I have been recently seduced by radio ads for the National Guard.

Maybe I should join the National Guard?!?! One weekend a month and 2 weeks per year. I can do that. I get a check and they pay for school. Sounds good!

This is how you get lured in. They sell it as helping your community.

Great! Super!

Then...reality set it.

#1 I am probably too old.

#2 I envision it as me throwing sandbags around when a random local river rises, beating down some unruly hippies at a Widespread Panic show, or maybe crowd controlling some drunk Croatians as an ethnic fest. This is probably not it.

#3 I thought maybe it would be like some mandatory monthly workout that I got paid for. I'd run around in mud, do a jig through some tires, scale a wall made of wood.

It is more likely I will have to wear camouflage and stand at attention or some shit which...would make me feel silly and then I would laugh.

Then...then...can you imagine? It is all Full Metal Jacket and some dude is screaming in my face "two things come from Chicago, people that work at banks and skanks, you don't look much like a banker!"

Then skank it is, sir!

Some high ranking officer would be screaming at me to climb the wall and I'd start crying like in Officer and a Gentleman or whatever movie I am thinking of.

Point is...I seriously considered this for about 12 hours - I went as far as to go on to the IL National Guard website. Which - by the way - SUCKS.

I can only assume someone in a military uniform will be buzzing my door in the next week. They know. They know I was looking.

Too bad I came to my senses. It's not all glorious sandbags and racially profiled crowd control.

Most importantly....I can not be disciplined at this age. I just can't. I can't take it seriously.

Maybe that is why there is an age limit on the military. My brain can not be properly washed, my soul not properly terrorized.

When I played rugby my coach was all over the forwards for being fat, lazy, and out of shape. My response: " ever think maybe I don't want to be fit"

Not a good idea.

Hence...I would be discharged.

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