This weekend I had to make cupcakes for a baby shower. I am not going to go into the cupcakes...just my complete insanity that goes along with them...
I hated how they turned out. I freaked out. I was going to throw them away and buy a cake at the local grocer.
This is how crazy I am. It is a shame I don't care this much about say...loosing 30 pounds and keeping my home tidy and flossing my teeth. Instead...I focus all my insanity of perfection on baked goods.
Which is worthless to myself and society in general.
Later I realized they were awesome and I was a fool for thinking otherwise.
Why do I care this much about my baked goods?
Because I like it when people are impressed. I like it when people swoon over my artfully decorated items.
"YOU made these?" they proclaim!
And I modestly say "Yes, yes I did"
"Oh it must have taken hours and hours!!!"
"Oh...no...no that long, it was nothing" I lie out my ass. In reality I was sweating over them...literally. If you ever taste one of my highly decorated cookies and something is slightly salty- that is probably a drop of my sweat.
This is what I live for. This flattery.
But every time this flattery occurs...my low self worth side creeps in and whispers to me: "They are just saying that because it is clear you made an effort and they don't want to hurt your feelings. They knew it took you 900 hours and they don't want you to feel bad. They are sparing your feelings. You are like a 31 year old mentally challenged girl that made macaroni necklaces for everyone at the group home. Everyone is saying they love them - when in reality you are just a sad, sad case with the mentality of a five year old"
This is all part of my crazy behavior.
Why do I do this? Why do I put myself through the insanity it often brings me? Because I like to make things special and I think that if I do this people will know I care. But maybe they just wanted a cake from the local grocer...too bad. When I am in charge - no one gets a cake from the local grocer. You will get my sweat laced baked goods and you can have the pleasure of knowing I went a little more insane in the process.
2 comments:
Oh my god. We are meant to be lovers. I swear it. I am the SAME way.
I once made this intricate cheesecake complete with cherry port wine sauce. Took HOURS to make it all perfect. When the compliments flowed in, I laughed them off, but really I loved them.
That's why I pushed Jacob into baking. So I could take luscious baked goods to my work potluck and take all the compliments for my husband's work.
The other day our friends came over and Jacob made chocolate-filled eclairs, shaped like swans. When my friends complimented them, I felt as though I had earned the accolades myself. It was awesome.
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