Walking, Sweating, Awesomeness...

There are 3 events I would win an Olympic Gold in if they were actual events:

1. Speed Walking
2. Sweating
3. Procrastination With Success

The Speed Walking:

It is odd, to say the least. I am not fucking around when I say I can speed walk faster than I can run. In my hay day I could walk faster than most could run. I've got people that can sign an affidavit on this. It is NOT normal. But...it is my skill. Clearly - I am a chub factory so it's not like I can run fast...but still. My speed walking is amazing. Wait - is this an Olympic sport? I hope for humanity it is not.

The Sweating:

Nothing to say here. Nothing to be proud of. I dislike those that don't sweat. I sweat opening up my mailbox. I refer to it as my highly evolved cooling system. I WILL NEVER....NEVER OVERHEAT...unless I find myself on Mercury. But even then - I'd like that challenge, call NASA.

There is a photo of the our solar system here. In the event...you should not know the order of the planets...and be put down like an old tired dog. (I know a 4 year old that can accurately name 5 of the planets...kill yourself if you can't) I'm just sayin'

The Procrastination With Success:

Yes, I know....everyone procrastinates. It is a disease that is taking over the human race. There are those that make excuses for their procras-disease, they say things like "I work well under pressure". I've been told by professionals that I need to think this about myself and stop being so hard on myself about my addiction to procrastination.

BUT - that is lame. There is a difference between 'working well under pressure' and 'being a lazy fool that likes to leave everything till the last minute'.

I am a both...more the later when it comes to normal life situations.

Working well under pressure?

What does that even mean? I don't know.

But I will tell you this: If you are in some type of emergency: you want me there. Although I am known for being a complete maniac, I can keep it together when the time comes and I have an AMAZING ability to bring up all things I've learned, been told, or trained to do:

Case 1:
My friends and I were in Mexico in the middle of no where and then again leaving a vacation spot and we were stopped by the Mexican Federales...who conveniently don't speak English (BULLSHIT). Please - get stopped in the middle of Baja California when you haven't seen another car in an hour and 4 Federales pull you over and saunter up to your car with GIANT whips, automatic rifles, and a Mexican smirk...Mexican prison here we come: SUDDENLY I CAN SPEAK some wicked awesome SPANISH. Ask me in any other occasion, all I can say is "Where is the bus", "It is not hear" "My name is Meredyth"......and that is it.

Case 2:
My friends and I wanted to play a joke on another friend and we spotted a toilet in an alley. I picked it up, by myself and was carrying it around.

On a funny side note: we were at a party later that evening and some guys= said "I saw the craziest thing earlier, this girl was carrying around a toilet like it was nothing" and I said "oh yeah....that was me"

It took two people and a struggle to remove said toilet from its joke spot: SUPER HUMAN STRENGTH. On a normal day, ask me to open a jar of spaghetti sauce and I am worthless.

Case 3:
I was driving down a long flat road with construction. It was raining. I was going about 50 - 60 and my tire went off the road. I turned my wheel slightly but it slippery. This caused my car to spin.

Have you ever had your steering wheel spin under your hands while the world spins by? Not comforting...that is pretty much what the moments before death look like.

It spun 450 degrees and I grabbed the steering wheel. Now I was going down the road side ways, my passenger window being my view of what is coming. That being a car coming in the opposite direction. Luckily WAAAY down the road because the fool decided it would be a good idea to proceed down a two lane road (one in each direction) when a car is spinning. FOOL.

This is all in slow motion, as is in these situations. The moment I caught the wheel and was skidding down the road, I let go and the wheel started spinning the other way. That is when the lessons of Driver's Ed kicked in. Never did I over correct. I just let my Mitsubishi Eclipse slide down that road, each time catching the wheel a little sooner to let it spin the other way. Eventually...I was driving straight down Power Road. I thought: I could have died or wrecked Mitzi. Died because that retard never did pull over or stop...or wrecked because I would have ended up in a cow. Back in the mid-late-90's, Power Road was nothing but agriculture and livestock: AMAZING DRIVER that recalls the lessons of driving and doesn't freak the fuck out, my heart didn't skip a beat. I was was just pissed at that driver coming my way.

Case 4:
I was tending to two lovely boys and went to change the younger one's diaper. The older one followed me in. While I was wiping ass, the older one, who was 2 years, tapped me on the leg and was pointing at his mouth which was open. To this day I am not sure if he was just showing me all the cheese in his mouth or if he was choking.

I decided it was a choke. I yelled in his face: "OH MY GOD, ARE YOU CHOKING?", I tossed the baby in the crib, grabbed the boy and flipped him upside down and hit him on the back until a sufficient amount of cheese was on the ground. I flipped him back over and asked if he was ok. He was. This is where I wasn't cool. I started crying and demanded he hug me and said "were you choking? I thought you were choking." He just looked at me like I was insane: I SAVE THE LIVES OF CHILDREN.

My friend tried to tell me my cheese dislodge method was inaccurate. But you see...being a master of emergency, I recalled that if you can lift up a person, you hang up them upside down to dislodge and I had elementary physics making sense for me: You work gravity when you can. I later confirmed with a Chicago Fire Department Paramedic that what I did was correct. Let it be known should you see a child or midget choking...or in my case, any reasonably sized adult: you flip over and beat. I got that super human emergency strength. I will flip anyone in my reading audience over and beat on your back before I start doing that laughable Heimlich Maneuver.

That summarizes my ability to 'work well under pressure'. Let's not talk about my ability to cram for tests and write amazing paper in a matter of hours. So boring. The point is: I am amazing.

But more importantly...you want me around in a true emergency...

Let's say...you are an airplane, a flight from ORD to DEN..it is hijacked by Somalian Pirates.... it could happen.

They've killed the pilots. That enormous metal beverage cart has trapped you on the ground. Your baby is choking on a pretzel.

Who do you want around? Me.

First...I quickly dislodge the pretzel so your baby can take in air.

Next...I start fighting the Somalians that are surveying the cabin. I've seen the Bourne series so naturally...I know how it is done. In the midst of this I use my pinkie to lift the beverage cart up so you can go back to your seat crying. You are weak and can not fight the good fight like me. I sneer at you and continue to kick ass.

I zip tie the pirates' hands behind their backs - they are unconscious but - have you seen movies? Bad dudes always wake up at inopportune times. And, I always have zip ties with me. You never know if your bumper is about to fall off or a criminal needs to be apprehended.

Then...I bust down the door to the cock pit. I am screaming things in....Somalian...or whatever is they speak. I am kung-fu-ing and what not. I am again zip tying...all while applying pressure to wounds and CPR-ing the plane-fliers.

I get on the controls of the plane and I am taken back to that year of ground school and air traffic control I am reading instruments and saying 'niner' and 'zulu'...YES - NINER and ZULU - that is how you KNOW - someone can fly an aeroplane. Niner....Zulu...Do they even do that??? The niner...I think so. Nine...Five...

Anyway -

I land the airplane....but for some reason you fell out and are trapped under a wheel so I slide out the cock pit window and lift up the airplane to release you.

Then I wipe off my brow and say "all in a day's work" and walk off dramatically...hopefully not to be run over by a belt loader.

I love belt loaders.....

This is the service I provide. I ask nothing in return. However - I could have written up 2 labs in the time it took me to write this garbage. But hey - those labs will get done in time...in sweet, sweet time...


Jeff and Lindsey said...

You have made me very happy with this post.

Laura said...

I totally had my back bumper zip tied to the car in college! I just laughed so hard I almost peed a little!!