Crazy people love me. Mind my business and they find me. There is little I can do about this. I don't seek these people out. They come to me.
I was sitting on a bench waiting for a train, doing a crossword when a 50 year old black man sat down and began a conversation. A conversation that was uncomfortable and I did not ask for. It was really a one sided conversation because I wasn't sure how to react to it.
After making some kind of opening pleasantry about the day or the weather or something of that nature, he said "You know, my neighborhood on the southeast side is just disgusting. Black people are filthy disgusting animals that do nothing but kill each other like dogs. You can't walk down the street, kids can't go to school, all the mothers are crack addicts"
AND....here we gooooooooooooooo.
How exactly is a white person to respond to this? I certainly wasn't going to argue, it is terrible that people live in these conditions. But, since I am white, it is not my place to say anything. I just smile and nod.
"you know what those black people say? They say 'look at the Mexicans and Puerto Ricans', you know what I say? They are hard working people. They might be in gangs but they are not filthy drug addicts like all the damn black people"
WHY ME??????? WHERE IS MY TRAIN???
He went on...and on "and white people? I never seen in my life a bad white neighborhood. Black people act like white people are a problem. I say to them, white people are not afraid of their own neighborhoods. But, you know, white people are crazy too, don't get me wrong. They are crazy in their own way. They have Republicans trying to make some Tea Party. White people got nothing better to do than make a Tea Party? Go have a tea party. Why are they making a Tea Party? Stupid white people"
That...humored me. But still I wished my train would arrive.
On he went "you know, the only thing that makes someone filthy and disgusting is laziness. Black people are lazy. Lazy is what makes you filthy."
Then a train on the opposite platform arrived and a group of black people got off....
He pointed them out: "you see that, that is another thing about black people, they gotta travel in packs. Packs of lazy drug addicts. Just roaming the streets. I guarantee you they are all on the food stamps and the section 8 housing. Oh yeah, they all got their LINK cards, guarantee you that. Lazy killing dogs."
WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE??? This black man is shit talking his race like a member of the Klan. I don't understand what I am supposed to do. Doesn't he know only white people are allowed to shit talk their own kind in front of other races??? It is the golden rule of race relations. Only whites can hate on their race in the presence of other races.
This made me think about all the times I have had encounters with people like this. Why is it me? Always me? I have strange encounters with people. It could be anything: a conversation like this, a verbal assault on my whiteness, just something I was present for. I started to tally up the races involved.
Whites:
-Bizarre situation when Bank One Ballpark was being built and this crazy man that I presume was homeless.
-The free spirited man in Mexico (presumably hiding from U.S. law) that was clearly not right and then lit up a joint on the Sea of Cortez while Mexican Police boats were all around.
-The homeless woman that would spit on me and put some kind of curse on me in Latvian.
Blacks:
-This
-The man at the DMV that asked me if me or any of my friends were interested in having sex with a black man.
-The cracked out woman that was stalking me at Safeway and calling me a white bitch.
-The kid that threw a fruit flavored chew at me and called me a white bitch
-The man screaming "suck my dick" at the drive thru liquor store
Native Americans:
-The man at the Walgreens that was roaming up and down the line of white people screaming and getting in our faces about how the red man is diabetic because of the white man. I'm not sure why in the 30 minutes this was going on the police were not called. I was convinced I would be scalped if I made eye contact as did everyone else.
Hispanic:
-The girl that got in my face while I was walking into a Mexican grocery store and said: what do you think you are doing here you white bitch.
I can conclude four things from this:
1. I am a white bitch
2. Whites and blacks are insane
3. Asians don't tend to mess with giant white girls
4. Crazy people LOVE me
I thought about all this and my train was still not there. My new friend was going on and on and on. The conversation turned to me. He asked if I ever played a sport. I said I did. He asked what sport and I said rugby.
He went on to say "ohhh...you can tell. You are all thick"
This is what I love to hear.
Then he said "you must have several men fighting over you"
This is where he didn't understand white men. No white man wants a 'thick' girl. I told him he was wrong. He went on to tell me that he has never been married nor did he ever father a child, this was what he had in common.
That is where the conversation turned from typical oddness to complete insanity as it always does when you are dealing with a maniac. This is the point I love in these conversations. Just when you thought it couldn't get more absurd....it does.
He said "you know, you gotta get the sex sometimes. In my neighborhood I will buy the ladies a ten dollar rock. I have them come over to my place, but I'll never learn they are just crack addicts because they steal my toilet paper and hot sauce. I buy them rock and they steal my toilet paper and hot sauce, ain't worth it!"
Dear. God. What. The. Hell.
He goes on "you know, all black people have hot sauce. Black people love sauce, but only certain brands, the kind from Louisiana"
At this point my train was approaching. He said "This must be your train, the brown line. There is no way you'd be on the Harlem green"
I got up and told him it was nice meeting him. I am polite. There you have it. Another chapter in my book of insane people that love talking to me.
