After bringing my laundry down...
I couldn't bring myself to go back up the stairs.
So instead I went outside and around the building to the front door.
Then I realized...it is clear I have a gun of some sort stuck in the back of my pants.
Then I saw some police so I started to do some kind of side-step-grapevine move with my back to the building.
No...that is not suspicious behavior at all...
Well...
Turns out there is a good reason guns should be illegal.
When you don't use them for 3 years you forget how to use them and you are fiddling with them, you are peering down the barrel, you are shooting around your house to see if it is loaded and how to shoot it.
If I only I could have taped what I have been doing for the last 15 minutes I could have made a video called "What Not To Do With a Gun of Any Sort"
UGH! I have no clue how to load the damn BBs....
BLASTED BB GUN!
Update: went on-line and is loaded and ready. I had to cock it to open the BB depository...and I have no clue how to uncock it...unless i shoot. It remains cocked.
ahhhh- ha here I am with my discreetly placed BB
When you don't use them for 3 years you forget how to use them and you are fiddling with them, you are peering down the barrel, you are shooting around your house to see if it is loaded and how to shoot it.
If I only I could have taped what I have been doing for the last 15 minutes I could have made a video called "What Not To Do With a Gun of Any Sort"
UGH! I have no clue how to load the damn BBs....
BLASTED BB GUN!
Update: went on-line and is loaded and ready. I had to cock it to open the BB depository...and I have no clue how to uncock it...unless i shoot. It remains cocked.
ahhhh- ha here I am with my discreetly placed BB
Lock and Load
Well...it was bound to happen.
Saw a mouse in my faux patio stairwell.
I am saying it was mouse when I know it is a rat...it makes me feel better.
I did my crazy sally scream. A shrill up and down scream. We were at a stand off mid-way up the second stair case. I was screaming he moved toward me. I did my shrill scream again and he ran for cover.
Reload the BB. I will be carrying that with me when I do laundry and I will now just be exiting out the front door.
I have taken to making my music match my most recent blog again.
Only the first line of Cotton...and let me tell you, happiness is indeed a warm gun...or in my case - a cold spring loaded BB. I actually forgot how much I love that song.
Rain Man
Last night...at 2AM my friend and I were walking back to my apartment and there was a fully nude man - jerking off - in the alley - in the pouring rain.
This is not something one sees everyday.
I yelled to him "What are you doin'?????"
I am not sure he answered me - but he did stop his manic self pleasure..
This is not something one sees everyday.
I yelled to him "What are you doin'?????"
I am not sure he answered me - but he did stop his manic self pleasure..
Bike Ride to CBG
I went on a bike ride, a long one. I headed north and saw this. So I thought I would send a shout out to my Mormon friends:
On the ride there was lots of this:
And this:
And endless amounts of these:
Then...there was this...odd:
The fabulous North Branch of the Chicago River...which reminds me of Deliverance and then I freak out:
The Skokie Lagoons...hmmm....I'm not impressed.
Finally...my destination: The Chicago Botanical Gardens...mind you not located in Chicago. Pretty place:
There were free roaming swans...These animals should be caged. They are aggressive beasts.
I wasn't at the gardens long because I fear darkness would fall upon the land before I made it home and we all know that these turn into savage flesh eating demons at dusk...
On the ride there was lots of this:
And this:
And endless amounts of these:
Then...there was this...odd:
The fabulous North Branch of the Chicago River...which reminds me of Deliverance and then I freak out:
The Skokie Lagoons...hmmm....I'm not impressed.
Finally...my destination: The Chicago Botanical Gardens...mind you not located in Chicago. Pretty place:
There were free roaming swans...These animals should be caged. They are aggressive beasts.
I wasn't at the gardens long because I fear darkness would fall upon the land before I made it home and we all know that these turn into savage flesh eating demons at dusk...
Perhaps the End of the Squirrel Era
Yesterday evening I went to leave my apartment - via squirrel area.
I heard his cackling scream...similar to the laugh of the devil himself from the depths of hell.
I closed the door, hung my defeated head and left out the front door.
Damn it. IT IS running my life.
This morning I left out the back door and I noticed something suspicious at some one's back door...a cardboard box with towels draped on it.
I have seen movies.
When people rescue injured birds or other woodland creatures - there is always a cardboard box and towels to make it comfortable.
I am led to believe someone has set up a nice bed for this beast. That is not right. People are crazy.
Oh well - let's invite in the rats. Why stop there? Let's get some opossums and pigeons. Let's make this the Ritz for disease carrying animals.
Now, this could just be me jumping to conclusions. I noted the box was gone when I returned home. I have not seen the squirrel again, but I continue to live in fear.
