WT Food...

White Trash Food...what is it?

We shall explore this topic today.

It is food of poor taste - yet with a price that far exceeds the value.

You see there is a difference between being poor and being white trash.

Poor people are just poor. Where white trash is poor and, most importantly: stupid.

Say there was a big Monster Truck Rally coming up. A poor person that does not have the money will simply not go. Whereas white trash will forgo paying the mortgage to buy 7 prime seats to the event - even though it is the 9th Monster Truck Rally they have been to that year.

White Trash Food and Drink:

Pop Tarts:
Where do I begin? If White Trash had a mascot it would be the Pop Tart. If White Trash had a flag, there would be a picture of a Pop Tart on it. They cost far too much money. I suppose you could purchase an off brand - but nonetheless. The disgustingness of this delight never ends. Some kind of icing, a gooey manufactured center, and bleached white flour paste has been baked together into the land's most offensive breakfast treat. Stop eating them if you have any respect for yourself and the human race.

Grape Jelly:
Not to be confused with a jam or preserves. In reality you can insert any jelly in here but grape is the most popular and is particularly gross. I believe I had an early post on my blog about how I was served dry toast at a well known and respected breakfast establishment and all I got was grape jelly. As though that would be good enough for me. At least give me some margarine for cryin' out loud. I know I am a freak - I like pulp in my OJ. But the thing is - I like to know that actual fruit was present in the making of my fruit food. This is why JELLY is gross. What is it? Plus - UNSPREADABLE. IT just chucks out and moistens the bread. YUCK.

White Zinfandel:
This is a starter wine. It is what you drink in college, out of jug. Lord knows I have been stinkin' drunk on White Zin in my life. All those time: before my 21st year of life. It is for underage drinkers that don't know better. Once you graduate from college it MUST end. You ever wonder why a restaurant will have a list of 10 reds, 10 whites, and there is ONE white zin? Because - no one drinks it. No one drinks it because it is an embarrassment. It is not classy. Graduate to a finer wine, like Charles Shaw's Merlot...it is $3.

Velveeta Cheese:
It is not even cheese. It is solidified oil. It is cheese that sits on a shelf. Plus I believe it costs more money than gold per pound. Now - I am not sayin' it ain't DELICIOUS in a hot chili cheese dip. Lord knows that is one of the finest culinary treats known to man. But it is...white trash. The price to quality ratio makes it WT. Plus no one in their right mind eats Velveeta with out an accompaniment like a can of chili. The flavor is nasty. You need to hide that with some nice canned chili. (also not a nice flavor without the Velveeta - two wrongs do make a right in this case)

There are foods that are commonly miscatorgorized as White Trash Foods. Again - cheapness does not signify WT. If you do not understand that - you do not understand the golden rule of White Trash

Kraft Mac-n-Cheese:
This is one of the greatest treasures of America. You having a bad day? Feeling low? You make yourself a box of MnC and you are on top of the world. I like to heavily sprinkle mine with pepper. Preferably pepper out of a grinder so I get that course pepper that adds just the right amount of class. Now - I remind you I am talking the powder mix.

Now - this is not to be confused with Velveeta's Shells N Cheese with that Velveeta goo in a pouch. That stuff tastes like...well...Velveeta which is gross. Velveeta Shells and Cheese is the White Zinfandel of MnCs. People that prefer it to the powder mix are confused. They think it makes them classy. It costs a premium and they think they are getting value. No no....if you think that...then you are white trash. I don't care how much money you make.

It is childhood favorite of the 80's. Maybe it still is. I can't see myself letting my kids drink sugar water - but hey - everyone needs a quick sugar boost. I won't say I won't. However - it is age appropriate. I am not sure an adult really needs to be drinking Kool-Aid. But maybe this is some people of lower income's only access to a fruit flavored beverage. For them - I say - drink you Kool-Aid if you need. The last time I had Kool-Aid - or the generic brand was when I had dysentery in middle school. My doctor made me drink a anti-dehydration formula and to flavor it: Kool-Aid packets. This formula was obviously make at home, poor man Gatorade. But this formula suited my mother's tight purse strings. Lord knows if she was told to buy Gatorade I would have died - far too pricey. BUT...to this day - I regard lemon lime flavored Gatorade as "dysentery flavor" as that was the only flavor that tasted decent with the mix. And it tasted EXACTLY like the make-at-home Gatorade formula. You take some salt, some water, some baking soda, and a package of lemon-lime Kool-Aid mix --- you got yourself the yellow Gatorade. Yuck.

Ramen Noodles:

Cheap. For poor people. For people on a strict budget to live another day...not white trash. Don't judge. However - if you are eating this and not getting an Earned Income Credit on your taxes...please rethink your choice. It is 15 cents a package for a reason: it is crap.

Chicken Drumsticks:
What is wrong with chicken drumsticks? They are very economical and provide protein for your body. Sure it might be considered the greasiest part of the chicken - but it provides something, unlike a pop tart or grape jelly. We have become a society that shuns the drumstick. We are entitled mother-f-ers that want out boneless skinless chicken breast. Sure - it is healthier. But - The drumstick should never be overlooked for an occasional dinner. It is inexpensive, has nutritional value and is moist and tasty.

Now - I know this will enrage and offend people across this great earth. But remember - this is only my opinion. I certainly don't think you are WT if you enjoy these treats from time to time. But if all my WT foods are on you daily food intake...I might suggest there are actually far tastier and more nutritional food out there for your dollar.


Amy Beth Kloner said...

Just for the record, when I spent part of my summer between freshman and sophomore year with the Halletts on Cape Cod, I would come home from my waitressing job and sneak a few swigs of Mrs. Hallett's white zin . . . from with the wine box on the top shelf of the fridge! Shhh... don't tell.

NJames said...

I think I should have some sort of pass here - I have three children. Now, now - I do a great job of making nutritious homemade meals, but from time to time, on those days I have cleaned up poop from God knows where and I have heard too much I whining, I am not above handing out the PBJ - w/Grape Jelly, or making the ol' Mac 'n Cheese - they are both Godsends. As for the Velveeta - that's all Philip - ICK, ICK, ICK! I can truthfully say that I have nothing else on your list in my pantry.

Muffin Cake said...

This reads like one of my shopping lists, circa 2004, right before I finished my Bachelors.

You can TOTALLY class up Top Ramen by draining the water and eating it with steamed veggies. Close your eyes and pretend it's pasta, and then wash that shit DOWN with some white zin.

Mere said...

Amy - you were young. That is just fine.

NJ - MnC is NOT WT. Jelly? Yuck. No excuse. It is actually easier to spread jam or preserves - this will save you time. hahahaha

Katie - you are funny.

NJames said...

I get the squeezable grape jelly - it spreads quite nicely.
WAIT! I just checked my fridge and I do indeed have the squeezable Concord grape JAM! I think I rock!
And, you should add another item to your list - Slim Jims. I am a big fan of these and I am well aware that they are WT. Whatever - I cannot eat hot dogs, but I do enjoy a good Slim Jim.

Crystal said...

I am trying to decide where to place Tang. It's Kool Aid-ish. But more expensive, right? So probably in the White Trash category?

Lindsey J said...

Mere, I love you. No, I am in love with you and want to run away promptly. You are the funniest person - and I know funny.

Lindsey J said...

And - Port rinds.
Which I eat.

kkbeshay said...


Kris said...

Hey you forgot to add spam to your list!