Ya get whacha don't pay for
Meredyth fun fact #287: I love coupons.
There is a big difference between someone that thinks they are a good shopper and someone that is in fact so wicked awesome at it, the store pays them to walk out the door with their retail goods.
On some occasions, I am the later.
I am pretty good at getting toothpaste for free or a couple dimes, same with shampoo. Typically your Dove, Pantene and Herbal Essence can be purchased for well under fifty cents per bottle if you play your cards or rather your coupons right. And yes...this drug store shampoo is good enough for me.
There is a certain instance that I call The Trifecta of Savings:
#1 Product on sale at Target
#2 Manufacturer coupon
#3 Target coupon
BAM: That crap is nearly free. I love it. I live for this. Nothing brings me more joy.
Most recently I was in the possession of:
#1 $5 off coupon for a product known as "Scrubbing Bubbles Extend-a-Spray with Continuous Sprayer-r-r-r" No really...that triple r attack on the end of the word sprayer is actually on the bottle. Obviously the work of a genius marketing executive, nothing makes you want to purchase a product more than a bunch of r's.
#2 Target coupon for a free $5 gift card if I purchased this particular product.
SCORE! Target paid me over one dollar to march right on out of their establishment with it! I knew NOTHING about this product but since they were paying me, why not take it and clean my bathroom with it.
So I used it today and I have concluded the following:
First, this whole business where it allegedly continues to clean for four days is absolute bullocks. If you believe that, you are out of your skull. Let's be honest, we all know they only thing that is going to continue to clean anything without your effort is an underpaid immigrant with out of date papers that doesn't speak English.
But more importantly, this 'continuous sprayer-r-r-r' is what disturbed me.
a. It uses 2 AA batteries. You are not allowed to employee battery power unless the product is actually going to do the scrubbing. And no...I do not believe as the commercials insist, the bubbles in Scrubbing Bubbles products have tiny little brushes that do the scrubbing. Absurd.
b. What does happen by battery power is this: You hold the trigger down and it continues to spray as though you were pumping the trigger. Yes, ladies and gentleman - gone are the tireless days where you are forced clench, release, clench, release to dispense your product. IT IS CALLED AN AEROSOL CAN! And an aerosol can does have the added expense of batteries. (please no environment comments here for obvious reasons)
c. What in God's name caused someone to invent this? Was there a need? NO. NO there certainly was not. I refuse to believe there was. Nope. Negative. Since we do in fact have aerosol cleaners, what Johnson Company did was reinvent the wheel, a more expensive, more complicated wheel with more parts.
According to their website this product will make cleaning more simple and more manageable. WHAT ARE THEY TAKING ABOUT?
THE GOD DAMN EASIEST PART OF CLEANING IS SQUEEZING THE TRIGGER on the non-aerosol cleaning product of your choice. The hard part is finding the motivation to clean, getting on your knees to clean, reaching to clean, the removal of all items in your bathroom and the putting back to clean, the scrubbing involved. These are the hard parts. NOT SQUEEZING THE TRIGGER.
No one sits around and thinks: 'I would totally clean this bathroom if only I did not have to be bothered with the burden of a squeezing the trigger on my bathroom cleaner. If only, if only there was a product that made that part of cleaning simpler. I am exhausted just thinking about the calories I will burn doing all that clenching and releasing of my right hand."
Congratulations Johnson Company. You have simplified the effortless portion of the cleaning process. I can only hope there is some type of award for this type of brilliance in innovation.
It is clear to me why I was paid take this off the shelves of Target.
I pity the fool that pays any amount for this.
There is a big difference between someone that thinks they are a good shopper and someone that is in fact so wicked awesome at it, the store pays them to walk out the door with their retail goods. On some occasions, I am the later.
I am pretty good at getting toothpaste for free or a couple dimes, same with shampoo. Typically your Dove, Pantene and Herbal Essence can be purchased for well under fifty cents per bottle if you play your cards or rather your coupons right. And yes...this drug store shampoo is good enough for me.
There is a certain instance that I call The Trifecta of Savings:
#1 Product on sale at Target
#2 Manufacturer coupon
#3 Target coupon
BAM: That crap is nearly free. I love it. I live for this. Nothing brings me more joy.
Most recently I was in the possession of:
#1 $5 off coupon for a product known as "Scrubbing Bubbles Extend-a-Spray with Continuous Sprayer-r-r-r" No really...that triple r attack on the end of the word sprayer is actually on the bottle. Obviously the work of a genius marketing executive, nothing makes you want to purchase a product more than a bunch of r's.
#2 Target coupon for a free $5 gift card if I purchased this particular product.
SCORE! Target paid me over one dollar to march right on out of their establishment with it! I knew NOTHING about this product but since they were paying me, why not take it and clean my bathroom with it.
So I used it today and I have concluded the following:
First, this whole business where it allegedly continues to clean for four days is absolute bullocks. If you believe that, you are out of your skull. Let's be honest, we all know they only thing that is going to continue to clean anything without your effort is an underpaid immigrant with out of date papers that doesn't speak English.
