The Fluid Breakdown

Those that live in a snowy area know this:

Keep GALLONS of windshield wiper fluid on hand at all time during the winter if you plan on traveling via express/tollway.

While traveling on major thoroughfares the dirt and grime and dirty snow come up and soil your windshield at a quick quick quick rate.

This evening I traveled out to the burbs. I filled my wiper fluid about 3 weeks ago - but, I barely drive so I figure I may have used an eighth of it, tops.

On my way out to the burbs I was using that fluid like it was going out of style. Every minute I was washing and washing again due to the snow and what appeared to be hail.

I feared my resources would soon be depleted. On my way back, about 5 minutes into my 45 minute journey my "hey - you - you driving the car - you are low on wiper fluid" light went on.

FAAACK.

I have no idea when that light actually goes on. Is it when half the supply is gone? Is it when there are 3 tablespoons left? I have no idea. I MUST reserve.

I devise a plan. Every five miles, I will wipe it down. That lasted about 2 miles and my windshield was so filthy I could barely make out the lights of the cars in front of me....thaaaaaaaaaaaats not gonna work.

Revise plan...every....1.5 miles. And this is a 27 mile journey.

So I let my windshield filth up to the point it looked like I was going through a dense smog and I would wipe. Now mind you - I am traveling at about 50 - 60 MPH, I can't see, I have shotty breaks...this does not make for safe driving conditions.

Finally I get to about 5 miles from my exit. I am pleased I have made it this far and that The Maker has spared my precious life. I fear I'm literally on my last squirt.

Driving...driving...driving...SALT TRUCK.

FANTASTIC. I am now behind a salt truck.

uuummmmm what happened to operation beet juice?

What to do? What to do?

One should keep in mind that I drive only slightly above the limit because I am half grandma and half aware of my break situation. I do not travel in the far left lanes. Far too fast for ol' Mere. Must pass salt truck or travel at 40 MPH.

Let's weigh the options....drive around and it will be salt-spitting-fest 2008 on my windshield because lord knows I will not make it into the super fast lane. The reason this scares me is because I fear my fluid is so low I won't be able to clear off the mess and I will have to wreck my car into the median and find out how much of a safety feature those airbags really are...or travel a safe distance from the truck at 40MPH which is just longer time and more wiping and really- do I have the fluid for that?

I do it...I go around....Dear Lord...it was like a hail storm. Not to be confused with the hail I encountered in Utah in September 2004..but hail nonetheless. I was blind. Blind to the road for a good 20 seconds. Which really is a long time. My wipers moving feverishly left and right in an effort to clear away the salt and grime and snow...


horrifying...that is all I have to say.

BUT...I survived. I survived.

Now...what will happen to me and my low fluid situation? Well...let me tell you. I will continue to forget I am low on fluid or just be plain too lazy to fill it up and live this nightmare for the rest of the winter.

This is also the reason I don't get a mother loving I-Pass (forgetfulness and laziness ) and end the insanity of jumping 50 cent tolls because I simply don't have the change and I don't think ahead. I fear I reached the limit on toll jumping tonight. I had 1 dime, 4 nickels, 43 pennies, 20 Kroner and a Euro. Here is your 30 cents of acceptable Unites States Currency and I am out of here...thanks for the photo.

I'm not sayin' I'm just sayin':

I'm a lazy idiot.

I respectfully accept my fine from the Illinois Tollway with a smile.

The Becks Fantasy

I was talking to my friend Katie today after work. Katie lives in Arizona but we have a strong phone friendship. I talk to her nearly daily. In fact, we did not talk for about 5 or so days and she assumed we had broken up....which we had not. I was just busy doing....nothing.

We started to talk about something - something about if a celebrity endorses a candidate does it make you want to vote for them. I said, absolutely not. Then she questioned what if David Beckham ... and proceeded to stir up a fantasy.

I recognize he is attractive but I can not participate in any sort of fantasy involving him because all that does is remind me that I am Captain McChubbyPants. He is far too wee to fantasize about, it does nothing for me.

Then she corrected me to say that in the fantasy I too would be hot so there is no reason to feel fat, it is after all: a fantasy.

I came to the conclusion that I would be far too fixated on my own hot self in this fantasy to even think about David Beckham. So once again this type of fantasy is worthless.

That is just me.

I am vain in really life. It is a well known fact that I can NOT be seated opposite a mirror or any type of reflective surface. I just stare at myself in wonder, amusement and sheer delight.

You turn a plump vain girl like myself into a hot piece of ass in a fantasy and really...the fantasy just becomes about her. "Who was I suppose to be thinking about? Not me? Poppycock! Look at me for Christ sake!"

Dentist part II

I think I may be permanently numb.

I can feel nothing on the right side of my mouth and I was served the numbing injection nearly 3 hours ago. I don't recall it lasting this long last time.

