I simply have not been terrifically happy in the past few months. My life is going no where fast. It is annoying. It is depressing. I spend time crying about it. Whatever. I'll get over it. I've gotten over it before.
It is fantastic when your life crisis coincides with high tax season. Oh yes friends...don't be fooled. Tax season ain't Christmas...it doesn't come but once per year. October 15 is the other big deadline. April 15 is volume. Oct 15 is complexity.
To make a long story short, I had worked the past week getting an absurd tax return in balance and then for reasons I can not explain, when I opened it up...not in balance. I flipped the fuck out.
Crying. Crying at work.
Awesome. The thing is, only part of the tears were for the tax return.
You see...like many from my generation - I never learned how to deal with my emotions. So instead of ever dealing or understanding my feelings, instead of ever trying to make sense of them or deeming them worthy, I just shove them into my bottle. Then...something...anything will set off that emotionally packed bottle and it will explode like a shaken 2 liter bottle of Coca-Cola Classic.
You may or may not be one of these people. You may have no understanding of why you can handle things sometimes and other times you flip out over nothing. Well...you, like me, get set off and then every god damn emotion is set free. You are no longer just mad that the dog shat on the rug. You are mad and hurt about everything you denied actually happened to your precious little ego in the past 3 months. Suddenly that bullshit your friend of 10 years said to you in passing and you thought was nothing is coming up. Suddenly you are pissed at your parents for failing you when you were a child. Suddenly you realize you hate every aspect of your life and no matter who you try to blame...it can't be changed so it doesn't really matter. Now...you are just hating life. And then you are crying not about the dog's crap...you are crying about everything you never dealt with.
Some like to assume you are 'PMSing". NO. My emotional breakdowns do not routinely run with 'that time of the month'. I prefer to refer to it as BLSS...Baby of the Late Seventies Syndrome. (I am talking time of birth)
*I have a lot of syndromes...you like that?
We, seventies babies grew up in an age where mental health was just coming to light.
Some how everything got fucked up with us. We got sandwiched between the keeping-your-bullshit-to-yourself-and-shut-up generation and the express-every-god-damn-feeling-you-have-and-mommy-will-take-care-of-it generation.
*personally...I feel the entitlement of the later will be the demise of the American society. You gotta have some self hate - let's hope the BLSS kids keep everyone in check. But both are fucked.
Most of my lady friends have done it. They flip out. They injured property, themselves or spouses as a result of a flip out. Or - like me, they make a fool of themselves.
So - I am working on that return and I loose my mind. I am crying. My office mate calls in another co-worker to help me find the difference. I get up from my desk, crying and close the door in the face of one of our partners.
Awesome.
I can't win no matter the situation. Either I am a maniac because I can't handle my job or I explain the situation and am psychotic 31 year old spinster that is so unhappy she is can no longer work and they commit me.
Everything eventually works out with the return but I am crying all god damn day. Not just about the return. Yes - part of the frustration, but the other part is just my life and how tired of it I am.
And ladies and gentleman - how do you soothe a chub?
Food.
The other partner comes in and gives me marble pound cake and some Vitamin Water.
At lunch my officemate gives me half of her pasta dish.
Today I was crying all day again. Cried on the L on the way to work like a maniac, cried in the elevator to work. Cried all day again. My officemate buys me a cheeseburger.
I really love and appreciate these people. They are so very kind.
But, it also humors me. It makes me wonder...if I were thin - would I receive diamonds and gems? Would I receive something pretty like flowers or a fancy paperweight? Perhaps something I could sell on E-Bay when my emotional storm has settled?
Well..I do have to admit...I think a cheeseburger is pretty.
Which might explain a thing or two...
