone when I returned home. I have not seen the squirrel again, but I continue to live in fear.

This evening I finally got my BB from my car. I looked like a common criminal: Opened up my trunk. Looked over both shoulders. Opened my secret compartment. Again, looked over both shoulders...took out my BB - looked at it - and shoved it in my bag along with my carton of 6,000 Copperhead BBs (there is probably 5,758 left).

I feel like I am living on the edge. Like, I am bad ass. Me and my BB. I think it is the fact that the BB is illegal. I am an outlaw. I have an illegal item in my home now and I enjoy it. I am thinking of getting a antique display case for it as though it is a relic from the civil plastic BB gun. Come on - it would be so funny.

I am not even going to go into how absurd it is that BB guns are illegal in this city. I have a right to protect myself against a possibly rabid terrorizing furry tailed tree rat. For all I know - it is working with the Al Qaeda.

I am hoping they have that program this summer where you turn in your gun for $100 Best Buy gift card. I ain't no fool. Then - I am having someone from the burbs get me a proper CO2 BB. YEAH!!!! Then I'll be HARD CORE. Then I will be a squirrel killing machine!

I was going to post a picture of me and my BB. Perhaps with some kind of American flag and the Confederate Flag...perhaps set in a library. Maybe I could have the Bible in one hand, gun in the other. Then I realized - for one thing I don't have access to any of these props and.....people just don't have a sense of humor. But really - it would be funny.

*this post is in jest I house no illegal arms

1 comment:

Muffin Cake said...

This is THE FUNNIEST saga ever. EVER!!!

Did I ever tell you about the time I attempted to run from a carpenter bee, tripped, and ripped by knee open? Yeah...the damn bee didn't even notice me.