Story Time

I should be packing. Instead I decided to tell a tale from my past - because - they are enjoyable. I like to tell ones that are referenced in comments, because I forget all my funny stories until they are mentioned....and I have a bag of them. A large bag that can not be carried on. It must be checked.

Title: Suck My D*ck. Suck My God Damn D*ck

Once upon a time I lived in Phoenix. In Phoenix, they have these great things: drive-thru liquor stores.

Some ask - why is this necessary? I will tell you: This is convenience at its finest.

One night I went out to get some beer. Although there was a closer liquor store - I would never return there because I was attacked by a GIANT flying cockroach the last time I was there. I mean GIANT - I am talking 5 inches long (I am not exaggerating). I thought an invisible man hit me with an invisible bat. Nope...just the local giant flying cockroach flying into my arm. Oh my - I just went into convulsions thinking about it. I was crying when I left. I did not want to exit. But the people that sit out side (I lived in an area next to the ghetto) the liquor store assured me it was killed.

Back to the title story:

So I am driving as to drive through the liquor store.

Now...I need to pass the store before I turn in. As I pass it I note there is a man standing in front of the drive-thru screaming something to the busy street.

Whatever. This is normal behavior for where I am currently residing. The local Safeway Grocery turns into the bumpin' supermarket for tweeked out people past 9PM. Complete with harsh, explicit, underground, loud rap music. I swear this is true. It was weird. I lived in the ghetto.

**It should be noted - after becoming fearful of the local grocery store I decided to go to the Mexican Mercado. Where - my first time...I was told in the parking lot that I was a "white b*tch". I then bought groceries in a different part of Phoenix...far from where I lived.

**It should also be noted that I now live in the big bad city of Chicago - and these things have never happen to me. Well...except the Starburst thing...story for another day.

So I think nothing of the screaming man and I have no idea what he saying until I pull in. He is screaming to Southern Avenue:

"SUCK MY DICK, SUCK MY GOD DAMN DICK" over and over and over.

He is angry. He is screaming to no one in particular. Just the world.

By the time I have figured out what he is saying I have already committed myself to the drive-thru. He is now standing in front of the window...screaming to the street.

He sees me.

I see him.

One has the right to carry a concealed weapon in Arizona. I am not driving the pope-mobile. My brain is working the math. I don't want to offend him. I would have to reverse to get out of the situation, seems offensive. I must meet the obstacle. I have no choice but to continue to the window. Befriend the possible danger.

I creep up in my car.

Man is still screaming to the street.

He looks at me, pauses.

I need to say something...anything.

He continues the screaming about sucking his dick - yet looking at me every other second.

"oh..are they open?" I say

He stops at "SUCK M..."

"Oh yeah baby, they are open - you go right on order what you need, and have a nice evening SUCK MY DICK. SUCK MY GOD DAMN DICK"

The man - stopped and turned into this kind gentleman for 2 seconds and then carried on with his screaming dick sucking epilogue.

He even smiled and waved to me as I left...while, of course the street: "SUCK MY DICK. SUCK MY GOD DAMN DICK"

odd. but true

1 comment:

Muffin Cake said...

This is one of my favorite stories. I seem to remember that Safeway having the poles on the carts to prevent cart theft. Is this a correct memory?