But more importantly, this 'continuous sprayer-r-r-r' is what disturbed me.
a. It uses 2 AA batteries. You are not allowed to employee battery power unless the product is actually going to do the scrubbing. And no...I do not believe as the commercials insist, the bubbles in Scrubbing Bubbles products have tiny little brushes that do the scrubbing. Absurd.
b. What does happen by battery power is this: You hold the trigger down and it continues to spray as though you were pumping the trigger. Yes, ladies and gentleman - gone are the tireless days where you are forced clench, release, clench, release to dispense your product. IT IS CALLED AN AEROSOL CAN! And an aerosol can does have the added expense of batteries. (please no environment comments here for obvious reasons)
c. What in God's name caused someone to invent this? Was there a need? NO. NO there certainly was not. I refuse to believe there was. Nope. Negative. Since we do in fact have aerosol cleaners, what Johnson Company did was reinvent the wheel, a more expensive, more complicated wheel with more parts.
According to their website this product will make cleaning more simple and more manageable. WHAT ARE THEY TAKING ABOUT?
THE GOD DAMN EASIEST PART OF CLEANING IS SQUEEZING THE TRIGGER on the non-aerosol cleaning product of your choice. The hard part is finding the motivation to clean, getting on your knees to clean, reaching to clean, the removal of all items in your bathroom and the putting back to clean, the scrubbing involved. These are the hard parts. NOT SQUEEZING THE TRIGGER.No one sits around and thinks: 'I would totally clean this bathroom if only I did not have to be bothered with the burden of a squeezing the trigger on my bathroom cleaner. If only, if only there was a product that made that part of cleaning simpler. I am exhausted just thinking about the calories I will burn doing all that clenching and releasing of my right hand."
Congratulations Johnson Company. You have simplified the effortless portion of the cleaning process. I can only hope there is some type of award for this type of brilliance in innovation.
It is clear to me why I was paid take this off the shelves of Target.
I pity the fool that pays any amount for this.
The Toilet: Really...it is all very simple
There are moments in life that I appreciate.
For instance: When I am reminded that I am smarter than the average bear.
But this moment is bittersweet...when we are speaking of the simple mechanics of an invention from the 18th century. While I enjoy the fact that my brain functions....I am sad that I live in a society of complete morons. And I become perplexed on how they have survived to adulthood.
I was at a bar recently waiting to use a toilet. A girl came out and said "I do not know how to flush that. I am so sorry"
"no problem" I said.
I assumed the chain fell off. If you know anything about a toilet you know what I am talking about.
Then I saw the top of the toilet was removed. Whatever. I do my business and then I see that there is no flush handle.
So you see - the whole reason the lid was removed was because the proprietor of this establishment assumed any person of American drinking age would be able to reason through the simple workings of the toilet tank.
This person was wrong.
For some reason this individual that most likely has a license to operate an automobile, is permitted to vote and is able to reproduce and raise offspring - could not figure out that you simply had to lift the metal rod on the inside to activate the flush.
Duh.
I went out to speak with my friend about this situation and I learned that she was in there and she was the first person in multiple uses to actually flush it.
You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
I could see if the girl was being a pussy and the chain was off and for some reason she did not want to stick her hand in the tank to attach it. But, there was no contact with the water to flush (the clean water - mind you. The same shit you drink. The water system is not that complicated. It is all the same shit. Use your brain. If it was toxic or a tank of acid that would burn your skin off - CLEARLY, it would not be sitting there exposed. Even if the lid was on - they would be forced to mark it as a danger, if it was. Come. On. Think.). And even if you were stupid enough to think it was dirty...aren't you going to wash your hands anyway????
Have people really never met a toilet?
Have people really never solved toilet problems?
Have grown adults REALLY never lifted the lid of the tank and fixed an issue?
Even if you have had no experience with this, you must be mildly disabled if you can't figure it out. Unless of course this is your first time in modern society since leaving your primitive tribe or your release from your existence as a feral human.
"Oh...the flush handle is missing. Well...I can't flush it"
That is the thought process of someone that should be removed from society. If you have been wiping your own ass for 10 years or more, you should have the reasoning in your skull to figure out a toilet tank.
This is a person with very minimal reasoning's thought process:
"Oh...the flush handle is gone. Oh look...there is metal rod attached to the inside of the tank where the flush handle would be on the outside. And - if you push the handle to flush - I GUESS that moves the metal rod. Ok....ok....and that is attached to that chain. And that is attached to what looks like some kind of plug at the bottom of this tank full of water. Hmmmm...I wonder why there is this tank of water??? What is this water for? I have no clue where this water goes....BUT....since there is no aquatic life (typically) living in this tank and it is not big enough for me to swim in....hmmmm....maybe this water is some how utilized in the flush process. And MAYBE...that plug releases the water!!!! OK OK I got it. I got it!!! I need that plug to release and the plug is attached to the chain that is attached to the rod, so if I lift up the rod, I bet that would cause the chain to move. Then if the chain moves, it would pull up the plug and maybe something will happen - like the toilet will flush!!! I wouldn't put money on it. But maybe that is what happens. So the movement of the rod ends up picking up the plug. OH MY GOD....this is just like when you walk - you need to lift up your foot from the ground and you do that by picking up your leg AND NOT YOUR ARM!!!!
