It is time. It has been asked for. A new blog entry.

UGH! Would you believe, I can't come up with something to bitch about?

I'd like to blog about my crunchy knees...but who would that entertain?

I have decided I will speak of the weather because we are on the brink of Spring. February and March are the worst for us here in Chicago.

Spring in Chicago is your drug addicted mother on welfare that ditched out on the family years ago and comes for a visit every once in a while.

This year she stopped by on December 26th and dropped off some Christmas presents and then high tailed it out of there in 36 hours. I think she came by again once. She came back again for a day or two in January or February - I can't remember...but it was a weekend and a nice visit. She is here again for a day - maybe through the weekend - but she is unpredictable - it is her nature.

Then she makes an alleged commitment to you on March 20th, some say March 21st - but since my birthday is March 20 - I claim the rights to spring. She is bad at commitments so she pretty much comes and goes until May or June - depending on her mood and then your step-mom, Summer, kicks her ass out...till she randomly shows up again in winter, unannounced.

Changing Seasons:
I am not sure how I lived without this for 9 years. There is something about the promise of change that really makes one hopeful and giddy. The entire city morphs into a different place at each season. I dig it. It works for me because I think I have some form of ADD and I can't handle too much of one thing.

However - I will say Chicagoans are the biggest pussies sometimes. City of Big Shoulders, my ass.

I can often be found screaming at the evening news when the weather hits a brutal and unlivable temperature on the third day. Yes. I said THIRD day. I can predict it. It is day number 3 when the news stations hit the streets to get the public's opinion. As though it is something one can rally against. As, though we can organize a coup against the weather. Give it up and deal. You live in Chicago. Chicago. Chicago!

It is the midwest, my friends, and the we have that huge mass of water known as Lake Michigan that can make it or break it.

You can't leave the door without checking the weather. You never know what may happen. Spring is notorious for this crap...but still...it can happen at any time. When I first moved back here I did not have this in my routine. I went to work one day: It was 60 degrees outside. It was 30 degrees by 3 PM. I had my spring coat and that was all. My teeth chattered all the way home and I looked like an idiot.

"Didn't you listen to the weather" the co-workers said.
"I'm not use to that yet....I am from Arizona" I said sheepishly.

Another time it was clear skies. I was living in the suburbs at the time. When I took the train home....as we got deeper into the burbs I noted there ... was ... snow. No snow in the city....yet snow...in the burbs...just 5 miles out it started. At every stop there was another inch on the parked cars. Then...I got to my stop and 8 inches were on my car! WTF? Oh...this is that 'lake effect snow' / no snow thingee. I had no snow removing devise at the time so I had to risk frost bite with my hand wrapped in a T-Shirt that was in my trunk to get it off. Stupid unprepared Arizonian!

I become enraged when we do experience the bad times. The 3 days of negative 17. The three days of 103 degrees. That is when the news stations step in.

Take it to the streets! Something must be done!

Who are these weaklings that can't take three days of intolerable weather? Who? I want their phone numbers.

This is what happens on the third day of intolerable weather:
"How do you feel about this weather" asks the newsperson

and the responses:

"well it is terrible. It is just unlivable. We are living in unlivable conditions"
"the real question is, how much longer will we put up with this?"
"I know I can't go on like this any longer. I am sick of it. Just sick of it"
"Something needs to be done. This is no way for people to live"
"This is just not how you want in your life right now. You want to be outside. You can't be outside when this is going on"

Excuse me...are we talking about the extreme weather that has lasted 3 days or has a foreign military taken control of the city? What is going on? THREE DAYS. THREE FUCKING DAYS and you are acting like there is a deadly epidemic of some sort. Has there been an outbreak? Am I that last to know?

Now - of course my opinions are different. I actually have lived somewhere called Arizona. A place where extreme weather rules the better half of the year with no breaks. A place where your car melts. A place where I spent the entire good part of the year dreading what was coming.

Hence, I moved. You know what...if you don't like the weather, move. It is pretty simple. People have been doing it for hundreds of years.

In fact, I demand these sallies live in a place like Arizona. Where one actually experiences extreme weather for more than 1 week.

I admit it. I am Goldilocks. I left Chicago because it was too cold. I left Arizona because it was too hot. I woke up stung by a scorpion, did the math, and got the F out of there. Actually I knew I was leaving before the scorpion got me - but NOTHING sealed the deal like that. Take me to a place without the devil's army (scorpions) and where it is NOT NORMAL for a cockroach to wonder across your path.

Being away and coming back has left me with an appreciation for the seasons. It is nice to never dread a season. It goes like this:

Winter: Hooray Christmas! Santa, shiny things, and lights! Snow! Hooray for the first snow.
Then...enough. I am sick of this winter coat and I have lost half my winter gear on a night of drinking to ease the pain of this weather.

Spring: Finally we thaw. This is the worst season. Spring is lying whore as explained above. You go to sleep with 60 degrees and wake up to a fresh blanket of snow. F spring. But it is a relief from winter and you take what you can get.
Then...enough. I need stability, I can't take the unpredictability.

Summer: Hooray! Bikes (not Rollerblades) and the beach. Laying in parks! Dining al fresco. Coats be gone! The Cubs! A busy city full of excitement!
Then...enough. I want to eat stew and sip hot drinks with delightful flavors.

Fall. Hooray! The BEST season ever. There is nothing bad to say about this. There are way too many to mention. The crisp cool air. The colors. The lack of sweat.
Then....hmmmm...that awesome first snow would be great.

In closing...February sucks for the weather...but it sucks even more for how it is spelled. I HATE IT.

4 comments:

kkbeshay said...

You're my favorite.

Frost Cake Co. said...

Oh Mere...I am so happy you blogged! I loved that! I loved it! Makes me want to move to Chicago!

Scott said...

Another great installment... I love the imagery. Adam Carolla would be proud ;)

Lindsey J said...

I am happy any time I see a new post on your blog - you never disappoint