Earthquake...

The funny part about this earthquake business...is that if someone told me they felt it - I would have said they were a big fat ol' liar that wanted a piece of the action. I would say they are a desperate human looking for attention. A freak.

Turns out - I felt the earthquake.

I don't think such a thing would normally have woke me up. But, it was the first night in my new apartment and I had become accustom to waking up in the 4AM hour due to the demands of tax season.

In addition, I would not normally even say I felt the earthquake because I would not want people to think I was lying. This is what I think so...this is what everyone thinks.

The only reason I talk about it - is because I find the whole thing funny.

When I woke up I thought it was some kind of boiler or other building racket. GREAT. I moved into some kind of piece of crap building. Is this going to occur nightly? This is insane. How can people live here? I was pissed.

I could not believe my luck. I picked a shotty building. I imagined going to the trouble of anchoring my fine IKEA cabinet to the wall and got more pissed...I couldn't be bothered with that nonsense! I got more angry thinking about how I will have to take care in where I place all my valuable breakable antiques.

I kid, I have no antiques.

Then...I said to myself: I think this is an earthquake.

I considered standing in a doorway - but I was too lazy. I figured I would be buried in a small amount of ruble, being on the top floor - so whatever.

When I got up in the morning I immediately reported to my TV and found out it was indeed an earthquake.

Now...I find it highly annoying when people say: How did you know it was an earthquake. They ask and look at me like I am also LYING about knowing it was an earthquake. Get over it, ok. My brain is better than yours. I just know things. I am smarter than the average bear. My reasoning skills are superior to most. I should be working for NASA, okay. Get over it.

I don't know how to explain what it is that made me believe it was an earthquake. I think it is the constant shaking of it. I mean really...what else could it be? It doesn't have the characteristics of something mechanical. If something like a boiler is about to explode I feel like it will grumble and spurt. If it was a bomb - well...there would be some kind of boom, a great initial shake and then trail off. This is what I assume - having reasoning skills.

What else??? Plus - apparently I have a skill for remembering things I learned pre - 1987. It seemed few knew there was a quiet fault line in Illinois. I guess I have a passion for plate tectonics.

These are the same people with these questions: Back in AZ, I was telling a riveting tale of how I tripped over a speed bump one night when I running. I had this bloody knee, gobs of blood flowing out of my knee -- and I met a coyote on the road.

My story interrupted- EVERY TIME:

"How did you know it was a coyote?"

WHAT? How wouldn't I? I can identify most animals as I am over the age of 3. It certainly was not an elephant, or parakeet, or great white shark, or dinosaur.

It was a coyote.

I mean really - come on! Then of course comes the "How did you know it wasn't a dog?"

What? If you can't tell the difference between a coyote and a St. Bernard or any other domesticated canine you have problems. Please do not leave your home - it is not safe for you.

You are going to be like that girl in the movie Adventures in Babysitting that is petting the rat because she thinks it is a cat.