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS KIND AND GOOD IN THIS WORLD... Really....really...there are actual members of society that can't figure out how a toilet works?
AND...I am not even going to go into how if you press the metal rod down, that would also work. Apparently figuring out the fact that movement of the rod in one direction also works in the other would be a complex physics problem only understood by people that work at NASA.
We are not hurdling satellites into orbit, we are not splitting an atom. We are flushing a toilet. For cryin' out loud, a pinball machine is more complicated.
This is a normal person's thought process:
"oh...there is no flush handle. I'll lift this metal rod so it flushes"
This is insane. It is insane.
Do people think the flush handle is magic? A working of magic? Do people think the flush handle is like pulling a rabbit out of a hat? It has no reasonable explanation via simple movements visible to the human eye? Houdini did not invent the toilet contrary to the belief of what apparently is at least 25 percent of modern society.
You know what magic is? Magic is an iPod. Magic is this computer. Magic is talking on a phone to someone across an ocean in real time. That is magic. Indeed, that is magic. Magic...because I will never understand nor do I care to understand it.
A toilet tank? If you don't get that, if you can't figure that out - I am not sure about you. Please - do not leave your home and reside as a shut-in. You are a danger to society.
For instance: When I am reminded that I am smarter than the average bear.
But this moment is bittersweet...when we are speaking of the simple mechanics of an invention from the 18th century. While I enjoy the fact that my brain functions....I am sad that I live in a society of complete morons. And I become perplexed on how they have survived to adulthood.
I was at a bar recently waiting to use a toilet. A girl came out and said "I do not know how to flush that. I am so sorry"
"no problem" I said.
I assumed the chain fell off. If you know anything about a toilet you know what I am talking about. Then I saw the top of the toilet was removed. Whatever. I do my business and then I see that there is no flush handle.
So you see - the whole reason the lid was removed was because the proprietor of this establishment assumed any person of American drinking age would be able to reason through the simple workings of the toilet tank.
This person was wrong.
For some reason this individual that most likely has a license to operate an automobile, is permitted to vote and is able to reproduce and raise offspring - could not figure out that you simply had to lift the metal rod on the inside to activate the flush.
Duh.
I went out to speak with my friend about this situation and I learned that she was in there and she was the first person in multiple uses to actually flush it.
You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
I could see if the girl was being a pussy and the chain was off and for some reason she did not want to stick her hand in the tank to attach it. But, there was no contact with the water to flush (the clean water - mind you. The same shit you drink. The water system is not that complicated. It is all the same shit. Use your brain. If it was toxic or a tank of acid that would burn your skin off - CLEARLY, it would not be sitting there exposed. Even if the lid was on - they would be forced to mark it as a danger, if it was. Come. On. Think.). And even if you were stupid enough to think it was dirty...aren't you going to wash your hands anyway????
Have people really never met a toilet?Have people really never solved toilet problems?
Have grown adults REALLY never lifted the lid of the tank and fixed an issue?
Even if you have had no experience with this, you must be mildly disabled if you can't figure it out. Unless of course this is your first time in modern society since leaving your primitive tribe or your release from your existence as a feral human.
"Oh...the flush handle is missing. Well...I can't flush it"
That is the thought process of someone that should be removed from society. If you have been wiping your own ass for 10 years or more, you should have the reasoning in your skull to figure out a toilet tank.
This is a person with very minimal reasoning's thought process:
"Oh...the flush handle is gone. Oh look...there is metal rod attached to the inside of the tank where the flush handle would be on the outside. And - if you push the handle to flush - I GUESS that moves the metal rod. Ok....ok....and that is attached to that chain. And that is attached to what looks like some kind of plug at the bottom of this tank full of water. Hmmmm...I wonder why there is this tank of water??? What is this water for? I have no clue where this water goes....BUT....since there is no aquatic life (typically) living in this tank and it is not big enough for me to swim in....hmmmm....maybe this water is some how utilized in the flush process. And MAYBE...that plug releases the water!!!! OK OK I got it. I got it!!! I need that plug to release and the plug is attached to the chain that is attached to the rod, so if I lift up the rod, I bet that would cause the chain to move. Then if the chain moves, it would pull up the plug and maybe something will happen - like the toilet will flush!!! I wouldn't put money on it. But maybe that is what happens. So the movement of the rod ends up picking up the plug. OH MY GOD....this is just like when you walk - you need to lift up your foot from the ground and you do that by picking up your leg AND NOT YOUR ARM!!!!FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS KIND AND GOOD IN THIS WORLD... Really....really...there are actual members of society that can't figure out how a toilet works?
