"I Can't Cook..."

Many things annoy me in life and the statement "I can't cook" is one of them. I believe this was birthed out of the Sex & The City era. "OH LOOK AT ME! I am a dumb bitch! I love $700 shoes and have no idea how to cook! I am so sophisticated, yet adorable!!!!" NO NO NO NO NO

Dumb bitches took this TV program way too literally. If you, as a person, are so simple that you could be easily described as a character in a TV show....you are lame. If you aspire to BE THAT character, you should be in a mental hospital. So...you decided that not being able to cook is some ADORABLE quality - YET you are a powerful, successful professinal woman!!! You are a FEMINIST! NO! YOU, my friend, are an idiot. Do you want to know what successful woman is a FUCKING genius? Love her or hate her. There is NO denying it: Martha Stewart.

She was a model as a teen, became a stockbroker, THEN created an fucking empire based on doing shit any self respecting woman should innately know how to do. THAT, my friends, is a role model. You can take your fake characters from an HBO series that you model your life after and shove that up your ass. Martha Stewart? You don't have to like her. But she is incredible and REAL!!! Back to cooking: This is how you cook something: take item wanting to be cooked and expose it to a source of heat. Fire, oven, microwave, radiator, car engine, dishwasher on heated dry. That is how something is cooked.

Now - I get that people say "I can't cook" and really mean "I don't want to cook" "I don't like to cook" "I care not to learn something new that is typically needed for survival on earth". When I say cook, I mean ANYTHING. I am not suggesting some novice cook open up a gourmet cookbook and make it happen. No no. Like anything in life you need to practice and work up to more difficult things. When one learns to play the piano they aren't handed some complicated piece and told to learn it. NO. They learn how to play Mary Had A Little Lamb and move forward. No one hands Anna Karenina over to a 7 year old to read. Once a child learns addition they don't move on to calculus. So - that is the thing. There are a zillion simple recipes in this world. Start there and move on. Realize something about me: I am not taken care of, nor have I been in a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. There may be a bit of jealousy in my outrage. More - it is my annoyance for idiots which we will get to later. Maybe I am jealous. I wish I had one less task on my plate. But I have taken care of myself forever. Some people have this luxury of going from mama and dada to college to living with a significant other and...cut. Scene. Done. Never actually had to take care of themselves.

I do everything. I take out the fucking garbage, I clean, I make the money, I pay the bills, I make meals, I do the taxes, I take care of ALL car issues (maintenance, oil change, city sticker, plate renewal, tire change, battery change), I replace belts on vacuum cleaners, I can haul a 150 pound air conditioner up 3 flights of stairs, I hang shelves, I get to and from airports, I unclog drains, I drive myself to the emergency room, I attach DVD players to TVs, I walk alone at night, I fix computers, I can navigate around my city, I relight pilot lights, I can put a 9 foot long orange coach in a Ford Explorer and drive it to a storage unit while steering with one hand and holding onto the couch with the other, I change light bulbs, I refill the ink on the printer, I do all the grocery shopping, I can miss a flight in a foreign land and rebook it ALL BY MYSELF. AMAZING! NO NO NO Not amazing. I am a human. These are the cards I was dealt and I figure it out. I am an able bodied human. I have a brain. When you have these things....you can in fact do all normal life maintenance. Soooo...it is annoying when one claims they "can't cook". Most that say they 'can't cook' have not or do not actively do 90% of the above list. So figure it the fuck out. Unless you are handicapped, illiterate, or so dumb you can not follow directions....there is no reason you 'can't cook'. You just don't want to or have to. WHICH is awesome. Just don't say you 'can not' do it. You are spoiled, admit it. There are undoubtedly people that can't cook or have trouble cooking or just shouldn't cook: These guys:

No. I just don't want to eat meat from a rabid raccoon you found dead on the side of the road. This lady:

BUT...I bet she does cook. I would put money on it. She cooks up a storm. The person attached to this:

A little difficult, but again, they probably make more of an effort than those that "can't cook" This dude:

I would say he CAN NOT cook. BUT DON'T YOU DARE compare yourself to that. Your lack of cooking is purely laziness and an unwilling to learn and enrich your life. YOU ARE NOT A crippled genius. Don't fool yourself. This friend:

Calm down. I am not saying those with mental disabilities CAN'T cook. I am just saying...perhaps they should be supervised around an open flame. Microwave? Totally cool. IN fact...I bet many mentally challenged people enjoy cooking and would like to do more. So....what does that say about those able minded that 'can't cook'????