This evening I finally got my BB from my car. I looked like a common criminal: Opened up my trunk. Looked over both shoulders. Opened my secret compartment. Again, looked over both shoulders...took out my BB - looked at it - and shoved it in my bag along with my carton of 6,000 Copperhead BBs (there is probably 5,758 left).
I feel like I am living on the edge. Like, I am bad ass. Me and my BB. I think it is the fact that the BB is illegal. I am an outlaw. I have an illegal item in my home now and I enjoy it. I am thinking of getting a antique display case for it as though it is a relic from the civil war....my plastic BB gun. Come on - it would be so funny.
I am not even going to go into how absurd it is that BB guns are illegal in this city. I have a right to protect myself against a possibly rabid terrorizing furry tailed tree rat. For all I know - it is working with the Al Qaeda.
I am hoping they have that program this summer where you turn in your gun for $100 Best Buy gift card. I ain't no fool. Then - I am having someone from the burbs get me a proper CO2 BB. YEAH!!!! Then I'll be HARD CORE. Then I will be a squirrel killing machine!
I was going to post a picture of me and my BB. Perhaps with some kind of American flag and the Confederate Flag...perhaps set in a library. Maybe I could have the Bible in one hand, gun in the other. Then I realized - for one thing I don't have access to any of these props and.....people just don't have a sense of humor. But really - it would be funny.
*this post is in jest I house no illegal arms
I heard his cackling scream...similar to the laugh of the devil himself from the depths of hell.
I closed the door, hung my defeated head and left out the front door.
Damn it. IT IS running my life.
This morning I left out the back door and I noticed something suspicious at some one's back door...a cardboard box with towels draped on it.
I have seen movies.
When people rescue injured birds or other woodland creatures - there is always a cardboard box and towels to make it comfortable.
I am led to believe someone has set up a nice bed for this beast. That is not right. People are crazy.
Oh well - let's invite in the rats. Why stop there? Let's get some opossums and pigeons. Let's make this the Ritz for disease carrying animals.
Now, this could just be me jumping to conclusions. I noted the box was gone when I returned home. I have not seen the squirrel again, but I continue to live in fear.
This evening I finally got my BB from my car. I looked like a common criminal: Opened up my trunk. Looked over both shoulders. Opened my secret compartment. Again, looked over both shoulders...took out my BB - looked at it - and shoved it in my bag along with my carton of 6,000 Copperhead BBs (there is probably 5,758 left).
I feel like I am living on the edge. Like, I am bad ass. Me and my BB. I think it is the fact that the BB is illegal. I am an outlaw. I have an illegal item in my home now and I enjoy it. I am thinking of getting a antique display case for it as though it is a relic from the civil war....my plastic BB gun. Come on - it would be so funny.
I am not even going to go into how absurd it is that BB guns are illegal in this city. I have a right to protect myself against a possibly rabid terrorizing furry tailed tree rat. For all I know - it is working with the Al Qaeda.
I am hoping they have that program this summer where you turn in your gun for $100 Best Buy gift card. I ain't no fool. Then - I am having someone from the burbs get me a proper CO2 BB. YEAH!!!! Then I'll be HARD CORE. Then I will be a squirrel killing machine!
I was going to post a picture of me and my BB. Perhaps with some kind of American flag and the Confederate Flag...perhaps set in a library. Maybe I could have the Bible in one hand, gun in the other. Then I realized - for one thing I don't have access to any of these props and.....people just don't have a sense of humor. But really - it would be funny.
*this post is in jest I house no illegal arms
CURSES!!!!
I successfully enter and left via my back door twice and no squirrel.
Then I left again. I live on the 3rd floor - which is really the 4th.
I go down 2 flights...and I am met with Mr. Squirrel. He started doing that noise...the angry squirrel clicking noise.
In fear for my life, I marched back up the stairs and then left via the front door.
Great. This F-ing squirrel is running my life.
I will not take this.
The problem I see is the elusive behavior. So I can't call my lord of the land...what is he going to do? Sit with some nuts and lure the alleged squirrel out? The guy will think I am crazy after hours of no squirrel.
Solution:
I have a B B gun. It is in the secret drug smuggling compartment of my car. If you have a VW and do not know about this...don't feel bad. I had the car for at least 3 years before I found it. Right now there is a BB gun and a stuffed Paddington Bear...dont' ask.
Anyway...The BB is coming out. It isn't even CO2. It is spring loaded. If I actually hit the squirrel - it will be like a pinch. So don't worry you nutty animal lovers.
I am going to be armed and dangerous with this BB.
Although I KNOW THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.
My BB looks like an actual hand gun.
Can you imagine? I am in the faux porch area of my apartment building waving around what appears to be a hand gun???
Someone will call the police.
I will be arrested.
It will make a good blog entry if nothing else.
I am willing to risk it...
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