Today I ran my first 5k in about 4 years. A sad performance but least I am more cool than some people at the race. I might be slow, but I am friggin' awesome.
I was pleased to see that none of my old 5k annoyance have changed...such as:
That was a nerdy joke for a nerd complaint.
2. I line up in the back of the pack because I recognize that I am a slow runner. In this particular race they had it clearly marked where to line up by your mile time. A sign for 7 minute milers in the front...then a sign for 7.5 minute milers, etc. These are not decorations celebrating the different times it may take to finish a mile but I guess that is what people think....or they are super dumb and believe they can walk a mile in under 10 minutes. (which - I probably could. I am an Olympic speed walker.) There is no reason my slow fat ass should be passing your walking body 3 blocks from the start line. What is going on here?
Perhaps next time I will bring a clipboard and pencil and wear one of them old time reporter hats and interview these folks. Did you strain your quad out the gate? Did you get a block and say "fuck it, I'm walkin'"? Is this a protest to society and the way we are constantly discriminated against and pigeonholed by mile time? I can't tell you how many times I have been turned down a job because a simple Google search revealed my slow running. Curse the man!!! Or....are you just a fucking idiot?
The most SUPER annoying is when there is a gaggle of ladies chatting about nonsense while they push their strollers. FOUR OF THEM IN A ROW - taking up half the road. COME ON....why did you not start in the back?
I don't mind passing people - it feels better to pass than to be passed, but when I am trying to pass the mom-stroller road block it is annoying....mostly because it forces me to run more. My lazy ass wants to run 5 kilometers. NOT 5.1 kilometers. Out of the way. Orale!
3. The stinkin' announcers at these things. Is it a joke? They sound like parodies of radio dudes. I run the fastest in the beginning just to get away from it. Then I find myself running to it at the end which I do not like! That is not welcoming! I kinda wish the dude would be hiding with a megaphone at every turn - I would shave a good 10 minutes off my time just trying to flee from his voice and stupid adages.
4. My favorite and a favorite of my good friend Liz: The hydration belt. IT IS 3.1 MILES DUDE! What the hell? You are not going to dehydrate in your 3 mile run...for cryin' out loud... you are a fool. Did you mistake this for a 50k? Only reasonable explanation. In fact I think they should get rid of the hydration stations in the 5k, unless it is super hot. Let's make this tiny race a real challenge! They certainly should not be handing out Gatorade...really? Your electrolytes have been depleted after running 1.5 miles. Forgo the race and see a doctor.
5. I don't have a 5, but this dude was holding a sign along the race that said "YOU ARE ALL REALLY GOOD AT EXERCISE" and that was the highlight of my race. Hilarious!