The Unneccessary Honk

The number one thing in this world that sends me straight from calm normal human to an outraged, uncompromising, blind with rage lunatic is...the unnecessary honk.

Nuclear weapons? Child pornography? Genocide? No..no.no.no....couldn't care less.

AN UNNECESSARY HONK? OH YES! You give me an unnecessary honk and you have unleashed a God damn maniac.

I turn into one of those cartoon characters where they go red from toe to head and steam starts coming out of their ears. Then I squirm around in my seat screaming "DID YOU JUST FUCKING HONK AT ME?", but I am held in the seat belt, unable to move as erratically as I'd like.

That is when I become the person that likes to live dangerously. The person that is just begging to get shot.

I was reminded of this issue of mine because I got a U.H. when I was parking my car this evening. I park on the street. I saw someone was leaving. I pulled my car tight to the car behind it as to allow others to pass and put on the blinker. To everyone in the free world this means "go around me, fine sir, I'll be parking here". NOT to the dimwit that came up behind me 2 minutes later. He honked.

I didn't react as I normally would have. I just did a lesser restrained freak out and said "are you fucking mentally disabled? I am looking to park, go around me you dummy".

What the hell was that honk for? He did go around me. He had plenty of room.

I am not sure what more I could have done. Put out flares? Hire ramp workers to signal to this fool I was parking. I don't have the money for that every time I need to p-park...more importantly - I don't need the witnesses when my p-park skills are lacking.

I was so much calmer than normal. What is with me?

Typical me would have done what is right in this situation: Swing my car out into the middle of the road as to not let him pass.

I have a thing I do. If someone dare give me an unnecessary honk - I will do all in my power to give them reason to honk.

I am not talking about the polite honk that says "dude...go!"

I am talking the angry laying on the horn honk, like they are signaling me that I am about to murder a human honk.

Am I a perfect driver? Of course not. But, I have been driving for 18 years and I have never been in a real collision. I think that says something. The only times my car has met another car:

A cab driver hit me, he was in the wrong and there was no damage. I have NEVER in my life had someone look at me with such hate. BUT - I think he was angry I was a woman driving a car and that I was wearing western clothing. I kid you not...never have I had someone look at me like that.

Then there was that incident with the Special Olympic bowling team - BUT - I still say - not my fault. That bitch driving around the team let the person she hit go...whatever - long story. Point is - never have I been in an car damaging collision.

THE TIMES WHEN I LOST MY MIND ON THE UNNECESSARY HONKER:

CASE #1:
I was in the lane to make a left turn onto Western Avenue from Peterson. Two busy thoroughfares of Chicago. The light went yellow.

I have this crazy thing where...I value life. My life in particular. I don't trust other people. SURE! It's YELLOW...so go make your turn. FUCK NO. Until I am sure the cars coming towards me, in the lane I will travel across, are slowing down...I don't turn. I don't need them to be at a stop. I just want to make sure they have noted the light shall soon be red. See above, I have never ended up in a light post. I don't plan on it. SO...I make sure. I have spaced out and ran a red light. It doesn't make you a bad person! They are accidents. I just believe we are all responsible and it doesn't come down to just obeying lights. You need to have the sense that some people don't. I'm not willing to die or injure myself or anyone in my car to say "they should have stopped" NO.

Well...asshole in the BMW apparently doesn't think like me. He thought I should dart across the road the moment it turned yellow. When he was in the midst of his angry honk...and the light was still yellow.

OH HOHOHOHOHOH.... REALLY? He...fucked with the wrong Jetta.

I did my freak out and said "OHHH - you just got your reason to honk asshole"
The dude made the turn with me...into the close lane. I watched his ass...moved into the farther lane. So did I. I wanted to fuck with him. So when the traffic on Western was going he was stuck behind me. Behind me as I went 15 MPH. Dude is going bananas. I am laughing my ass off and screaming "Oh! YOU HONKED MOTHER FUCKER, I'M GIVING YOU A REASON FOR THAT HONK!" Traffic is just cruising along while he is again honking and I am driving 10 -15 MPH and he is trapped behind me.