This could be a good weight loss plan.

I won't eat anything I must chew for for fear of biting off my tongue. In which case I will have to throw the severed piece in a zip lock bag (with some milk - I know - you are suppose to do with with teeth - or something - whatever) and march on down to Lincoln Park hospital leaving a trail of blood.

This is not a scene I want no part of.

By the way - I don't have a dirty mouth - just deep pits.

Addict

..for Britney Spears.

I am and I admit it. I understand that she is either deeply disturbed or putting on an elaborate show...but I am glued to her life.

She is F.A.S.C.I.N.A.T.I.N.G. And not in a good way.

I get most of my information from Perez Hilton as I find him a reliable source and that is where I got the photos. Today it was an updated progression of her day. At the courthouse, at a church, speeding down the roads, at Ralph's, getting lunch. I love it. I have every lady in my office loving it. I have turned them into addicts with me.

The photos above are not flattering. But rarely is she dressed in anything near normal. Yesterday she was running around in jean cut - offs.

Jean cut-offs. Jean shorts alone are vile. But the added effect of cut - off? It is disturbing.

If anyone knowingly has a pair of jean shorts in their wardrobe I demand you get them out and burn them.

I have seen this a lot with our friend, Britney: For cryin' out loud: Someone buy the girl a bag. Why is she always running around with million things in her hands? Phones, dogs, cigarettes, lighters, important documents. GET A BAG, WOMAN. Be it a $3,000 designer hand bag or a plastic Target bag. Anything. JUST GET A BAG. The woman spends half her life at drug stores. Pick up a plastic bag while you are there.

Yet another foolish move...

I am one of those people that you hear about on the news and think "What an idiot"

I am...I admit it. I will loose my hand in a lawn mover or a snow blower one day. It is because I have no patience and when something goes wrong I need it fixed THAT SECOND. And lord knows..I think I know how to fix everything.

When my check engine light goes on, I open up the hood and look at the engine. As though I have any clue what I am looking at. This is who I am.

So if I am ever out blowing snow and it gets stuck I will look in it and dive my hand in to dislodge only to pull out my bloody stump.

However - it should be noted that I have fixed many a toilet and broken sink and have installed a ceiling fan all by myself.

I also hold the world's record for fastest and least messy tire change. I was wearing a white dress and got a flat tire and changed that thing in about 5 minutes and had nothing but a bit of grime on my palms. Which reminds me that I have a flat spare in my trunk. I will be standing on the side of the road shaking my fist in the air at my idiocy one day.

However - I know I am crazy - this is why I have a weird fear of blenders and garbage disposals. I check like I have OCD twelve times that these things are off before sticking my precious digits near a movable blade.

But.....in the heat of things not going my way or like I think they should go...I tend to not do any sort of thinking.

Back to today:

I have an espresso/cappuccino maker. If you recall this is one of the things that have positively changed my life, like my bangs.

This morning I switched the dial to the frothing feature and no steam was coming out of the machine.

Hmmmm.....what is wrong with this damn thing?
I switch the dial back and forth.
Hmmmm...odd.
Well...I will just go ahead and unscrew the top of this machine off. You know...that part that says something about "warning: contents under pressure...blah blah something about avoiding injury"

For some reason I don't take warnings seriously. Don't mix prescription pain killers with alcohol? What? Tomfoolery.

Unscrewing...can't unscrew. Very hard to unscrew. This is the sign to STOP TRYING TO UNSCREW...BUT NONONONONONO.

I will not have this piece of junk run my life. This thing is not calling the shots. I WILL get my frothed milk.

I WILL unscrew it off. I WILL get to the bottom of the injustice this has served me.

Suddenly about an eighth of the lid pops open and steam is flowing out of it fast and furiously and it is making an whistling noise.

CRAP. It is going to explode. I check that it is off, I unplug it - yeah...like that is going to do me any good.

So then I am standing right next to it and staring at in a panic. How do I make this stop? how? HOW?

When I decided there was nothing I could do and realized it might explode I decided to seek shelter behind my kitchen wall, waiting for the impending explosion. When the whistling stopped I returned to it and went about my business.

It is interesting that apparently I am willing to loose an eye for frothed milk.

G - Rod

I hope the Governor and his hair get hit by a bus this weekend.

A New Year, A New Element

I have added a music element to my page.

I don't really get how to use it...'cause I'm dumb like that. I'd like to up-load music from my collection on to it but I don't know how and I want to go read some fine literature before I go to sleep.

And when I say 'my collection', I mean from my I-Tunes files, not a recording of me singing a tune while banging a pot....although that would be fucking sweet.

I only like music sang from the sweet lips of those birthed in the United Kingdom. So deal...

I fancy all things British...and I mean ALL.

***please note - these comments were intended for the first music selection...the selection is always changing