Down with it.

I hate this:

FIRST LINE: "I am a college senior" The fact this little bitch is about to go on some self righteous diatribe and is a college senior - presumably 21 years old - is hilarious. It is hilarious to anyone that was 21. Yes - we all think we know everything at that age. But then we grow up a realize we knew shit about shit. The people that HONESTLY think they did in fact have it figured out at 21 or any age - ARE ASSHOLES that know SHIT about SHIT.

Dear Dummy,

I have some points to make:

1. You make minimum wage, work less than full time, and have no debt. Perhaps you should refrain from wasting your time writing shit on giant paper with a Sharpie (I'd love to know HOW YOU AFFORDED the Sharpie and that fancy paper - neither is cheap - they are strictly a middle class purchase not for the poverty level you live in) you should write a book, get your own TV show. Suzie Orman has NOTHING on your financial brilliance.

2. A state university? You act like that is a sacrifice. MOST PEOPLE go to state universities. OH.MY.GOD. Do you also make the sacrifice to breathe the same air as everyone? Drive on the same roads? WOW. You are a humanitarian.

3. You started saving for college at 17? WHAT THE FUCK? UNLESS you started school at 30 --- this statement is ABSURD at best. On this statement alone - you should have your degree revoked.

4. You got 'decent' grades and received NOT ONE...BUT TWO scholarships. Ok...I am going to call you BULLSHIT. You got decent grades and enrolled at a decent university and have scholarships flowing out your ass? Are you disabled? An orphan? A minority? Something is setting you apart. STOP BEING AN ASS!!!!

5. A scholarship is a handout you fucking asshole!!!!

6. The laundry list of shit you don't have. I don't have half that shit. WHY is this a sacrifice? When I was in college, we had a saying in my house "the alley shall provide"....when we needed a piece of furniture we would just roam alleys looking for shit. Stop being a little bitch. We've all been there. Some more than others.

7. Oh golly! And the rest - got IT ALL FIGURED OUT!!! Congrats. I got news for you sweetheart, you live in a dream world. I hope life continues to be a piece of cake as it has been so you can look down on everyone else. Everyone else that has also worked hard and found themselves in situations they NEVER thought they'd be in when they were a know-it-all college senior.


Jason Kueper said...

I love it! Thanks for the laughs :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with you entirely. (KKB)

Muffin Cake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Muffin Cake said...

I laugh at her for thinking she is the 1%. I would like to use my Sharpie (I didn't buy it since I work FT at much more than minimum wage and can barely afford groceries this week) to write a sign to her:

"YOU are not the 1%. The 1% comes and sits at a table in your section of the restaurant, you take their order, and their bottle of wine costs more than your rent. They shit and wipe their asses with a bigger stack of cash than you have ever seen in your life."


Amy Beth Kloner said...

This is fckn hilarious. I love you!!!

Aime said...

I have at least 12 sharpie markers and debt to prove it. I agree with every part of your post and hope she doesn't bump into us in a Fillibertos.