5 for a 5k

Today I ran my first 5k in about 4 years.  A sad performance but least I am more cool than some people at the race.  I might be slow, but I am friggin' awesome.

I was pleased to see that none of my old 5k annoyance have changed...such as:

1.  Nerds that wear their 5k shirt to the 5k.  Yes - this is my most bitchy complaint so it is first.  I just think it is nerdy.  There it is off my chest - now get that shirt off your chest.....
That was a nerdy joke for a nerd complaint.

2.  I line up in the back of the pack because I recognize that I am a slow runner.  In this particular race they had it clearly marked where to line up by your mile time.  A sign for 7 minute milers in the front...then a sign for 7.5 minute milers, etc.  These are not decorations celebrating the different times it may take to finish a mile but I guess that is what people think....or they are super dumb and believe they can walk a mile in under 10 minutes.  (which - I probably could.  I am an Olympic speed walker.) There is no reason my slow fat ass should be passing your walking body 3 blocks from the start line.  What is going on here? 

Perhaps next time I will bring a clipboard and pencil and wear one of them old time reporter hats and interview these folks.  Did you strain your quad out the gate?  Did you get a block and say "fuck it, I'm walkin'"?  Is this a protest to society and the way we are constantly discriminated against and pigeonholed by mile time?  I can't tell you how many times I have been turned down a job because a simple Google search revealed my slow running.  Curse the man!!!  Or....are you just a fucking idiot?  

The most SUPER annoying is when there is a gaggle of ladies chatting about nonsense while they push their strollers.  FOUR OF THEM IN A ROW - taking up half the road.  COME ON....why did you not start in the back? 

I don't mind passing people - it feels better to pass than to be passed, but when I am trying to pass the mom-stroller road block it is annoying....mostly because it forces me to run more.  My lazy ass wants to run 5 kilometers.  NOT 5.1 kilometers.  Out of the way.  Orale!

3.  The stinkin' announcers at these things.  Is it a joke?  They sound like parodies of radio dudes.  I run the fastest in the beginning just to get away from it.  Then I find myself running to it at the end which I do not like!  That is not welcoming!   I kinda wish the dude would be hiding with a megaphone at every turn - I would shave a good 10 minutes off my time just trying to flee from his voice and stupid adages.

4.  My favorite and a favorite of my good friend Liz:  The hydration belt.  IT IS 3.1 MILES DUDE!  What the hell?  You are not going to dehydrate in your 3 mile run...for cryin' out loud... you are a fool.  Did you mistake this for a 50k?  Only reasonable explanation.  In fact I think they should get rid of the hydration stations in the 5k, unless it is super hot.  Let's make this tiny race a real challenge!  They certainly should not be handing out Gatorade...really?  Your electrolytes have been depleted after running 1.5 miles.   Forgo the race and see a doctor.

5.  I don't have a 5, but this dude was holding a sign along the race that said "YOU ARE ALL REALLY GOOD AT EXERCISE" and that was the highlight of my race.  Hilarious!


Amy Beth Kloner said...

How did I miss this one?
I f'in love this post! You need to blog more... please!
LOVED the hydration belt.

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