AND...I am not even going to go into how if you press the metal rod down, that would also work. Apparently figuring out the fact that movement of the rod in one direction also works in the other would be a complex physics problem only understood by people that work at NASA.
We are not hurdling satellites into orbit, we are not splitting an atom. We are flushing a toilet. For cryin' out loud, a pinball machine is more complicated.
This is a normal person's thought process:
"oh...there is no flush handle. I'll lift this metal rod so it flushes"
This is insane. It is insane.
Do people think the flush handle is magic? A working of magic? Do people think the flush handle is like pulling a rabbit out of a hat? It has no reasonable explanation via simple movements visible to the human eye? Houdini did not invent the toilet contrary to the belief of what apparently is at least 25 percent of modern society. You know what magic is? Magic is an iPod. Magic is this computer. Magic is talking on a phone to someone across an ocean in real time. That is magic. Indeed, that is magic. Magic...because I will never understand nor do I care to understand it.
A toilet tank? If you don't get that, if you can't figure that out - I am not sure about you. Please - do not leave your home and reside as a shut-in. You are a danger to society.
Gone....
I took the serious blog post off. This is a funny blog. Not serious.
If you would like manuscript of that blog post please send a self addressed stamped envelope to me.
If you would like manuscript of that blog post please send a self addressed stamped envelope to me.
The Unfriendlies
I do not care for unfriendly people.
You know them. Maybe you are one.
I do not like them.
There were two unfriendly men that lived in my apartment building.
One recently moved out. He lived below me. He probably hated me for this reason because everyone hates the people that live above them. However, I do my best to be a kind fellow apartment dweller. I do not walk around in shoes and when I would drop my TV remote on the wood floor, I felt bad. If I ran across the apartment, I felt bad.
But then one day a friend said to me: you live in the penthouse, man...you pay extra. Who cares?
Because - I do. I know it is annoying.
There is one jackass that still lives here. The first time I saw him, I said hello and he looked past me and did not acknowledge me. Fine. He did not hear me or he had a bad day.
The second time...same thing. Fine. Strike TWO.
The third time he developed a new skill where he simply looked to the wall as he passed me on the stairwell. This is retarded behavior.
Fast forward endless meetings to today, he was coming down the stairs with his lady friend and they were having some kind of joyous conversation so when I saw them I smiled and said "H -----" and as the H sound of Hi exited my mouth he immediately turned his head to the wall. His lady friend who has been friendly in the past did the same. So I stopped, slithered over to the banister so the royalty could pass and cocked my head to one side and squished my face in an unpleasant manner and shook it a bit, as to say 'you are a jerk...and so are you lady friend"
He is a tall man, extremely thin, without much pigment and a tiny head. Therefore - I could beat him up and I am far better looking than him.
When people of greater stregth and looks take the time out of their day to say hello to the lessers:
1. One should respond as though another member of society has spoke and in the society I am familiar with: this is NOT overlooking them or turning your head 90 degrees to avoid eye contact.
2. These are the situations in which those challenged in brawn and beauty have basically been touched by God. When one of better looks and social graces has bestowed upon you their attention, show some common decency or rather, respect.
Really...it comes down to this: I am obsessed with being well liked. When people don't like me - I freak the fuck out. First I take it all in. Blame it on myself, my actions, I dig through history trying to figure out what I did wrong. When I come up with the fact I did not kill your dog or mother - well then you lose. You are the dicksandwich.
You know them. Maybe you are one.
I do not like them.
There were two unfriendly men that lived in my apartment building.
One recently moved out. He lived below me. He probably hated me for this reason because everyone hates the people that live above them. However, I do my best to be a kind fellow apartment dweller. I do not walk around in shoes and when I would drop my TV remote on the wood floor, I felt bad. If I ran across the apartment, I felt bad.But then one day a friend said to me: you live in the penthouse, man...you pay extra. Who cares?
Because - I do. I know it is annoying.
There is one jackass that still lives here. The first time I saw him, I said hello and he looked past me and did not acknowledge me. Fine. He did not hear me or he had a bad day.
The second time...same thing. Fine. Strike TWO.
The third time he developed a new skill where he simply looked to the wall as he passed me on the stairwell. This is retarded behavior.
Fast forward endless meetings to today, he was coming down the stairs with his lady friend and they were having some kind of joyous conversation so when I saw them I smiled and said "H -----" and as the H sound of Hi exited my mouth he immediately turned his head to the wall. His lady friend who has been friendly in the past did the same. So I stopped, slithered over to the banister so the royalty could pass and cocked my head to one side and squished my face in an unpleasant manner and shook it a bit, as to say 'you are a jerk...and so are you lady friend" He is a tall man, extremely thin, without much pigment and a tiny head. Therefore - I could beat him up and I am far better looking than him.
