Die Hipster Scum

I fucking hate hipsters.

This is not interesting – everyone but hipsters hate hipsters.

As in any major city we have hipsters galore in Chicago … but I am relieved that I do not live in the part of town that is super-saturated with them.   If I did my eyes would be permanently locked in the mid-eye roll position from constantly being annoyed by skinny jeans on dudes, out of season stocking caps, stupid eyeglasses, careless yet deliberate facial hair growth, brightly colored tights, and faux Zooey Deschanel quirkiness.  Stop it.  It is fake.. all fake.

I have made several analogies to hipsters over the years:

My first:
Ok – you know how at ASU a very small part of the population is Greek and basically if you are Greek you think Greek people are cool but if you are not you are like “what the fuck loser?  Way to fit into a stereotype” that is what a hipster is.  Transfer that to a large city.  That is what we are dealing with.  Now – people that played rugby at ASU? Awesome mother-fuckers.

The above really is not fair to my friends that were involved in the Greek system at ASU because they are actually cool and would never lower themselves to being hipsters so I have adjusted that.

The thing about hipsters is – they are frauds.  They are judgmental fucking frauds and they are rude and generally assholes.   Maybe this is part of their “thing” and if so – I got news – NO ONE IS IMPRESSED.

No one on planet earth likes hypocrites – which is what a hipster is.  No one likes judgmental people – which you must be to be a hipster. 

Hipsters remind me of that Cake song – Rock ‘n Roll Lifestyle.  TOTALLY describes hipsters. 

Shut your traps – I know what you are thinking – that I AM JUDGING.  Yes I am – but with license.  I am judging them for being dicks that think they are better than everyone, smarter than everyone, more in tune the world.  Yes – I am judging them because the fact is – I know more than them!  I am better and smarter than them….it is a fact and not a judgment.

Like any group in the world they think they are original when in fact they have clearly opened up a handbook on hipsterism and are adhering to it.  Sure – perhaps the fact that I dress like the norm makes me a follower – but YOU – YOU YOU FUCKING HIPSTER are going out of your way to consciously follow a path.  Sure – I am influence by what I see but the fact that I don’t consciously seek out that path makes me a bigger individual than your sorry ass follower self.

Groups like to say they ‘go against the norm’ and what not…that they will not be a follower.  But who is the follower when you are in a group that consciously decides how they will look and think?  Are we, the common people, followers?  Mmmmmmm no.  You are.  We all follow society and the norms.  We all have smart phones and have jobs and fall into our society.  Until you join a god damn Amish community – do not tell me how you are an individual because you are wearing some retro shit.  I want to see some god damn butter churned by you!  Churn me some fucking butter!

Hipsters are brainwashed.  They judge those that have not been brainwashed.  They are idiots.

So…on a scale of 1 to 10 on being a judgemental-hypocrite (10 being the most) – 10 is definitely a hipster.  NO ONE is more judgey and hypocritical. 

Evengelical – Christian – Right wingers – they register a 7 on the scale…far more tolerable people. 

Correct me if I am wrong – but I assure you, I am not.  

Hipsters!  Your time is up  - find a new identity, the rest of us are bored of the current one.



Laura said...

You have said it all! And that is coming from a sorority drop-out rugger!! Of course we had these types too... the Goths. So irritating to see people who spend way more time on the way they look in order to tell the world that they don't care how they look. My husband told me that he was going to buy some yellow skinny jeans and a red belt. I told him they would definitely fit him in the crotch since I would be cutting it out now that he no longer needed it [he was joking of course... I do believe that he is the only person as judgy as you in this world!] =) Perhaps I will follow your blog post with my own, exploring the ever ironic Mexican, gang-banger, hipster... courtesy of California (believe it or not, you CAN sag skinny jeans... although the effect is a hilarious pooped pants look)

Katie said...

You should add to this that they are, like, never charmed by cute kids. Any group of people who patently refuse to be by my insanely good looking, charming kids is a group of assholes.