The Unfriendlies

I do not care for unfriendly people.

You know them. Maybe you are one.

I do not like them.

There were two unfriendly men that lived in my apartment building.

One recently moved out. He lived below me. He probably hated me for this reason because everyone hates the people that live above them. However, I do my best to be a kind fellow apartment dweller. I do not walk around in shoes and when I would drop my TV remote on the wood floor, I felt bad. If I ran across the apartment, I felt bad.

But then one day a friend said to me: you live in the penthouse, man...you pay extra. Who cares?

Because - I do. I know it is annoying.

There is one jackass that still lives here. The first time I saw him, I said hello and he looked past me and did not acknowledge me. Fine. He did not hear me or he had a bad day.

The second time...same thing. Fine. Strike TWO.

The third time he developed a new skill where he simply looked to the wall as he passed me on the stairwell. This is retarded behavior.

Fast forward endless meetings to today, he was coming down the stairs with his lady friend and they were having some kind of joyous conversation so when I saw them I smiled and said "H -----" and as the H sound of Hi exited my mouth he immediately turned his head to the wall. His lady friend who has been friendly in the past did the same. So I stopped, slithered over to the banister so the royalty could pass and cocked my head to one side and squished my face in an unpleasant manner and shook it a bit, as to say 'you are a jerk...and so are you lady friend"

He is a tall man, extremely thin, without much pigment and a tiny head. Therefore - I could beat him up and I am far better looking than him.

When people of greater stregth and looks take the time out of their day to say hello to the lessers:

1. One should respond as though another member of society has spoke and in the society I am familiar with: this is NOT overlooking them or turning your head 90 degrees to avoid eye contact.

2. These are the situations in which those challenged in brawn and beauty have basically been touched by God. When one of better looks and social graces has bestowed upon you their attention, show some common decency or rather, respect.

Really...it comes down to this: I am obsessed with being well liked. When people don't like me - I freak the fuck out. First I take it all in. Blame it on myself, my actions, I dig through history trying to figure out what I did wrong. When I come up with the fact I did not kill your dog or mother - well then you lose. You are the dicksandwich.

I just want to say:

I love the word: Pistol

Pistol.

Not gun, not firearm. not glock (I don't know how to spell that because I am not a gantsta and they don't know how to spell...so really: is there a proper spelling?)

Imagine...you are threatened in some manner and you raise one eye brow and look your attacker in the eye and say:

"I'll have you know....I am carrying a pistol"

This dignified approach will set the assaulter on their heels, especially if done in an English accent.

Let me tell you, not from experience but the experience in my fantasy world, this is an efficient way to ward off a mugger.

If you just yelled "I HAVE A GUN" you will get the beat down or your face blown off.

BUT..."I'll have you know .... I am carrying a pistol" is pure gold. The attacker will for that split second be trying to figure out what a pistol is, as he is familiar with gun, heat, glock, uzzie, assault rifle, etc...really I have no idea what hood talk is for gun.

This gives you just enough time to pull out your pistol or deliver a nice hard elbow to the face or fingers in the eyes.

"Don't make me get out my bayonet" would also work in this situation.