When people of greater stregth and looks take the time out of their day to say hello to the lessers:
1. One should respond as though another member of society has spoke and in the society I am familiar with: this is NOT overlooking them or turning your head 90 degrees to avoid eye contact.
2. These are the situations in which those challenged in brawn and beauty have basically been touched by God. When one of better looks and social graces has bestowed upon you their attention, show some common decency or rather, respect.Really...it comes down to this: I am obsessed with being well liked. When people don't like me - I freak the fuck out. First I take it all in. Blame it on myself, my actions, I dig through history trying to figure out what I did wrong. When I come up with the fact I did not kill your dog or mother - well then you lose. You are the dicksandwich.
I just want to say:
I love the word: Pistol
Pistol.
Not gun, not firearm. not glock (I don't know how to spell that because I am not a gantsta and they don't know how to spell...so really: is there a proper spelling?)
Imagine...you are threatened in some manner and you raise one eye brow and look your attacker in the eye and say:
"I'll have you know....I am carrying a pistol"
This dignified approach will set the assaulter on their heels, especially if done in an English accent.
Let me tell you, not from experience but the experience in my fantasy world, this is an efficient way to ward off a mugger.
If you just yelled "I HAVE A GUN" you will get the beat down or your face blown off.
BUT..."I'll have you know .... I am carrying a pistol" is pure gold. The attacker will for that split second be trying to figure out what a pistol is, as he is familiar with gun, heat, glock, uzzie, assault rifle, etc...really I have no idea what hood talk is for gun.
This gives you just enough time to pull out your pistol or deliver a nice hard elbow to the face or fingers in the eyes.
"Don't make me get out my bayonet" would also work in this situation.
Pistol.
Not gun, not firearm. not glock (I don't know how to spell that because I am not a gantsta and they don't know how to spell...so really: is there a proper spelling?)
Imagine...you are threatened in some manner and you raise one eye brow and look your attacker in the eye and say:"I'll have you know....I am carrying a pistol"
This dignified approach will set the assaulter on their heels, especially if done in an English accent.
Let me tell you, not from experience but the experience in my fantasy world, this is an efficient way to ward off a mugger.
If you just yelled "I HAVE A GUN" you will get the beat down or your face blown off.
BUT..."I'll have you know .... I am carrying a pistol" is pure gold. The attacker will for that split second be trying to figure out what a pistol is, as he is familiar with gun, heat, glock, uzzie, assault rifle, etc...really I have no idea what hood talk is for gun. This gives you just enough time to pull out your pistol or deliver a nice hard elbow to the face or fingers in the eyes.
"Don't make me get out my bayonet" would also work in this situation.
General Airport Crap
I have come to the conclusion that I am NOT funny unless I am bitching about people and their absurd behavior.
So really this is just a public service announcement. Yes - I do retarded crap too....but hey: I am just sayin'.
And really - as irate as I sound in this...no no. This is actually how I keep myself calm. I amuse myself with my thoughts and scramble myself to scribble notes if I am lucky. A lot of my thoughts are lost as I don't put pen to paper it and that is sad. As when we lost music when John Lennon was shot...we loose humor on a daily basis because I am not diligent. My procrastination and ADD are my assassin. So sad for humanity.
CRAP....I crack myself up.
Back to my mission:
You may ask yourself: Where do people exhibit the most ridiculous behavior ever? The answer: The Airport. Having 8 airport experiences in 11 days: I will now give my report.
Annoying Airport Behavior:
The Wonders of a Metal Detector:
I have a crazy idea: If you know you are going to be passing through a metal detector - refrain from wearing every piece of jewelry you and your family own. Leave it in the family vault or a safety deposit box down at the local bank. There is no need to traipse through the airport in 19 necklaces, a giant watch and 45 bracelets. You are dressed like some sort of high end Tin Man. If only you had a brain, the security line would not be backed up.
And if you choose to do that can we PLEASE not play that old time favorite family game: what piece of metal is causing the alarm to go off?
I hate that game. I hate it. But there are people that insist on playing it.
You have plenty of time to start disrobing your metals before you go through. Just take it all off. Take off the jewelry. Get the belt off. Remove the roll of quarters from your pocket. Have you never traveled? Take off the coat. Take the lap top out of the case, remove the stupid bag of liquids, for cryin'out loud: take off your shoes. We are not all standing here shoeless for fun. There is not a trampoline on the other side of the security that we are ready to pounce in. Fool, take note of your surroundings. What else have you been doing for the past 20 minutes?
And as useless as you may think that all is. JUST DO IT. The Head of Homeland Security is not running the X-Ray machine at Terminal One, Security Check Point 3, Line 2 at O'Hare International Airport...odd as that seems to you - he is not. So stop acting like your civil liberties have been compromised and just do it so we can all move on to the next chapter of our lives. What is the use in making a deal of it?
Write a letter expressing your dissatisfaction. I have wrote essays to corporations on lesser crap.
You know who you are. You know the routine. You have seen it.
You go through: beep beep beep. You empty your pockets.
