General Airport Crap

I have come to the conclusion that I am NOT funny unless I am bitching about people and their absurd behavior.

So really this is just a public service announcement. Yes - I do retarded crap too....but hey: I am just sayin'.

And really - as irate as I sound in this...no no. This is actually how I keep myself calm. I amuse myself with my thoughts and scramble myself to scribble notes if I am lucky. A lot of my thoughts are lost as I don't put pen to paper it and that is sad. As when we lost music when John Lennon was shot...we loose humor on a daily basis because I am not diligent. My procrastination and ADD are my assassin. So sad for humanity.

CRAP....I crack myself up.

Back to my mission:

You may ask yourself: Where do people exhibit the most ridiculous behavior ever? The answer: The Airport. Having 8 airport experiences in 11 days: I will now give my report.

Annoying Airport Behavior:

The Wonders of a Metal Detector:
I have a crazy idea: If you know you are going to be passing through a metal detector - refrain from wearing every piece of jewelry you and your family own. Leave it in the family vault or a safety deposit box down at the local bank. There is no need to traipse through the airport in 19 necklaces, a giant watch and 45 bracelets. You are dressed like some sort of high end Tin Man. If only you had a brain, the security line would not be backed up.

And if you choose to do that can we PLEASE not play that old time favorite family game: what piece of metal is causing the alarm to go off?

I hate that game. I hate it. But there are people that insist on playing it.

You have plenty of time to start disrobing your metals before you go through. Just take it all off. Take off the jewelry. Get the belt off. Remove the roll of quarters from your pocket. Have you never traveled? Take off the coat. Take the lap top out of the case, remove the stupid bag of liquids, for cryin'out loud: take off your shoes. We are not all standing here shoeless for fun. There is not a trampoline on the other side of the security that we are ready to pounce in. Fool, take note of your surroundings. What else have you been doing for the past 20 minutes?

And as useless as you may think that all is. JUST DO IT. The Head of Homeland Security is not running the X-Ray machine at Terminal One, Security Check Point 3, Line 2 at O'Hare International Airport...odd as that seems to you - he is not. So stop acting like your civil liberties have been compromised and just do it so we can all move on to the next chapter of our lives. What is the use in making a deal of it?

Write a letter expressing your dissatisfaction. I have wrote essays to corporations on lesser crap.

You know who you are. You know the routine. You have seen it.

You go through: beep beep beep. You empty your pockets.
You go again: beep beep beep. Off go the watch and 98 bracelets.
You go again: beep beep beep. Now the belt comes off

Unless you are a card carrying member of the I-Have-Metal-Beneath-My-Skin-Club...this should not happen. No one should ever go through the MD more than 2 times.

For fuck's sake. Take off all metal or metal like substance before you enter the detector.

Use the fucking word: Metal Detector. It is not a clever name. It simply detects fucking metal. So remove it from you and be done with it.

Really...why aren't we thinning the population with this? Apparently the population of the U.S. would be a mere million if we did.

Say it with me: METAL DETECTOR - figure it out.

Dress Code:
There should be a dress code for air travel. Because, quite frankly, I do not enjoy setting my eyes upon fools.

I don't care if your flight is 45 minutes or 16 hours. I do not care if you are 2 or 99. You are NOT allowed to bored aircraft in pajamas unless you own the airplane. If your clothing is THAT uncomfortable, let me be the first to tell you that you have put on some weight and need to buy new clothes. Have you no self respect? I would not go to the corner store in pajamas let alone be seen in a hub of international travel.

I also can not stand people that wear shorts of an inappropriate length. The seats are close. No one wants the bare leg of a stranger touching them. Ick. However - that is not the real problem with me. It is the simple fact that it is typically cold on an airplane. Dress for your situation, my friends. In the fabulous ORD, I saw a young girl in shorts that could have easily been her underwear carrying around an enormous wool blanket. I have a crazy idea you little trollop: PUT ON SOME GOD DAMN PANTS. Who on earth would rather lug around blanket than wear some pants? Hey man - I don't like being hot either but unless the plane is going to Mercury (which it is not), class it up and put on some pants.

The Lingerer:
Ah yes. You see the gate agent rummaging around so that is your invitation to stand and linger by the entry even though you are boarding group 4. What are you doing? What? Tell me. You have a seat assigned to you. What is the deal? Is it your precious bag? You worried there will be no room for the bag? Check it. Check it. Check it. I am sorry to say that you are not THAT important that you can not check it and wait for it. And hey - I know it costs dollars to do it but they will allow you to check it for no cost if there is no room and you have an appropriately sized bag. So settle it down and approach the boarding area only when your group has been called. It is very elementary.

The Self Important DickSlap:
This goes out to the man on the SLC - ORD trip.

Dear Sir:
You actually have not one...but two violations. First you lingered. Oh, and linger you did. THANK THE LORD, United Airlines has that absurd double row for boarding. One for First Class, Preimier Execs, etc and one for the commoners. Without that treat your preformance would have been so passe.

So when we were a good 15 minutes out from even boarding you place your sorry self in the important First Class area, so we could all see you. But you did not stop there. No no. You proceeded to stand there with your hands free devise plugged into your phone (your obnoxious flashing bluetooth must have broken) and your lap top open and balancing in one hand.

OH MY GOD. THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN ON EARTH IS ON THIS FLIGHT. I sure hope this one doesn't go down because if it does the world will surely end.

This is the thing: Regardless of the show you insisted on putting on, we all know you are not important. We know you are a self righteous prick. No one was fooled. Now from above we can see that the airport is indeed filled with simpletons. However - it would take a special idiot to assume you were, in fact, important. We the people, are not duped by your act.

These are the facts: Important people DO NOT travel via commercial airliner, you freak! Important people have their own planes. Important people are given planes with decoy planes and there are missiles involved. You must be out of your skull if you think flashing various forms of technology and sitting in First makes you important. And if you are as important and irreplaceable for 3 hours like you believe you are...perhaps you should not be leaving the earth.

And hey - if you are of such importance, you also should not be unprotected, as you were, in a mass of people. Hey - I've gotten through security with a bottle of perfume NOT in a quart sized bag. Who is to say I don't have a pistol?