Traffic clears and he gets in front of me and does what I was doing. WHAT? I am laughing...laughing. Throwing my head back in fits of laughter. IS this dude serious? I was the one going 10 MPH before, why would I care?


THEN HE STOPPED.

He stopped for all of one second but...thoughts in your brain race...

CRAP...I had visions of this madman getting out of his car, pulling me through the window and beating me senseless. I knew the razor I use to get old city stickers off was in my glove compartment. God bless city stickers, I thought, the only reason I have a weapon of sorts in my car.

But - he drove off and that was that.

I wonder if he still honks like that. But - more...I wonder if he really thinks giving someone a taste of 'their own slow driving medicine' actually works....negative.

Case #2:

Newly laid off and in a not so fantastic mood, we had street cleaning. My car was parked on the side to be cleaned. So at around 7:15 AM I was up and went out to move my car. I was driving in circles around the one way hell that is my hood. I turned onto Sunnyside, the street I reside, from an alley. I got to the stop sign, noted no one was behind me. I know, I know, it is annoying when some one is creeping around in their car looking for spots. No one was behind me. About 2 seconds later...I am up the block and some bitch is laying on her horn. Laying on her horn in a residential neighborhood at 7:20 AM.


In general..I fancy myself the police in this hood. Noise late at night or too early...I call the police. I am outside and someone blows the stop sign in front of the park where children play? I scream at them they missed a stop sign. If I am out front and they don't make a stop that I believe is complete enough...I meander out into the road...pausing...slowly walking. I make them stop - I make them pay for that faux stop. I am 75, if not 90 years old at heart. I am a crazy, cranky old lady. I am proud.

So, I was not happy that this bitch came barreling down the road AND was blowing her horn at an early hour.

I had to let go of my passion for quiet mornings to teach her a lesson.

I knew what she doing. She was using Sunnyside, my street - as an alternative to Montrose. NO. That is not what this street is. It is residential street with a park on it where children play. I will not have maniacs driving down it.

SO....I get the honk.

If it was a kind beep things would have been different. BUT it was an angry honk, she put some pressure and laid on it. Even then, had I NOT noted 2 seconds before that no one was there, I would have let it go. BUT - she was clearly in some kind of hurry as she was not on the street 2 seconds before.

AND....my beast is released.

I do my freak out that she honked then go. SHE HONKS AGAIN.

OH - IT IS ON. IT IS ON.

I stop.

She is laying on the horn. She stops. I go. She lays on it...I IMMEDIATELY STOP.

There was absolutely NO classical conditioning with this woman. I was actually at one point yelling that she was dumber than Pavlov's dog.

More importantly...I was SOOOO amused. I was JUST laid off.

I am looking at her in the rear view, windows open, screaming to her "LADY, I GOT NO JOB, VICTIM OF THE ECONOMY! I GOT NO WHERE TO BE, LAY ON THAT HORN, I'LL SIT HERE ALL FUCKING DAY...I GOT NO WHERE TO BE...I'LL PUT IT IN PARK, WANT TO SEE ME PUT THIS IN PARK??"

Victim of the economy - this bitch was messing with a distraught, depressed, confused, overwhelmed victim of the economy.

I held my ground. It was probably the most entertainment I had in 2 weeks. She got off the horn...I drove. She got on the horn...I stopped. It took about 10 minutes to get 1/16 of a mile. Again - I don't get what she didn't get. A dog, a fucking dog would have figured it out by then.

So glad she has a job....her being a genius and all....

I am fairly certain it was after that fiasco...I climbed the 3 flights of stairs, sat down and thought - that may have been slightly irrational. I needed to get my shit together. There would be no help. There would be no cheering squad. There would be no one helping me or telling me what to do. There wasn't a husband to give me health insurance. There was no roommate to split bills with. It was just me. I'd like to say I wasn't proud of that maniac in the car. But that would be a lie. I do like her. She doesn't take as much crap as pre-laid off Mere did, she speaks up more.