You go again: beep beep beep. Off go the watch and 98 bracelets.
You go again: beep beep beep. Now the belt comes off
Unless you are a card carrying member of the I-Have-Metal-Beneath-My-Skin-Club...this should not happen. No one should ever go through the MD more than 2 times.
For fuck's sake. Take off all metal or metal like substance before you enter the detector.
Use the fucking word: Metal Detector. It is not a clever name. It simply detects fucking metal. So remove it from you and be done with it.
Really...why aren't we thinning the population with this? Apparently the population of the U.S. would be a mere million if we did.
Say it with me: METAL DETECTOR - figure it out.
Dress Code:
There should be a dress code for air travel. Because, quite frankly, I do not enjoy setting my eyes upon fools.
I don't care if your flight is 45 minutes or 16 hours. I do not care if you are 2 or 99. You are NOT allowed to bored aircraft in pajamas unless you own the airplane. If your clothing is THAT uncomfortable, let me be the first to tell you that you have put on some weight and need to buy new clothes. Have you no self respect? I would not go to the corner store in pajamas let alone be seen in a hub of international travel.
I also can not stand people that wear shorts of an inappropriate length. The seats are close. No one wants the bare leg of a stranger touching them. Ick. However - that is not the real problem with me. It is the simple fact that it is typically cold on an airplane. Dress for your situation, my friends. In the fabulous ORD, I saw a young girl in shorts that could have easily been her underwear carrying around an enormous wool blanket. I have a crazy idea you little trollop: PUT ON SOME GOD DAMN PANTS. Who on earth would rather lug around blanket than wear some pants? Hey man - I don't like being hot either but unless the plane is going to Mercury (which it is not), class it up and put on some pants.
The Lingerer:
Ah yes. You see the gate agent rummaging around so that is your invitation to stand and linger by the entry even though you are boarding group 4. What are you doing? What? Tell me. You have a seat assigned to you. What is the deal? Is it your precious bag? You worried there will be no room for the bag? Check it. Check it. Check it. I am sorry to say that you are not THAT important that you can not check it and wait for it. And hey - I know it costs dollars to do it but they will allow you to check it for no cost if there is no room and you have an appropriately sized bag. So settle it down and approach the boarding area only when your group has been called. It is very elementary.
The Self Important DickSlap:
This goes out to the man on the SLC - ORD trip.
Dear Sir:
You actually have not one...but two violations. First you lingered. Oh, and linger you did. THANK THE LORD, United Airlines has that absurd double row for boarding. One for First Class, Preimier Execs, etc and one for the commoners. Without that treat your preformance would have been so passe.
So when we were a good 15 minutes out from even boarding you place your sorry self in the important First Class area, so we could all see you. But you did not stop there. No no. You proceeded to stand there with your hands free devise plugged into your phone (your obnoxious flashing bluetooth must have broken) and your lap top open and balancing in one hand.
OH MY GOD. THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN ON EARTH IS ON THIS FLIGHT. I sure hope this one doesn't go down because if it does the world will surely end.
This is the thing: Regardless of the show you insisted on putting on, we all know you are not important. We know you are a self righteous prick. No one was fooled. Now from above we can see that the airport is indeed filled with simpletons. However - it would take a special idiot to assume you were, in fact, important. We the people, are not duped by your act.
These are the facts: Important people DO NOT travel via commercial airliner, you freak! Important people have their own planes. Important people are given planes with decoy planes and there are missiles involved. You must be out of your skull if you think flashing various forms of technology and sitting in First makes you important. And if you are as important and irreplaceable for 3 hours like you believe you are...perhaps you should not be leaving the earth.
And hey - if you are of such importance, you also should not be unprotected, as you were, in a mass of people. Hey - I've gotten through security with a bottle of perfume NOT in a quart sized bag. Who is to say I don't have a pistol?
So really this is just a public service announcement. Yes - I do retarded crap too....but hey: I am just sayin'.
And really - as irate as I sound in this...no no. This is actually how I keep myself calm. I amuse myself with my thoughts and scramble myself to scribble notes if I am lucky. A lot of my thoughts are lost as I don't put pen to paper it and that is sad. As when we lost music when John Lennon was shot...we loose humor on a daily basis because I am not diligent. My procrastination and ADD are my assassin. So sad for humanity.
CRAP....I crack myself up.
Back to my mission:
You may ask yourself: Where do people exhibit the most ridiculous behavior ever? The answer: The Airport. Having 8 airport experiences in 11 days: I will now give my report.
Annoying Airport Behavior:
The Wonders of a Metal Detector:
I have a crazy idea: If you know you are going to be passing through a metal detector - refrain from wearing every piece of jewelry you and your family own. Leave it in the family vault or a safety deposit box down at the local bank. There is no need to traipse through the airport in 19 necklaces, a giant watch and 45 bracelets. You are dressed like some sort of high end Tin Man. If only you had a brain, the security line would not be backed up. And if you choose to do that can we PLEASE not play that old time favorite family game: what piece of metal is causing the alarm to go off?
I hate that game. I hate it. But there are people that insist on playing it.
You have plenty of time to start disrobing your metals before you go through. Just take it all off. Take off the jewelry. Get the belt off. Remove the roll of quarters from your pocket. Have you never traveled? Take off the coat. Take the lap top out of the case, remove the stupid bag of liquids, for cryin'out loud: take off your shoes. We are not all standing here shoeless for fun. There is not a trampoline on the other side of the security that we are ready to pounce in. Fool, take note of your surroundings. What else have you been doing for the past 20 minutes? And as useless as you may think that all is. JUST DO IT. The Head of Homeland Security is not running the X-Ray machine at Terminal One, Security Check Point 3, Line 2 at O'Hare International Airport...odd as that seems to you - he is not. So stop acting like your civil liberties have been compromised and just do it so we can all move on to the next chapter of our lives. What is the use in making a deal of it?
Write a letter expressing your dissatisfaction. I have wrote essays to corporations on lesser crap.
You know who you are. You know the routine. You have seen it.
You go through: beep beep beep. You empty your pockets.
You go again: beep beep beep. Off go the watch and 98 bracelets.
You go again: beep beep beep. Now the belt comes off
Unless you are a card carrying member of the I-Have-Metal-Beneath-My-Skin-Club...this should not happen. No one should ever go through the MD more than 2 times.
For fuck's sake. Take off all metal or metal like substance before you enter the detector.
Use the fucking word: Metal Detector. It is not a clever name. It simply detects fucking metal. So remove it from you and be done with it.
Really...why aren't we thinning the population with this? Apparently the population of the U.S. would be a mere million if we did.
Say it with me: METAL DETECTOR - figure it out.
Dress Code:
There should be a dress code for air travel. Because, quite frankly, I do not enjoy setting my eyes upon fools.
I don't care if your flight is 45 minutes or 16 hours. I do not care if you are 2 or 99. You are NOT allowed to bored aircraft in pajamas unless you own the airplane. If your clothing is THAT uncomfortable, let me be the first to tell you that you have put on some weight and need to buy new clothes. Have you no self respect? I would not go to the corner store in pajamas let alone be seen in a hub of international travel.
I also can not stand people that wear shorts of an inappropriate length. The seats are close. No one wants the bare leg of a stranger touching them. Ick. However - that is not the real problem with me. It is the simple fact that it is typically cold on an airplane. Dress for your situation, my friends. In the fabulous ORD, I saw a young girl in shorts that could have easily been her underwear carrying around an enormous wool blanket. I have a crazy idea you little trollop: PUT ON SOME GOD DAMN PANTS. Who on earth would rather lug around blanket than wear some pants? Hey man - I don't like being hot either but unless the plane is going to Mercury (which it is not), class it up and put on some pants. The Lingerer:
Ah yes. You see the gate agent rummaging around so that is your invitation to stand and linger by the entry even though you are boarding group 4. What are you doing? What? Tell me. You have a seat assigned to you. What is the deal? Is it your precious bag? You worried there will be no room for the bag? Check it. Check it. Check it. I am sorry to say that you are not THAT important that you can not check it and wait for it. And hey - I know it costs dollars to do it but they will allow you to check it for no cost if there is no room and you have an appropriately sized bag. So settle it down and approach the boarding area only when your group has been called. It is very elementary.The Self Important DickSlap:
This goes out to the man on the SLC - ORD trip.
Dear Sir:
You actually have not one...but two violations. First you lingered. Oh, and linger you did. THANK THE LORD, United Airlines has that absurd double row for boarding. One for First Class, Preimier Execs, etc and one for the commoners. Without that treat your preformance would have been so passe. So when we were a good 15 minutes out from even boarding you place your sorry self in the important First Class area, so we could all see you. But you did not stop there. No no. You proceeded to stand there with your hands free devise plugged into your phone (your obnoxious flashing bluetooth must have broken) and your lap top open and balancing in one hand.
OH MY GOD. THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN ON EARTH IS ON THIS FLIGHT. I sure hope this one doesn't go down because if it does the world will surely end.
This is the thing: Regardless of the show you insisted on putting on, we all know you are not important. We know you are a self righteous prick. No one was fooled. Now from above we can see that the airport is indeed filled with simpletons. However - it would take a special idiot to assume you were, in fact, important. We the people, are not duped by your act.
These are the facts: Important people DO NOT travel via commercial airliner, you freak! Important people have their own planes. Important people are given planes with decoy planes and there are missiles involved. You must be out of your skull if you think flashing various forms of technology and sitting in First makes you important. And if you are as important and irreplaceable for 3 hours like you believe you are...perhaps you should not be leaving the earth.And hey - if you are of such importance, you also should not be unprotected, as you were, in a mass of people. Hey - I've gotten through security with a bottle of perfume NOT in a quart sized bag. Who is to say I don't have a pistol?
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